[WobblyWombat]

When ever my step father was left alone with my sister and I, his mood could change into rage at the least thing we did. Then his rage would be directed mainly at me... .. My little sister was three years younger then me so I felt very strong about protecting her from him.

Most of the abuse would happen after Tennis. I was never good enough in his books. I was always terrified to get into the car because I knew what was coming. It always started in the car. He would start screaming at me and then he would lean back and punch my head in the side window. If I was lucky I might stay conscious. I woke up one time hearing my kid sister screaming.... You killed her you killed her.

It never ended there. When I got home I was stent to that room and he would start in on me again. Punching me with such force. On one occasion he had knocked me out onto the floor, I remember coming too as he screamed to my Nan(A survivor of even greater abuse from her husband) get her up, get her @#@#@#@ up as he kicked me.

I got up and just ran. Out of the house and into the street. I was half undressed because he had come in as I was changing out of my tennis gear. In the street I screamed, pleaded.... "Please someone, please help me...Please" My heart shatter as I looked around and seen curtains being drawn in. No one helped. even as I was dragged back in.

That day changed a part of my soul. Changed me. There are so many other horrific tales of survival.

The very worst happened when my mum and HIM were laying in bed talking and they called me in. Mum wanted to know why I was acting so strangely when she would go out without us. He was glaring at me but mum begged me to explain.. I love my mum so I found the courage to say that I didn't like the way he treated us when she went out.

I don't really remember what was said after that. All I could see was his hateful eyes staring at me.

That night mum broke my heart when she went out to her Bingo game. After she left he came to our bed, I was sure he was going to flog me something terrible but to my horror he dragged my little sister out of bed and into another room where I could hear him beating her. He brought her back crying hysterically. Then he lent over me and whispered. "That's because of your big mouth"

He beat up my sister because he knew that would hurt me far greater then anything he could have done to me. He used our love to hurt us.....

Years later I was diagnosed with PTSD... At first I fought the diagnosis.. I hadn't been to war or watched someone killed.. But my T explained that in the brain of a child every time I was left with that monster I was fighting for my life. My step father was a huge man, I have never meet anyone with broader shoulders and he had muscles that a bodybuilder would envy. It was a miracle he didn't kill me. especially when you consider it started when I was about seven.

A few years ago I had my brain waves tested and the results revealed that I had the same kind of brain injury that Boxers sometime get.

Over the years I struggled with life and living... I was so bad at picking boyfriends that I eventually gave up and have been alone for 16 years now.

My depression and anxiety make me a terrible mess and they seem to get worse every year. I have become a recluse for the past 7 years. I'm so fearful of what people think of me that I don't have a single friend anymore.

I have my mum and we have worked very hard at healing our past. She was only 17, still a kid when i came along. My other family members love me but I see in there eyes how difficult it is to be around someone that cries to much, gets scare off stupid things, and goes into rages over the strangest of reasons. I don't mean I'm raging at them I just get so angry with myself.

My relationship with my sister is difficult because she too has been scared by all that happened to us.

I know in my heart I'm a good person, and when I was young I had lots of friends-kinda- (never really let anyone too close). Even as I typed my broken mind was telling me "No Your NOT" I;m fighting so hard to find strength over my issues.

Well I guess that more then enough depressing information.

More then anything I would love to find friends here...Lots of them.
People that can see through my issues into the loving heart behind them.

Thank you for reading

[kaliope]

im sorry that you experienced such a horrific childhood. I too have been alone many years based on my past. it just seems easier that way. I hope you find healing. take care.

[Fuzzybear]

[Mysterious Flyer]

If the guy is still alive, you should confront him. Get justice and all. That will make you feel less helpless, even if you do have a permanent brain injury now because of him.

And to think. There are some people who destructively insist that there is "no such thing as evil". Fools.

[blueredgrey]

Dear WobblyWombat,

I am so sorry you had such a horrible person at your home who destroyed your childhood and the one person who should have protected you just looked the other way. Sorry, destroyed your childhood is putting it too mildly .

I think you and your sister should try therapy together. You both underwent something traumatic and by dealing with it together, you may be able to support each other. I think you are allowed to be mad at your mom.

