I am curious about how other individuals with sexual abuse in their past first spoke about what they went through.

For myself, I'm not sure that I would have ever told anyone but that choice was taken away when it was exposed. My abuse was revealed by one of the other victims sharing what had happened to them, stating that it had also happened to me. At that point I got swept along in the flurry that followed.

Please excuse the length of the poll, but I wanted to try to give people a way to answer without them having to reply in case they wanted to remain anonymous.

• Section 1 is for people who have spoken about it. Please check only the first person you told about it.
• Section 2 is for people who haven't told anyone. Please check any of the reasons that would apply.
• Section 3 is for whether or not you laid charges, or want to lay charges.

[Trippin2.0]

My experience was a bit unorthodox...
I first spoke about it when I forwarded a FB convo between me and "him" to my family with the evidence of how vile their precious brother / cousin / uncle is.

See I confronted him via FB inbox messaging and he admitted to everything, I told him to quit talking to me or I would expose him, then he basically dared me, so I did!

Most liberating thing I ever did, now I don't have to pretend to like a "brother" I can't stand and nobody has to ask why I have a "no contact" rule.

No intention of pressing charges though, he doesn't even live in the same country as me and it would kill my elderly mother to know she raised a monster.

[shabur]

I was abused as a child and held onto that secret for 40 years. The first person I told was my therapist, but only after several sessions when I knew I could trust her. I told her I was NEVER going to tell anyone else, but she convinced me to tell my family and then I joined a group and told them...and my pdoc knows, too. So much for NEVER telling anyone else.
It has really had a significant impact on my life. I've not been able to maintain a romantic relationship because I struggle trusting others.

It's surprising that the therapist/counselors (so far) seem to be who people tell the most.

It is understandable, since they are someone who must keep what you say private, and you have the ability to never see them again if you wish. But at the same time I wonder why we can't tell the people we know?

There was a surgery I had when I was 13, and for the procedure they go into the veins located in the groin. The thought of this terrified me. I would be laying there unconscious exposed to strangers with them doing who knows what to me, and then afterward the incisions would have to be repeatedly checked by someone. I remember it tearing at me, frustrating me to no end that I couldn't explain why I didn't want to have the procedure done.

In the end I couldn't, and I went through the surgery in a silent rage that came out once I was coming out of the anesthesia. I have no recollection of it, but I was screaming and howling like a wounded animal, punching and kicking (which was incredible since I was supposed to be temporarily paralyzed from the waist down). I clocked several of the nurses and was in danger of bleeding out as they struggled to get control of me.

I still can't understand why I wasn't able to tell people back then. If that's what was inside me, why did I keep it in? Why did I bottle it up and live like that for all those years? Is it because we're afraid of the rage we can't express?

Originally Posted by Trebyn

It's surprising that the therapist/counselors (so far) seem to be who people tell the most.

It is understandable, since they are someone who must keep what you say private, and you have the ability to never see them again if you wish. But at the same time I wonder why we can't tell the people we know?

There was a surgery I had when I was 13, and for the procedure they go into the veins located in the groin. The
thought of this terrified me. I would be laying there unconscious exposed to strangers with them doing who
knows what to me, and then afterward the incisions
would have to be repeatedly checked by someone. I
remember it tearing at me, frustrating me to no end that I
couldn't explain why I didn't want to have the
procedure done.
n the end I couldn't, and I went through the surgery in a silent rage that came out once I was coming out of the anesthesia. I have no recollection of it, but I was
screaming and howling like a wounded animal, punching and kicking (which was incredible since I was supposed to be temporarily paralyzed from the waist down). I clocked several of the nurses and was in danger of bleeding out as they struggled to get control of me

I still can't understand why I wasn't able to tell people back then. If that's what was inside me, why did I keep it in? Why did I bottle it up and live like that for all those years? Is it because we're afraid of the rage we can't express?

I kept being offended sexually a secret too for most of my life. My mother had made a statement asking about some neighborhood guy (theres a whole lot more to this story) but I already knew I would deny he had been offending me (why? IDK) and a statment my mother said reinforced me to keep my mouth shut, " if your father finds out he touched you hell kill him" so I NEVER told. Repressed it for 40 yrs and finally told my psyd last year.

Yeah I told my husband because I had a feeling that my brother was still doing it, My worse fears were confirmed so I went to the police and reported him, My family have fallen out with me now, They constantly call me a liar, It hurts that I am not believed (especially by family) The charges against my brother were dropped because of lack of evidence.

