[Lookupandsmile123]

Im really sorry for keep posting, but I am really lost. I don't know where to turn. I really cannot handle it. Please, can somebody just help me, PLEASE?
I have told my story before, but I will again for anyone who hasn't seen it.
3 years ago, I met a him and it has changed my life, forever.
A bit of background... I'd just broken up with my boyfriend of two years who made me feel worthless, he was one of the first people I let get close to me. He didn't help me through my depression (self harm/suicide attempts), he lied to me, told me he never loved me, etc.
Then I met 'him', I was 14, he was 17. I was so depressed, suicidal, self harming upto 40 times a day, at least 20 anyway. He had a girlfriend. I know it was wrong of me but I fell in love with him, he said he loved me and I was vulnerable and stupid enough to believe him.
Anyway, he was so nice go start with, acted as if he cared about my self harm and then things turned sexual and he didn't care anymore. I would go to his house and perform a sexual act on him because he asked me to (i never wanted to or enjoyed it, it wasn't passionate, it was like a routine, its what he wanted so I gave him it because I wanted him to love/need me so bad). Anyway, he kept asking for oral sex over a period of weeks and I kept saying no, not while you have a girlfriend, anyway he broke up with her. And the night came... He asked for oral sex. I said yes. I DONT KNOW WHY. I didn't want to do it. I never had. I was 14. I didn't want him to laugh or be disappointed. I didn't want him to leave me. So I STUPIDLY said yes. I got down there and really didn't want to, like really bad, I didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't want to look stupid, I didn't want him to not need me. So I kept trying to make myself want to, but I couldn't. He kept moving my head towards it, Im sure he was saying please, I pulled my head away a few times, and he kept moving it towards his penis (Not aggressively though, I didn't feel scared, I might have been nervous laughing I DONT KNOW ), anyway after I moved away a few times, one of the times I got close to his penis, he tries to push it in, I think it went in, just for a second. Then I pulled away. It stopped then. I had his 'pre-ejaculate' on my cheek, Ive never EVER felt so DIRTY in my life. Again. STUPIDLY. I ended up performing another sexual act on him because either he asked or I said I would because I was scared he would leave.
Im so angry at myself. This CONTROLS my life. I've been told SO many times it was sexual assault. And I keep starting to believe it, then I don't think I can accept it, so I make excuses.
Was this wrong? Was it sexual assault? Was it my fault?
I feel so dirty and cheap. I cant sleep because of it, I've tried to take my life because of it, I harm myself because of it, I cant eat properly because of it, I cant have a proper sexual relationship with my boyfriend of two years because of it, Im scared of men because of it.
I sometimes think he's near me and get so scared. I freeze. I cry and panic almost everyday.
Im confused and lost.
Im attending therapy and I am looking into starting therapy for 'sexual assault but I feel so stupid going if it wasn't even that.
Im so sorry. I know this is such a pathetic post. I know this is such a little problem, but I cant move on and Im scared and lost and alone and confused. Please somebody help me.

[allme]

This sounds like a couple of encounters of my own but IMO I don't think this is sexual assault. If it is, then I have also been sexually assaulted! What you do need to do though is work out your issues surrounding the event. I am sorry it troubles you so badly but if it helps any, I don't think it was assault as such. This is just my opinion though.

Sending you hugs

[nannywoofwoof]

Assault or abuse it should never have happened as you were a child. I think the most important thing here is for you to forgive yourself as it appears to me you are punishing yourself for something that was not your fault. You were abused. It happened and it is over now. He can't hurt you anymore unless you let him by reliving the situation. Keep up the therapy. You are confused because you were a child, so you feel guilty and unsure of what really went on. You didn't ask for it to happen and I believe you are now suffering from flashbacks due to possible ptsd. Please ask for as much help as you need and try and forgive yourself. If a 14 year old child came to you and told you this had happened to her, what advice would you give her and how outraged would you feel for her? Think about it. Hugs and best wishes to you xx

