Nothing.

I really just needed to vent for a minute.
I hope this is the right place.

Anyway. I've just been so frustrated lately. I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at myself. And I'm not mad, I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I'm seething.
I was old enough to know better. I was old enough to know that what he was doing was wrong. And I purposely chose not to tell anyone. It's my fault.
He was my uncle and it's because of me not telling anyone that I ruined my cousin's life by not protecting her. I should have told someone and I didn't.

I try to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, that I really was innocent and I didn't do anything wrong. But it's wrong to not tell someone when you're being sexually abused, and it's REALLY wrong when someone you know is being sexually abused and you don't say anything. That makes you just as bad as the person who is abusing them, doesn't it? I had a responsibility to tell someone and I purposely chose not to tell anyone.

And then I didn't stop him. I could have fought back and I didn't. I could have kicked or screamed but I didn't. UGH. FDJSL:FDJLSA:. UGH. Oh my god. Seriously. It's just, I'm so pissed off at myself. I was so stupid and I didn't do anything about it. And years later, I'm still keeping quiet about it. And my cousin blamed me for what happened. She must be right. It was my fault. She wouldn't have been forced to live with him if I had only spoken up.

And I'm so pissed off with myself for letting him control me so much. He controls every part of me. My mind, my thoughts. I wasted so many months in a psychotic haze thinking he was after me, thinking he was going to come back and attack me or something. All of those months I could have been doing something for myself, and I wasted them thinking about him. He controls my sleep. Every nightmare I have, I see him there. It's like, it's my fault that he's controlling me. It happened so long ago, he shouldn't be in my thoughts like this. He shouldn't be there all the time. He's gone. I won't see him again. But it still feels like he's there.

I had to have done something to deserve what happened. There's no way that it just happened because it could. It's like... Ugh. God, why did you let this happen? Did I do something wrong? Was I not good enough to be spared from this? I had to have done something wrong. Otherwise this would have never happened. And I don't know what I did, but it must have been bad enough to deserve what happened. Bad things don't happen to good people.

And now here I am. Complaining about what happened. It's not even as bad as what some others have been through, but now I'm complaining. Like a baby. Ugh, I'm just so mad at myself. All of this stuff is coming up, the nightmares, the flashbacks. And I know it's my fault. No one can convince me it wasn't. There must've been something, somewhere, that I did wrong to deserve what happened, but I know I did deserve it. I'm not even mad at him. I'm just mad at myself.

No, no, no, no, no.

It was NOT your fault. You were a child, and regardless of whether you knew it was wrong, you were being coerced and overpowered by an adult. And that adult is the one responsible for his actions. Be angry at him for being so selfish that he harmed two (or more) innocent children. Be furious at him. Wish him dead and hate him. But don't blame a child who had very little control over the situation, and what control they did have they did not know how to use. No one wants to be abused. If you had known the way out, you would have taken it.

I really wish I had something positive to tell you I could tell u it's not your fault like my t tells me, but I'm feeling the very same way you are in fact , I wrote something similar to what you wrote and I'm planning on giving it to her in two weeks.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I understand what you are saying....i was 6 years old and i have felt it was my fault or maybe i wanted to do those things, or maybe i somehow liked it....but that has to be wrong... children don't want those things done to them. You did nothing wrong, you were a child and didn't have any way to know how to handle it. Don't beat yourself up....you were not wrong!

I appreciate what you all are trying to do,
But I should be honest with you... I don't think I'm at the point where I can accept that it wasn't my fault.

And I hope you don't mind if I do some more ranting. I figured since I made this thread as a vent I may as well just keep venting in it.

It's late and I am triying my best to sleep but I'm still seeing him every time I close my eyes and I keep having memories flooding back. As time goes on the longer I go without sleep the more upset with myself I get. I don't want to end up like I did a few months ago. I'm getting so sick of taking one step forward and eight steps back.

Think about it this way; if a child told you he/she was being sexually abused would you tell them it was their fault? Of course not. YOU were that little girl. Try to have love and sympathy for yourself. Someone CHOSE to abuse you. No child would ever consent to that.

You keep on venting all you want and need to ... You'll get there!



ps. I like the statment under your avatar ... "Kori Anders Is Out Fighting Crime!".

Get 'em Kori ... !!!

That's okay. It takes time. I am not quite there, either, although I can clearly see how other abuse wasn't other people's faults. With healing comes forgiveness of yourself.

I haven't thought of it that way. It makes sense, but Instill have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me that a part of it is my fault. I would never tell a child, or anyone else for that matter, but for me, it feels different. I appreciate what you're saying, and I'm sorry to not follow your recommendation. I'm just not in that place where I can forgive myself for what happened. I'm too mad about it.
Thank you, Pfrog

I'm probably going to vent a lot in this thread, so I'm glad you all don't mind.

Thank you for your kind words, HazelGirl

No matter what, it was not your fault. It was never, ever, ever your fault.

Don't blame yourself, it is never your fault.
I had an incident 3 years ago, where a guy I loved used me and supposedly sexually assualted me. Everybody can see it, but me. It's been 3 years and I've been blaming myself. I am now coming to terms with the fact he did do something wrong and it wasn't my fault.
It takes time to heal. I hope you find a way to heal. PM me if you need to rant to anybody.
Hugs x