[blueredgrey]

I was flip flopping between "to tell or not to tell". I wanted my family to know, but I wasn't sure when that would happen....I always imagined that all hell would break loose when I tell.

Just 2 days back, accidentally my brother discovered my secret blog which I maintain for catharsis.

My heart beat so fast I thought I would suffer a stroke or heart attack. My brother had always been a very "anti-psychology" person. I talked of depression, he tried to convince me it wasn't depression. I talked about emotional abuse, he gave example of friend physically abused saying "your pain can't be worse than his....you are playing victim"

But my brother was amazingly supportive. Told me to go to a therapist. Told me moving on is important and not let my past affect me. Told me he'd be there for me, whenever I needed him. Told me, wish he knew earlier, he would have confronted dad (my abuser). Told me that the only thing that matters is my healing.

And the discussion ended.
Since then....things are like exactly back to normal. I dreaded for almost of year for what talking about my abuse would bring....how it would change things, for better or for worse.

But within 2 days, things are exactly the way they were....it's like nothing happened.

I sure don't expect any extra affection or care or sympathy from my brother. But I sure wish my brother rethinks about life with our father and work towards improving himself, like I have started. We both are like adults stuck in teenage (period when my father's abuse began).

Therapists are the first people we tell, because 1. they are the only people who would understand it. 2. We can trust them that it won't be shared with friends' friends' friends. 3. There is no retaliation. When you tell family, there is no way of knowing how they'd react. Most of them believe abusers to be the awesomest person they've met, since abusers are 2-faced narcissists. Some want to continue living in the delusion and slip into denial, some are supportive, some don't know how to react maturely to it.

Generally families where abusers live are dysfunctional families.

Victims of sexual abuse don't tell family because -
1. They don't want to hurt them with the truth. As twisted as the logic be, most think about others before they think of themselves and telling family would hurt relationships.
2. They are afraid of what family's reaction would be.
3. There is a lot of secrecy associated with any sexual crime. Even today, rape victims feel a little shame and guilt for a crime that was done to them!! When my brother came to know of it.....I felt cheap and dirty , even if it wasn't my fault.

I hope each one of us heals from the pain of sexual abuse.

OMG this is so true, I was offended by two older men in my neighborhood(different offenses) I was 8. I feel shame and embarresed, why do we feel that way? They touched me. Strange how the victim carries the shame when they did nothing wrong.

Originally Posted by blueredgrey

I was flip flopping between "to tell or not to tell". I wanted my family to know, but I wasn't sure when that would happen....I always imagined that all hell would break loose when I tell.

Just 2 days back, accidentally my brother discovered my secret blog which I maintain for catharsis.

My heart beat so fast I thought I would suffer a stroke or heart attack. My brother had always been a very "anti-psychology" person. I talked of depression, he tried to convince me it wasn't depression. I talked about emotional abuse, he gave example of friend physically abused saying "your pain can't be worse than his....you are playing victim"

But my brother was amazingly supportive. Told me to go to a therapist. Told me moving on is important and not let my past affect me. Told me he'd be there for me, whenever I needed him. Told me, wish he knew earlier, he would have confronted dad (my abuser). Told me that the only thing that matters is my healing.

And the discussion ended.
Since then....things are like exactly back to normal. I dreaded for almost of year for what talking about my abuse would bring....how it would change things, for better or for worse.

But within 2 days, things are exactly the way they were....it's like nothing happened.

I sure don't expect any extra affection or care or sympathy from my brother. But I sure wish my brother rethinks about life with our father and work towards improving himself, like I have started. We both are like adults stuck in teenage (period when my father's abuse began).

Therapists are the first people we tell, because 1. they are the only people who would understand it. 2. We can trust them that it won't be shared with friends' friends' friends. 3. There is no retaliation. When you tell family, there is no way of knowing how they'd react. Most of them believe abusers to be the awesomest person they've met, since abusers are 2-faced narcissists. Some want to continue living in the delusion and slip into denial, some are supportive, some don't know how to react maturely to it.

Generally families where abusers live are dysfunctional families.

Victims of sexual abuse don't tell family because -
1. They don't want to hurt them with the truth. As twisted as the logic be, most think about others before they think of themselves and telling family would hurt relationships.
2. They are afraid of what family's reaction would be.
3. There is a lot of secrecy associated with any sexual crime. Even today, rape victims feel a little shame and guilt for a crime that was done to them!! When my brother came to know of it.....I felt cheap and dirty , even if it wasn't my fault.

