[likewater]

My uncle is my dad's brother. My dad.died when I was nine and my mom who tried to kill me and my brother and sister various times got custody and my life became hell until I was 14 or 15 and my sister got custody of me. My uncle knew my mom had untreated
Schizophrenia (and the man is/was a psychologist for Pete's sake) but he never thought to call and have child protective services look in on us? Then right after I graduated college, I took care of both my grandparents. What did he do, he filled out the medicare/ medicaid
forms for my grandpa and helped Grandma buy car.that was helpful, but it was one or two days out og his life. I took care of Grandma and Grandpa for about 8 years. After Grandma died, he basically took everything that he could possibly take with him that was worth money or not nailed down. He only offered me the things he didn't want. His wife even took Grandma's bottle of nexium. Then things got really nasty. My grandparents half the house to me and half to him. I.was so.exhausted, I had.been
waking up every three hours to turn Grandma and give.her pain meds. My whole life had
become taking care of my Grandparents. When I was at work, I was thinking about them, on the way home I would stop at the Alzheimer's unit where Grandpa was and help him eat his.dinner. when I slept I was listening for.Grandma so she wouldn't climb over yhe bedrail and fall. Then I had to quit my job. My uncle rarely called during those years to check.on his mom or dad.but after.Grandma died, boy did he want his half of.the house. Seriously, this man can work for a collection agency he would be great at it. I admit, I had a breakdown, I was in no shape to make a decision about buying or selling the house and I was married to one.of the most controlling men in the universe that made it almost
impossible for me to get a mortgage for my half of the house. Oh and guess what??? After
I got him his money he never wrote or called or emailed unless I initiated it
As far as being a good uncle, I give him a D+. It would have been an F- but he have me a stuffed koala one Christmas that I named Sidney and a book called, the Cat Ate my Gymnsuit. Oh and he produced my most awesome cousins. They are just beautiful people and his.wife is a.neat person also.and tonight when I accidentally called. Jom like at 2am his time( I was hoping it wouldn't wake him up so disconnected while ringing ), he called me back to see if I was ok. His voice sounded so good.
Sigh




Ser

[Frankbtl]

Hi, hard one to answer. So you're seriously going to have to come back at me if I may be a little off track here.
It does sound like you've got some conflicting feelings going on there from "I was hoping it wouldn't wake him up so disconnected while ringing ), he called me back to see if I was ok. His voice sounded so good. "
But you sound like SUCH a caring person maybe it's hard for you to think of someone as THAT bad, maybe you're looking for some "justifiable" reasoning for what happened or to find some comfort/security in anything someone does to show that "no, actually they do care"?????
But that doesn't at all make his past behavior "right", as you know!!
I mean there might have been some underlying reasons for some of his actions e.g. he didn't think your mother was as "unbalanced" as she was (sometimes hard to think of someone who has been close to you in that way), he found losing his brother really hard and it was painful for him to have a connection, he saw you take such good care of your grandparents and felt he wasn't needed as much or couldn't cope with seeing them that way/hearing how they were, going through a grieving process/not thinking "rationally/wrapped up in his own problems.........
But he still did what he did and that's got to hurt, nevermind the things you went through and the help he could have given you.
If you're still feeling torn I'd say you'd be absolutely justified (and it may help???) in asking him some questions about what happened in the past and some of his actions, maybe even start with talking about some of the things/any of the things you went through. Try not to make it sound to him like you're accusing him of anything though as the barriers may go up and you might not get quite as much as you want/need to.
Then again if you want him more out of your life to avoid the confusion/feelings (or because of his actions) I really can't see many people blaming you for that.
BUT about YOU (!!) : It sounds like you've had a really hard time. Have you got any/do you think you need any/more help with what you went through when you were younger. It does take a very strong person to just move away from something like that, and there would be plenty of people who may need some professional help or just support with that.....or even if you'd just like to talk a bit more about it with us.......??
And got to ask, since your "breakdown" do you feel you've had the support you've needed??
And your grandparents, I'd say that you did an amazing job helping them/supporting them. You should feel SO proud of yourself for having done that. And don't let your uncles behavior take anything away from what you did or your relationship with them. That is totally insignificant compared to everything that happened between you and your grandparents. And if you can as well, make sure you take comfort in the memories of closeness between you and any happy/comforting memories you have of being with them. Although I know it must have been really hard and so emotional at times it was SO special.

But I'd say you don't need your uncle in your life (you're SO much better a person than he has been), then if you want some sort of "closure" (by talking to him about things) or you actually want to kick off a bit more communication about things to try to bring him further into your life then..............just whatever feels "right" to you. Perhaps just put a bit more thinking into what feels comfortable/right for you.
Best wishes
Here if you want to talk...........
Alison

[likewater]

Thanks, Alison.

I really am torn. My uncle is also special to me bc I see my Grandpa and. My Dad' s mannerisms. In
him and he resembles them. He also sees the world differently, talking. To him reminds me of my
dad. I wrote my uncle a letter explaining how I felt and he emailed me that he loved me and would
respond later. That was like 10 years ago. I didn't talk to him until last year when I lost my brother. I called him, told him my brother was killed, and I wanted him (my uncle) to know I loved him. He sent
me flowers. I think you are right that no one could comprehend a mother being so sadistic to her own
kids . Also, my uncle didn't want to deal with the care of his parents. I believe, he would have put them in a home and forgot about it. Somehow, I believe I'm supposed to find a way to reconcile with him. I love him. He is family. He hasn't done anything unforgivable. Also, many many many people
Looked the other way, failed to report, didn't want to see how cruel our mom was. It's unfair to put
that all on my uncle's shoulders. I don't believe he supported me at all emotionally when I was caring for his parents or after they died. I do believe him to be a selfish man that has never, "had my back."
Nonetheless, I love him and miss him. (It doesn't help that I have DID so not all of is.agree on this subject) anyhoo, thanks again for responding, and just the act of writing this on PC helps.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, I'd say if you really want him to be a part of your life it may be possible for it to work if you really want it enough (even thinking on it sentimentally as a link to your grandpa/dad or as family). But that is probably going to need you to adjust your expectations/wishes of how that relationship is/is going to be either short or longer term.
You're saying you don't think he has done anything unforgivable but he has hurt you and you would have liked him to have done things differently.
So allow yourself to feel that way. You can still put in some foundations for ongoing contact with him while not invalidating your feelings. Maybe just see it as "testing the waters". He may not live up to all you'd want but then again if you go into it "with your eyes open" he may still be able to offer you something that's going to mean something to you regardless. Just make sure you're prepared in case that happens though.
And ten years ago with the e-mail/not getting back to you was a long time, for all we know he may be more "responsive" now if you wanted to mention a few things from the past. Maybe even at the time he just didn't have words to express........felt guilty that had happened to you............didn't know how to handle it...........felt helpless............wanted to comfort you but didn't know how...........?????????
Just remember though that there's no "supposed to find a way to reconcile" it's all about whether you really want that. If you don't or you think it might be too uncomfortable/hurtful (even if you love hm!) then that's absolutely fine/understandable!!. Then, if you do want that, then there's nothing wrong with starting slowly e.g. phone calls........and allowing him the chance to show you whether you want him to stay part of your life or not. One step at a time, and remember to put yourself and your feelings first.
Alison