It seems that it's really hard to tell when you're being abused during the abuse. I'd like to vent here, so please be careful reading this as it may be triggering.

Growing up, my dad was very harsh. My family thought it was normal. He would yell and make threatening gestures or break things, or throw things towards my mom. I never once knew this a control mechanism, but I just thought he angered easy, and that's how dads are. He also hated my mothers entire family and said they were scheming to break them up, and that we needed to stay away from them. He would get very angry when they decided to visit. Sure, my mom's family weren't great family, but I doubt they were scheming anything. He blamed my mom's running to her family once and awhile as her family's fault, although that wasn't true. My mom wasn't raised very well, and on top of that, was diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder and depression. I truly thought as a kid that my mom's parents were bad people, and that my dad was a great hero. Even more than other kids thought of their dads as heroes. He liked how I spied on mom for him, and any word said that was derogatory against him, ANYTHING, would result in him screaming at the top of his lungs how bad we were. My family thought he was being honest, and I certainly did.

My dad's excuse to return to my mom every fight was "for us kids." Sure, so he could make us cry while he yelled and yelled. At the time, I thought he was honest, again. Especially since he said that any bad thought about him was extremely disloyal and trashy.

When my parents broke up, he became so much more abusive to me. I started to realize at this time that what he was doing was abuse, but I thought since no one loved me that it didn't matter if I was abused at all. He started touching me too, which I was surprisingly blank about. After spending hours after hours every night yelling at me and throwing things at me, I didn't think the touching was so bad. He was always asking me if I loved mom, and if I did, I should be thrown out. But, to cover himself, he said it was completely fine for me to love my mom. So, I knew that if I admitted I loved her to him, he would yell at me and throw me out. Unless friends were around. I just had to be careful I didn't show loyalty towards her. He kept accusing me of saying bad things about him to other people as well...

He made me be mean to my mom, telling me I had to or else I wasn't "loyal" and would be "thrown out," and that any good daughter would stick to one parent's side... So I was made to call my mom and say mean things to her. She was no angel, and truly was mean to him. She didn't care about me, and I felt let down by her. She and my siblings just called him very often to tell him what a horrible person and father he was. And who did he take out his anger over these calls on? Me! I realized he was replacing my mom with me, but he had much less respect for me, so he was even harsher with me than with her. He had a serious drinking problem as well. In order to deal with it, I had to come up with a variety of "manipulative" behaviors and actions, like mentioning something he liked at the right moment, or not doing or doing a lot of things, in order to keep safe.

The next day after fights, he only acted like I had been lightly angry with him the night before or something. He was sour towards me. Whenever I tried bringing up these fights, he blamed it on me, saying I deserved it. He didn't care. He knew he would get away with it. Not like my mom was going to check on me...

Well, I never realized he was abusive until I was older and it was getting worse. My mom is attending therapy now, and I'm surprised that she is. That's a really good decision of hers. I'm not sure if the rest of my family realizes he was abusive from the start.

Thanks for listening. I feel better letting that out.

[Yoda]

That sounds like a tough way to grow up. Are you seeing a T too?

I hope you find PC supportive.

[bigjellybelly]

That is a really awful situation to grow up in :-(

I know what you mean about not realising tilla fterwards - I used to think I was the owner of my thoughts. I was not... It absolutely wrecks your head when you aren't allowed to think for yourself.

I really really feel for you

Thanks. Yoda, I will be seeing one soon. bigjellybelly, thank you. It's amazing how much your thoughts can change when someone else uses force to agree with them.

[BeingSomeoneElse]

Wow. This one really hits home. I had a similar upbringing (dad doesn't drink nor abusive but is extremely manipulative and self centered). Though now I recognize the damage he has done, I didn't know I was being damaged to begin with. All the rules and ploys he created seemed perfectly reasonable and logical.

Mom was more of an absent parent. She was the one who quietly wept in the corner all the time. Dad yelled at her and we always thought that he was right because she should know better than making him angry.

To a certain extent, I took pride in being able to manipulate my father, to say what he wanted to hear and get what I wanted. It was only later that I realized that that was a result of the abuse too.

My brother got studied and got a job away from home. He's been living away for almost 6 years. So it was upto me to protect my younger sister (younger by 9 years) from dads anger. Though we all live under the same roof (I'm 27 years and it isn't uncommon for kids to live with their parents till they get married), my parents haven't spoken to each other for almost 3 years. They haven't slept in the same room for 10 years. And my dad slowly started replacing me for mom. To cook for him when they rowed, to keep the house clean, to come back home early from school to tend to him (he is the type who sits on the couch all day and gets served hand and foot). For a while I did it just to keep the peace in the house.

My mom watched but didn't say anything. And that was the part which sucked the most.
Stay strong breezy~day. Because it's all about taking the power he has back. That's slowly what's happening now at my place. Sis has got a scholarship to a really good college and I'm thinking of taking a job away from "home". My brother and me will pitch in and support my mom to live separately. Though it's a slow process, I think it's imperative to gain that sort of control over your own life.

God, I can so relate to this. At the time I had absolutely no idea it was abuse. I knew it made me feel sick and self conscious and ashamed of myself, but i would never have blamed HIM, it was always ME. Looking back now, there is no chance of him abusing me again, and i am beginning to 'categorise' it as abuse, although it is very hard for me and I only just revealed it to my T.

[bigjellybelly]

Originally Posted by BeingSomeoneElse

To a certain extent, I took pride in being able to manipulate my father, to say what he wanted to hear and get what I wanted. It was only later that I realized that that was a result of the abuse too.

This - yes me too. Awful.

[BeingSomeoneElse]

And you should know that it isn't your fault. Being raised to think that manipulation was OK really messes you up when you know deep down that it isn't.