I hope each one of us heals from the pain of sexual abuse.

[nicoleflynn]

There are some things you never heal from, but find a way to live with.

*Other: Not sure it was really abuse/ don't think it was severe enough to warrant attention.

I know what he did was inappropriate but when compared to many others I feel like to make any deal of it is over reacting.

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

*Other: Not sure it was really abuse/ don't think it was severe enough to warrant attention.

I know what he did was inappropriate but when compared to many others I feel like to make any deal of it is over reacting.

YOUR experience of ANYTHING that happens to you IS important. Comparing it to what has happened to others is inappropriate for some people. If something inappropriate was done to you with out your concent then its wrong and you were victimized by someone no matter how "worse" or "not" compared to what has happened to others. What has happened to you IS important to you, what has happened to others is important to them. Take care of yourself. :-)

[Luce]

I told a school counsellor and was subsequently put in foster care. I was pressured to retract my statements in visits with other family members, and was later returned to the family home.
When that happened I told myself "I will do what I need to do for now but when I am older I will do what I need to do to heal ME."
The abuse continued until I was able to move away from the city once I was an adult. The very first thing I did when arriving in my new city was find a therapist who could help us.

[jenluv]

I can't press charges -- she's dead.

[Big Mama]

I told my T 35 years after the fact. My family doesn't know, my friends con't know. No one knows. I plan on keeping it that way,. I did tell my husband but it took me 20 years of being married to him to tell him. The one person who you should trust the very most I couldn't tell. My own husband. Things still come to me this very day, new things, I don;lt have much to go on, jsut to many parts of to many memories.

The rape on the other hand, I remember all of that. The T was the first person I told, then I told my H. Again after waiting 20 years. I'm still not sure if I am glad I told my husband or not. I won;t be telling anyone else. Wait I told the dentist as well. The confinement and things stuffed in my mouth are a huge trigger and issue for me. The T helped me with that.

[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

*Other: Not sure it was really abuse/ don't think it was severe enough to warrant attention.

I know what he did was inappropriate but when compared to many others I feel like to make any deal of it is over reacting.

Abuse is abuse. It doesnt matter how severe it was. You dont have to compare your experience to someone else's. I compared mine to others and minimized what happened but ultimately had to accept that it was abuse. You can pm me if you want to talk about it.

[rothfan6]

I kept the secret from my family that my dad was abusing me for about 15yrs. All of it I had bottled up just started crashing in on me at once a couple of years ago so I finally told a friend. It took about a year (i’m really stubborn) but she finally convinced me to go to therapy. My t only knows a broad overview I haven’t been able to go into much detail yet. I’m never telling my family and will probably never have a spouse to tell either.

[Big Mama]

Rothfan, you take all the time you need, and handle the situation how ever you think you should. I have never told my parents. It happened when I was 3-5 yrs old. Again when I was 10. I was raped when I was 15. Now I am 40. I have never told my parents, I have no intention of telling them ever. The T says that is fine. As long as no one else is in danger then the decision is mine. I just told my H about the rape last year. The CSA (child sexual abuse) came up with me and him about 6 months later. I don't know that it helped any to tell him, but it does give him a better idea of why I do the things I do, and why I handle situations differently. It hasn't changed how often we argue and such, but it does explain some things. If it were not for T I would not have gone threw with any of this. She ha been the biggest help and the greatest source of guidance and understanding.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Rothfan, you take all the time you need, and handle the situation how ever you think you should. I have never told my parents. It happened when I was 3-5 yrs old. Again when I was 10. I was raped when I was 15. Now I am 40. I have never told my parents, I have no intention of telling them ever. The T says that is fine. As long as no one else is in danger then the decision is mine. I just told my H about the rape last year. The CSA (child sexual abuse) came up with me and him about 6 months later. I don't know that it helped any to tell him, but it does give him a better idea of why I do the things I do, and why I handle situations differently. It hasn't changed how often we argue and such, but it does explain some things. If it were not for T I would not have gone threw with any of this. She ha been the biggest help and the greatest source of guidance and understanding.

I too never told any one about being offended untill last year after holding onto it for 35/40 yrs.i told a therapist after developing problems with ptsd. Two different men, separate offenses. I have no intention of telling anyone, not even my husband.