[SheHulk07]

I don't know if this is okay to post here, I'm sorry if it's not.

Anyway, back about 3 or more years ago (I just know in the past 7 years for sure), my husband had sex with me while I was sleeping. I woke up during it, but didn't know what to do, so I pretended I was still a sleep until he finished. When I confronted him about it he told me he did it to see if he could get away with it, and that it was only that one time. He won't let me bring it back up, so I've never told anyone until last month when I told my therapist. Together we haven't put an actual word to it..."Marital rape", "Sexual Abuse"? I refer to it as the "Incident".

He hasn't done it since, but I still can't get over what he did. He continues to touch me while I'm sleeping a lot, which angers me even more. Sex isn't the same anymore, partly because of my endometriosis and part from thinking of this.

I don't know what to do, leaving him isn't an option right now. I feel like maybe I'm over reacting. Any advice or support would be great.

[Big Mama]

I am sorry this has happened to you. That certinly was not right. No one has a right to have sex with you with out asking first. I am glad you have a T who can help with this. I totally get what you are saying about your H touching all over you while you are sleeping. Kinda drives me crazy. Good luck with this.

[NWgirl2013]

That is a tough one in some ways because if it turned you on the way it apparently does him, there would be no problem, right?
The touching you is intrusive especially if you are sleeping or trying to sleep, I get that too. Both of these things say he is really into you, a good thing...right?

But I have been told by men, that it is their idea of very sexy to be awakened by having sex, as in, you doing it to them. Like, a fantasy. Perhaps you & H can talk about fantasies & not 'the incident' as a way to clear the air?

Marital/monogamous sex is the best if everyone is on the same page and there is absolute trust. But spicing things up, doing different things, seems within the boundaries as long as it is not hurting you & you are consenting. IMHO

Endo is a horrible thing that you have to work around. For that I truly sympathize.

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by NWgirl2013

That is a tough one in some ways because if it turned you on the way it apparently does him, there would be no problem, right?
The touching you is intrusive especially if you are sleeping or trying to sleep, I get that too. Both of these things say he is really into you, a good thing...right?

But I have been told by men, that it is their idea of very sexy to be awakened by having sex, as in, you doing it to them. Like, a fantasy. Perhaps you & H can talk about fantasies & not 'the incident' as a way to clear the air?

Marital/monogamous sex is the best if everyone is on the same page and there is absolute trust. But spicing things up, doing different things, seems within the boundaries as long as it is not hurting you & you are consenting. IMHO

Endo is a horrible thing that you have to work around. For that I truly sympathize.

Definitely did not turn me on at all. Just angered me and continues to. We have talked about that he would love to be awaken by sex, and I have explained that I don't like to be touched at all while I'm sleeping and it's not ok. But he continues to do it. He doesn't even apologize for it and tells me to stop being cranky. My sex drive is in the toilet so I know it makes it difficult but he could at least respect my wishes.

[NWgirl2013]

Perhaps you can discuss this with your T; ways to be clear with your H. Even ask for different words to say if he isn't hearing the ones you are using. Yes, I know that NO is a universally understood one but it isn't getting in. He isn't thinking with the right head when these things are happening, but I'm sure you already know that. He may think he is being playful & not realizing that he is making you angry.
Maybe going to counseling together might help him understand you a little better and help the two of you figure out how to get his needs met while yours are so low right now.
Sorry you are having this going on...

[Purple Heart]

It is sexual abuse because you didn’t consent to him doing that. Relationships are about setting boundaries and communication. You need to set boundaries with him: no sex or touching me while I’m asleep. Communicate with him: use ‘I’ statements – I felt hurt when you had sex with me without asking me first. I feel angry.... I feel frustrated that you don’t listen to me, etc.

Maybe consider marital counselling as it seems he is dismissing how you feel and he thinks it is no big deal. Relationships are about respecting each other. In this case, he did not respect you and since it happened a long time ago, you are still hurt.

I’m a man but doesn’t give me a right to just have sex if my partner does not want it at the time. If he is not listening to you or respecting you, you may have to leave him. But try to get marital counselling first!! That’s my thoughts.

[krisakira]

That is rape.

[ThisWayOut]

If you did not consent to it, and it bothers you, then he should not be doing it. I would consider it abuse, or at least sexual assault. He should be respecting your desire not to be touched while sleeping. It doesn't matter what has happened to your sex drive, or what he would need to do for himself. No is still no. I'm pretty sure he can handle himself and still get what he needs without involving you. I'm sorry he is being so disrespectful.

I personally hate the idea of being woken up by being touched (very, very triggering), so I can totally relate.