[Solepa]

I´m sorry but I need to let this out somewhere and I have nowere else so thank you for letting me. TRIGGER WARNING !!

Age 3:

I'm happy, I feel loved and safe

Age 4:

I'm daddy's little princess he is the best father in the whole world. He plays games with me and he is so fun! I love him so so much as I do my mum.

Age 5:

My daddy is now often angry with me and my mum. He screams and she cries. I have to be good and not cause problems!

I am scared to go to sleep there are ghosts coming to my room and hurting me. Mum and dad say it is just a dream but it is not!…or is it?

Age 6:

I don´t know what to do my daddy is not my daddy anymore he is like a monster now. I am scared of him I want my old daddy back! My mum cries a lot and when she comes to my room after they fight I tell her everything is going to be ok…I hope it will. I asked my granny to tell my dad to be nice again. He would listen to her right?

Age 7:

A big boy visited us and he asked me if I want to play games with him and I said Yes but I did not like it and it hurt so much. I wanted him to stop but he wouldn't. I can't tell anyone or we will get in big trouble because you are not suppose to do these things.

My mum asked me if she should divorce my dad but I am scared of that. What would happen? What would that mean? I still hope my good daddy will come back again soon and things will be ok. So I said: “NO mummy don´t get divorced.”

Age 8:

I'm bad my parents argue a lot because of me and I make my daddy so angry all the time. He tells me I´m stupid and ugly and a lot of other things. I try so hard to do things right but he gets mad no matter what I do. Maybe they would be happy again if I leave for ever?

Age 9:

I'm so afraid of my father he is so mean to me all the time. He drinks vodka a lot and I don't know what to do. He tells me he would kill me if I make him mad enough. I don't want to die. My mum is at work all the time and when I see her she is so tired and sad, she can´t help me. Nobody can

Age 10:

My father beat me bad I felt terrified that he would keep his promise but then right there and then I realized it is ok if I die it is actually not that scary at all. I don't feel afraid anymore ….actually I don't feel much of anything

Age 13:

I like to day dream a lot now I have this whole new world in my head and I like it there.

Age 15:

My father is in a hospital in critical condition, he might die and I don't care!

… I'm a horrible person to feel like that. Maybe my father is right I am stupid and worthless and just no good at all.

My mum reminded me that it was my decision that made us stay with my father as I asked her to not divorce him (age 7) so I can´t complain about it now.

Age 18:

I have my first boyfriend! He is nice to me .. wow! He doesn´t scream at me and he doesn´t tell me all these horrible things like my father does.He is even really good looking wow I can´t believe my luck! I am so grateful he likes me even I don´t understand how somebody can.

Later:

We had sex he was very rough I'm still bleeding two weeks later. I collapsed at school and had to go to emergency. But never mind he did not mean to. He is so good to me otherwise. I can deal with this, everything has a price … right?

Later:

I find out I´m adopted … I feel numb to everything at this point.

Age 19:

I am getting the hell out and moving to a different country….there has to be something better then this out somewere

I´m 28 years old now and life is different so why I have to deal with all this again?

[LaborIntensive]

Have you reached out to anyone in the mental health field about this?

[Solepa]

Yes I´m in therapy for a while now. But I just changed therapist so I don´t feel confident telling the new one all of this yet.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story ... Have a nice day

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

Have you reached out to anyone in the mental health field about this?

[AmysJourney]

Solepa, your story made me cry! It is just so unbelievably horrible and I know only people who have experienced something like this know just how unbearable it is to have this kind of history.

I feel I could have written some of this. My own story started when I was five years old and my father burnt big parts of my body. Since the age of six he would come into my bedroom every night, at the age of 8 my mother joined in. They were both sadistic so they always made sure there was blood. They left me for dead many times, I became pregnant from my father at age 13 and he took money from other people so they could have their fun with me and make videos of me. I left home when I was 19 and ever since I feel I have to be on the run because he is still obsessed with me. I am in my early thirties now.

We both know, how a story like ours affects us, and how incredibly difficult it is to not believe the lies we have been told. To deal with the pain and the scars it has left us with. Our story will always remain part of us, it will never go away.
But we can find some comfort in the fact that we have survived, that we are now able to find what makes us happy, what makes us smile. I hope you can find these moments of relief and happiness.

And I want to tell you how sorry I am that you had to experience this! And if you ever feel like talking, I want to be here for you and listen.

You are in my heart, Solepa and I'll keep you in my prayers from now on.

Much, much love,
Amelia

[Solepa]

Amelia I´m so touched by your kind words and your story.... I wish no one would ever suffer so much! Let me send you a lof of virtual hugs and love you deserve.
I wish your days have plenty of moments of relief and happiness now.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to give me support I really appreciate

Best wishes