Letter To My Abuser. Part 1. Dear Dad/Stranger.

Hello everyone,
I went ahead and put a trigger icon (just incase)
I think it goes without saying that I'm not actually sending this message to my any of my abusers. I guess this is just a way for me to vent, and let go of some things. This is part.1. A letter to my step father.
(part 2,3 will be a letter to those who sexually abused me)

Dear Dad, I guess I shouldn't even refer to you as my father, because you never acted like one. So I guess I'll just go ahead and say

Dear Stranger,
I have so many words for you that I have left unsaid. Truth is if i were to be face to face with you right now, I would more than likely want to punch you, and i would probably go silent, and have a hard time looking you in the eye, and telling you how I feel. I guess I always wished for a loving supportive father. ever since I was a little girl. You came along, I had hopes, and you let me down. You always told me "even though I'm not your "Real dad" (blood related) You will always be my babygirl" So I can't help but ask myself "where are you now?" We no longer talk, I know that's for the best. But it still hurts. Our whole relationship has been nothing but hurt. I couldn't rely on you to be there for me. (with my best interest anyways) Everything you did for me was just so you could rub it in my face later on, you only ever acted like you gave a crap about me in front of my mother or after you hurt me.

Saying "I love you" doesn't make Every time you layed hands on me. Every time you compared me to others. Every time you made insulting comments on my appearance. Every time you made me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. Everytime you called me stupid, hurt any less or make anything better between us.

You were always angry, on edge, ready to snap. It's almost as if your anger has rubbed off on me over the years. I never wanted to be home. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of being yelled at. We couldn't even hold a conversation the 17 years I lived with you. You wanted to control me, but at the same time you didn't want to be apart of my life. When did you ever show concern for my mental health? When did you ever ask me If i was okay? when I clearly wasn't. You only comforted me after hurting me. I guess it's true... your childhood can really follow you in to your adulthood. I have a hard time believing a man when they tell me they love me, or won't hurt me. I sabotage the relationship in fear of them hurting me first. Because I guess I'm just used to being hurt, and mistreated.

You tried to blackmail my mom "if you don't get her to leave, and put her in to a group home, I'm leaving you" You knew my mom would stay with you, because she needed the financial support. I overheard you say that In the laundry room. You made me feel abandoned. All those times you called the police on me for ridiculous crap. You lied through your teeth to the cops. You didn't want me to learn any lessons, you just wanted me to suffer, you didn't want me around anymore. Even after punching me in the face, and giving me a bloody nose, you told the police it was because I was late for my probation curfew, like that's an excuse for a 30 something grown ***** man laying his hands on his "Daughter". I have so much resentment, and hostility towards you build up inside of me. I cringed for the longest time every time I seen the same black honda civic you used to drive around (basically stalking me) even after I left the city.

You can say that I was a "problem child" and you did everything you did because you loved me. but you don't hit your children if you love them. no matter how misbehaved they are. I still remember you dropping me off on the highway when I was a kid, threatening to do it, and then ACTUALLY doing it. Because me and my brother would be fighting, or I would be irritating you. You would drive off to "scare us" leaving both of us, or one of us alone on the highway. You are a monster. You always have been, and you probably always will be.

I didn't have a normal childhood. normal 17 year olds don't have bedtimes, and get yelled at to go to sleep when I'm quiet in my room, laying on my bed watching tv/writing. Normal teenagers are allowed to have access to the internet, and have friends. Normal teenagers are allowed to make mistakes and not know how to properly do things. I tried so hard at math, and It didn't matter. I still ended up being the stupid one. I can remember so vividly you bashing on the table to the point everything would bounce off the table, huffing, and puffing, your face all red, with that crazy look in your eyes, yelling like a child "It's not rocket science Megan, what are you stupid?" Because of this I'm scared to even try at most things. I call myself stupid every time I screw up. I'm so damn hard on myself all the time. I also feel inadequate, I don't feel good enough, because of you never accepting me and loving me for who I am, you comparing me to my younger brothers, and even comparing me to my dead best friend.

I wish my mother would have left you long before I run away from home. Maybe then I would have suffered a little less.

I am glad you are able to get these thoughts and feelings out!

I'm sorry you went through this. I went through similar things. It's good to be able to acknowledge and understand your feelings.

Darling, let me begin by saying it takes tremendous courage to write such a detailed and encompassing letter to your abuser. I dealt with a similar experience with my step father, however he came into my life when I was 14. I'm 21 now but the abuse still has a firm grip on me at times. It's not easy dealing with these things and these types of people. Thankfully, there are sites like these and other support systems among us that can help us move through and forward. I thank you for this post and if you ever need to talk don't hesitate to shoot me a message. *HUGS*