I know how you feel when you say you have no friends. Most people find me funny. Most people use me as an ego-boost. I am a people pleaser and most people keep me around because they know I'd be useful. So, I really have no friends .....but I AM getting better at it....with healing my pain. You'd find a lot of friends here. People who really understand your pain....because we sort of have been there.

I do hope you take up writing. It's very therapeutic. Heal from your pain and you'd make friends and maybe find a person who loves you the way you are and love you unconditionally, doesn't matter at what age.

Right now, healing your wounds is the most important part. I hope you can take up something powerful like kickboxing or karate or something like that, because it makes you feel very powerful. You were vulnerable back then. But as dysfunctional adults, we carry that vulnerability. It would definitely make you feel very powerful, make you feel that you can protect yourself (that inner child in you will feel safe).

I wish you all my best to heal from this pain.

[WobblyWombat]

Thank you everyone.....

I agree Bluredgrey that my sister and I need to get help together.. We will I hope...

For many years I felt so much anger towards my mum, especially before my diagnosis... It was a long and difficult journey because the shame was so great that she couldn't accept things..... But as I become more unwell my mum began to see...
The first time she accepted her responsibility in what happen was so life changing....
Just to know that she really understood.... Really believed...we have had our ups and downs but we have found a way to heal together...
Mum is a completely different Mum...a better one.....One that would do anything to never let anyone hurt me again... And it's not just all words, she has shown me this with some many amazing actions........

I too spent my first 28 years as a people pleaser.... Pre- Motherhood...
I think it was the approval I needed... Like I needed to know I was a good girl.... The inner child controlling the adult. Scared of being judged as not worthy or bad. My T helped me see it through eyes of that scared child, I was terrified if I wasn't good I would be punished again.... My inner child is in fear for her life still.

I still fight that feeling everyday.... Feeling badly judged by others makes me want to run away or scream or cry. but I'm slowly learning.

I am trying to become a kind and caring adult to my inner child...If that makes sense..
I mean, I am trying to have compassion for the part of my mind still trap back there....
To be the good parent, the Type of parent we all deserve... I try not to attack the inner child, show her compassion when she tells me I'm no good and everyone hates me. I hope this makes sense... but it is slowly working for me...

Thankyou for your insightful and comforting words

[itsbeenatoughlife]

Hi Wombly,

I am sorry you suffered at the hands of such a creature!
I am no expert in any of this but one thing you said I do know about.

"I still fight that feeling everyday.... Feeling badly judged by others makes me want to run away or scream or cry. but I'm slowly learning. " - its horrible to feel like this and hard to stop feeling so but do you want to know the absolute truth in this matter. Most people are so wrapped up in their own lives/minds that they dont even spare a thought to judge people anymore. The fat kid, the nerd, the outcasts in younger life they are picked on for their differences, as adult they are just more faces in the crowd. Of course there are still some assholes out there that will point and comment but dont worry about them. Once you can stop worrying about what other people think of you, you spend more time thinking about what make will make you happy, or dont think about anything Peace

Dear Wombat-

Your story moved me to tears and made me remember so much-our childhoods were much the same but my abuser was my grandmother.
I won't go into details and I sense there is much you didn't say. Time, love and support will help you heal. I would be honored to be your friend.

[WobblyWombat]

Thanks everyone
Dear itsbeenatoughlife
Your so right about that feeling off Judgement and you way of dealing wit it is wonderful....
My educated adult brain know that you are so right.... I glad to say that I am slowly learning to ignore that broken child that sees judgement and disapproval everywhere.....Thank you for encouraging words.


DEar itsbeenatoughlife
my heart cries for you also...... It is so wonderful to be able to make friends with people who truly understand what you have and are going through...

Thanks for adding me as a friend

I haven't been on line for a while.... I have been going through some really dark roads but at least I am getting through those time better that I use to....

Thanks again to all the wonderful words that everyone has given.... It strengthens me and has been very healing

I send you all so much love

I am so sorry that you had a terrible childhood, It affects us in many ways

[WobblyWombat]

Thank you Krazy Cat