[nicoleflynn]

i hope you will get professional help, immediately; you deserve it. Hugs

[Lookupandsmile123]

allme. Thank you for your response, if you don't mind me asking. Why don't you think it was? I've had numerous people say it was? I'm confused.

nannywoofwoof, thank you for your response. Thank you for advice, I will keep up with my therapy and I am seeking different kinds of help. I have tried to forgive myself but I just cant help blaming myself and being confused. Though, I was 14. I was old for my age. I don't know

nicoleflynn, thank you for responding, I am gettinf help, I'm just lost. Thank you though

[allme]

Originally Posted by Lookupandsmile123

allme. Thank you for your response, if you don't mind me asking. Why don't you think it was? I've had numerous people say it was? I'm confused.

nannywoofwoof, thank you for your response. Thank you for advice, I will keep up with my therapy and I am seeking different kinds of help. I have tried to forgive myself but I just cant help blaming myself and being confused. Though, I was 14. I was old for my age. I don't know

nicoleflynn, thank you for responding, I am gettinf help, I'm just lost. Thank you though

I am sorry if I confused you, I guess for me, an assault occurs when the perpetrator is fully aware the other person doesn't consent. I am sorry if I am off base....or if I haven't understood

Look, whether it was or it wasn't, you need to get help dealing with your feelings I hope you find peace regarding this matter

[Lookupandsmile123]

Allme, thank you again for replying. Okay... I don't know. I know I consented initially but then I moved my head away, isn't that a sign? I don't know. Maybe it wasn't? I wasn't scared and I might have laughed in a nervous way, but I really don't remember everything. All I know is it doesn't feel okay as its ruined my life for the past three years. But thank you for answering

[nannywoofwoof]

Originally Posted by Lookupandsmile123

Allme, thank you again for replying. Okay... I don't know. I know I consented initially but then I moved my head away, isn't that a sign? I don't know. Maybe it wasn't? I wasn't scared and I might have laughed in a nervous way, but I really don't remember everything. All I know is it doesn't feel okay as its ruined my life for the past three years. But thank you for answering

I don't know where you are from sorry, but here in England the legal age of consent is 16, therefore the lad who was 17 was abusing a child of 14 and this is totally not legal, right or acceptable in any way whatsoever whether the child consented or not. Hope that clears things up. I wish you all the best in the world and please do keep your head up and understand that you have done no wrong here. Hugs again from Nannywoofwoof x

[Lookupandsmile123]

Nannywoofwoof, thank you for replying. I am from England too, I don't know. I know I was 14, I was old for my age though, does that matter? Also, I know I consented initially but I moved my head away and he had to like push it into my mouth... I don't know. It didn't feel right. I told someone straight away after, which makes me question that it didn't feel right, or I wouldn't have told anybody. I don't know, all I know that this is ruining my life and has for the past three years and I don't want it to anymore
Thank you for replying again, You don't know how much it means to me x

[nannywoofwoof]

Originally Posted by Lookupandsmile123

Nannywoofwoof, thank you for replying. I am from England too, I don't know. I know I was 14, I was old for my age though, does that matter? Also, I know I consented initially but I moved my head away and he had to like push it into my mouth... I don't know. It didn't feel right. I told someone straight away after, which makes me question that it didn't feel right, or I wouldn't have told anybody. I don't know, all I know that this is ruining my life and has for the past three years and I don't want it to anymore
Thank you for replying again, You don't know how much it means to me x

You are doing the right thing going for therapy. It might feel that it is not the right thing for you and it may feel that you are getting worse before you feel better, but keep at it. This must not ruin your life. It's over and you have to let it go so you can move on. Stop punishing yourself please. I know that is difficult when it has been with you for so long, but you have the rest of your life ahead of you and as you grow older you will be able to look back and hopefully one day in the future it won't seem such a big deal. I hope that makes sense love Nannywoofwoof

[Lookupandsmile123]

Nannywoofwoof. Thank you again for your kind words and support. I am trying, I really am. I'm just finding it SO SO SO hard at the moment. Thank you again. Your words mean so much to me, thank you x

[nicoleflynn]

Writing a letter of restorative justice....might help....restorative justice says.....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. Empowering, I believe........and stay in therapy. xoxo

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. At age 14 it was abuse whether you consented or not, and it doesn't matter if you were old for your age.

