[Just Me Over Here]

Hello,

This may be triggering to some, so please take care of yourself.

I'm an adult survivor of c.s.a. It was about 30 years ago, but I'm still haunted. I was under 10 when it happened, several times. The thing is, I wasn't alone. There were at least 3 of us victims that I know of. I am not in touch with any of them today.

Problem is, in my flashbacks, I remember how the perp - the monster - made us act out on each other, or at least, he made me do it to another. Today, I feel like I hurt another child, even though I was only one myself. We were classmates even. I can see his face in the flashback, "my victim," the horror, the desperation, the pleading look that he just wanted to get his clothes back so he could leave.

The Monster made me hurt another child.

On some level, I know it wasn't my fault, that the gun made me do it. And I was so small myself. But this is really hard to shake. I can't get that face out of my mind.

Thanks for listening.

JMOH

[blueredgrey]

Hi JMOH,

If I am reading this right, you were held at gunpoint and made to do stuff?

omg! That's so horrible! I am so sorry you underwent this traumatic incident. I hope you are currently working with a therapist.

I can't emphasize this enough, you were in no way responsible for what you did. It's difficult enough to say no to a person older or in a higher power position than you, even if you are an adult yourself....how can a child say no. In this case, you also had a gun pointed at you.

Please let go of that guilt. You are not responsible for what you did, when you were forced to do it by an adult...holding a gun. Your therapist will help you do just that.

One thing you can try, is imagine yourself to be the monster and imagine doing what he did. That's how I developed a little empathy for myself and a disgust towards by abuser.

We're here to help you in any way we can!

good luck!

[ThisWayOut]

[shabur]

I was sexually abused for for 9 years as a child. While I wasn't forced to act on another child, I have carried a lot of guilt, blaming myself for the abuse. The abuser made me believe I wanted it and it was all my fault. It's hard to get over that.
You are NOT responsible for anything that happened. You need help to work through this. Are you in therapy?