[toesquasher]

I'm so..............frustrated, I guess............I am a survivor who is still jobless and living at home. I tried to move out and go to college away from home but chickened out last-minute. Been living with DID for as long as I can remember, though only diagnosed about three years ago. I've had a hard time recovering due to living with a parent who doesn't believe I have anything to "survive." I am in therapy despite this parent's disapproval. Now, please don't get me wrong............she loves me for sure..............she just doesn't believe my story. Throughout my life I've felt compelled to look up odd, random things that made no sense to me and even disgusted me until memories started resurfacing. After my memory recovery, I could make sense of why I'd been looking at and reading certain things, though I was/am still disgusted by it all. I find some level of comfort in reading stories of other people who've gone through similar things. I try and look for books that recount lives affected by trauma and DID. Then, I feel, I am not alone. However, due to some negative coping mechanisms my privacy has been taken from me. Therefore, my computer is in the main living space of the house. Everything I read, look at and listen to online is ready to be known by said parent. Just now I was watching a youtube documentary when she walked by and casually commented, "is that healthy to watch?" So annoying! I was just curious.............why does she care what I read/watch? But I guess even I was feeling guilty for watching the video because that's all it took for me to turn it off. so this brings me to my question.......why? Why am I drawn towards things that could potentially trigger me? Why do I watch/read things that bother me because they resemble my story? And, why am I still so concerned with what my parent thinks of me that I allow her to dictate how I spend my free time?

[shezbut]

(((toesquasher)))

I'm not certain that it matters whether or not you can identify with those that you feel compelled by. It doesn't necessarily mean that you were or weren't abused. What matters is how you feel right now. If you feel blank when looking back onto an extended period time of life that you feel should be strong in your memory banks, discussing it with a professional seems to be an ideal move IMO. After all, who is to say what did or didn't occur sometime in your life, other than you??... Exactly...

Regarding your Q of why you are still so concerned about what your parent thinks about you, allowing her to dictate how you spend your free time, I think that would be another interesting Q to ask your T. Perhaps they have a professional hypothesis on what this may mean. It's hard to say ~ as we are only guessing in here.

I can assure you that a parent that cares in some dimension will bug you about some things. How much they bug you about things kind of goes with personality and perfectionism. For instance, I am a perfectionist. Not a healthy trait ~ but it's there, nevertheless. I try very hard not to show this very strong trait to my 2 daughters...but I am sure that it pops out from time to time. I love them both, with a passion, but I'm sure that I still get my desire for perfect things across to them in one way or another. Not saying that's what I hope for ~ I don't! I just know that it's a very strong trait...