[Lookupandsmile123]

nicoleflynn, thank you for your suggestion. I have actually made one a few weeks ago. It was very helpful at the time. Thank you xxxx

Bill3, thank you for replying. I don't know . I want to know, regardless of the age, was if wrong? I've been messed up for YEARS because of this and I NEED to know. Thank you for your reply though

[Bill3]

You are finding it difficult to accept that it was assault, even though many have said that it was. What brings you to doubt or question or perhaps even disagree with what those others have said?

[Lookupandsmile123]

Bill3, thank you for responding again.
I question it because it only lasted a couple of seconds or something? Because what if pulling my head away wasn't a clear sign? Because after hed pushed it in my mouth the first time and I moved away, he didn't carry on, even though he had just pushed it into my mouth... Because I don't remember all the details.
I don't know . I know it didn't feel right because I told my friend straight after, and he said it was sexual assualt then I just closed it off from my mind... And now... I'm really messed up because of it and I don't know what to do. If it was... I don't know how to accept it or move on because I loved the guy who did it, though I know now he didn't feel the same

[Bill3]

Some here pointed out that a 14-year old cannot legally consent to a sexual act and therefore it was abuse. You seem to see that as a sort of "cop out" and want to know if it would be abuse or assault if you were older.

My own thinking is that it doesn't matter what it would have been if you were older, because you weren't older. You were 14: a terrified 14-year-old girl. It is not "consent" when sexual actions are taken by terrified 14-year-olds.

Debating this and bearing the weight of it on your shoulders is occupying a huge part of your life. Does your T know how much this is dominating your life?

[Lookupandsmile123]

Yes she knows. And I feel like she is helping, but not enough... Lately things are worse. Self harms a lot worse, not eating, not sleeping, not wanting to leave the house, trying to attempt suicide (stopped by my boyfriend). I'm so stuck.

I don't care if I was 14, I was/NEED to know if it was assault otherwise. If he knew when I kept pulling my head away I didn't want to. But he thought he'd try anyway because I would do anything for him. I loved him, he was all I had and I was vulnerable. Please help

[Bill3]

I kept pulling my head away...he thought he'd try anyway

What does this passage sound like to you?

[Lookupandsmile123]

Like it was wrong...

[Bill3]

Like it was wrong...

It sounds like you are saying that he was wrong because pulling your head away showed that you didn't want to do it and he kept trying anyway.

[Lookupandsmile123]

Yeah, I am. But I don't know if that's okay or not...

[Bill3]

Yeah, I am. But I don't know if that's okay or not...

If you are willing, please speak more about whether or not it is okay to say that. Try to state pros and cons: reasons it might be okay to say that, and reasons it might not be okay to say that.

[Lookupandsmile123]

It might be ok because I consented initially? He could not of noticed I didn't want to (when I was moving my head away) It only lasted 2 seconds or something? He didn't carry on the final time I moved away? I cant remember it all?

It might not be ok because how could someone not see moving away as a sign of no? I cant help feeling like he knew and he was seeing how far he could go (he was very manipulative and knew I was vulnerable and would do ANYTHING for him) and after he pushed it in for a few seconds and I moved away, he knew he'd pushed it? Maybe he realised I realised what he was doing was wrong and that's why he stopped? (BUT doesn't that make it ok?) Maybe he hoped I wouldn't notice?

[Bill3]

What do you think of the following?

1. If my friend says yes and then says no, her answer is no.
2. Suppose I hurt my friend very badly three times and then stop. It is good that I finally stopped, but the three times were still very hurtful and wrong.
3. A guy absolutely, most definitely notices if a head moves away.
4. A person can be very badly hurt in a very short period of time.