[SweetSunshine]

Today is my abusers birthday. I am not sure how I feel about this. Why? Because for some odd reason.. I feel bad for him. I feel bad because he had a bad time a hard time growing up too. Never had the security of his mothers arms, because she died after she gave birth to him. He was always being pulled in so many directions. He didnt know what to do. How can a young boy make good decisions when he is constantly being told one thing then another. Its not his fault he couldnt make good choices is it? Its all in how he was raised.

But then... I didnt deserve what happened to me either..

Why?

I once asked a therapist this question not in regards to my abusers birthday, I don't have any memories of birthdates let alone my abusers but in general why I had conflicting feelings instead of just hating my abuser.

the therapist told me that this was a normal part of the healing process. When someone is abused they go through a "cycle" where first there is hate and pain and so on and then there is a point where the person is no longer focused on the hate, the pain and the abuse but is starting to see t hat not everything including abuse is black and white. That there may well be circumstances outside the survivors life of pain and what they went through that were causing factors in the abuse that happened.

She also said this point is like reaching the topp of the mountain where before the survivor had to dig in their heals and claw their way to the top but now once they reach this point in healing they are now starting the gentle hike on two feet on solid ground with a few loose rocks but not enough to totally upset their balance of using their coping tools and taking care of themselves down the other side of the mountain. on this side of the mountain they start having and making a better life for themselves because they are no longer having to claw and crawl up through all the pain and so on. They focus instead on things in their present life that is much more important to them.

And for me she was right. At that point in my life I was more starting to focus on helping others and making a home for me and my child then I was focusing on the pain of the abuse and so on.

Hang in there.

SweetSunshine, you feel bad about your abuser because you are in a far better place mentally than he is, and so you now see him as inferior to you, which is great as he obviously has no power over you anymore. allow these pity feelings to run there course, they will pass.

you are mentally strong enough and well eductaed to realise how he may have got to to stage he is at.

but, all said and done, he is still responsible for his actions, he still had 2 options to chose from, 1: to walk away, or 2:abuse you as he did. he knew right from wrong, otherwise he would offend often, but he still chose to abuse you. and no, you didnt deserve what happened. he is the one who made the mistakes, and he is the one who has to live with them, you are stronger and can move on from what happened.

so let the feleings pass and try to forget him, try to forget special occasions such as his birthday etc, and just seperate you from the ties he has placed upon you.

simon