symptoms of emotional abuse

i found this at http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Having%20...Needs%20Denied and ive never found a more perfectly accurate description of myself. its freaky. i cant believe how much damage was done by the things i thought were totally normal and just the way people lived. its shocking. maybe there really was more wrong with him than with me??
do others here identify with this? i would love to hear any thoughts on it.
(all the 'I' statements from here on were in the article and are not mine)

Feelings of low self- esteem (they say as a result of being criticized.)

We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionistic, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.

We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.

We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain "loyal" in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved. (I would say not wanting to lose them, having an extremely hard time "letting go.")

We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This causes us to feel inadequate and insecure. (I would say it further adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.)

We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities.

We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power) as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. (And we confuse love with need)

We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others' problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.

We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.

We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.

We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us form ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. (I would add because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won't eventually leave us once they see how "bad" we are.)

Denial, isolation, control, shame, and inappropriate guilt are legacies from our family of origin. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.

We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions. (ie become codependent)

We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end.

We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.

Hi Biiv,

What a treasure house of information!

EJ

hits the nail on the head, from my perspective of working with patients........xoxoxo pat.......thanks a ton for that.......do you mind if i print it out?

iyes it was an interesting site to browse.

i certainly dont have a problem with you printing it. i dont know about site rules about acknowledging the site it came from and stuff though but im fine with it.

I don't think it's so much "damage" as "surprise" because we didn't understand. I use to think things my stepmother said were "normal" only to have my T explain over and over how they were abusive until I finally got it. I was trying to "connect" and my stepmother was being critical. The answer to "Hey, what's for dinner?" (me) is not, "If you were in here [the kitchen] helping, you'd know!" (my stepmother :-)

I think therapy can "fix" a great deal of emotional abuse in that it can show us how "not normal" the responses were to "us." My T was respectful of me as is my husband and friends and . . . so it comes down to just my stepmother having her own problems which I thought were mine because I was a child instead of an adult. Think of the emotional abuse of your childhood as if it were happening now. . . you wouldn't think anything of it/wouldn't put up with it and would move away from that person if it happened now. Most of us are not teenagers anymore.

I'm finding that knowledge alone isn't enought for me to remove myself completely from unhealthy situtions. I don't understand why exactly? Maybe because part of me thinks we can "fix" it? I don't feel I've reached the stage yet where I can just decide "this isn't healthy and walk away"? ANy thoughts on this?

Mouse, a lot (for me) has to do with "focus." If you're looking at the other person/the situation then you can remain stuck but if you are looking at the "walk away" then you can't see the person/situation anymore. We can only "do"/think one thing at a time, there is no true multi-tasking, only really fast sequential-tasking :-) So, if you face away from whatever is "unhealthy," you'll notice something else. Maybe in therapy you've noticed that you have multiple "entry" points/problems and if you work on one the others get better too when the one gets better or if you get stuck you can put one down and try another? The "sleep on it" idea works that way too; just "drop" whatever it is that's frustrating and pick up something else that looks smaller/easier. It's all a giant jigsaw puzzle :-)

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Perna said:
Mouse, a lot (for me) has to do with "focus." If you're looking at the other person/the situation then you can remain stuck but if you are looking at the "walk away" then you can't see the person/situation anymore. We can only "do"/think one thing at a time, there is no true multi-tasking

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AArr, thats where I am getting stuck. I'm spending to long "Looking" This is what I mean about trying to fix it maybe. But yes, I see your point. walking away is its own solution!.
Thanks

hmmmm... for me i wouldnt say surprise. i guess i meant it seems it warps your sense of identity and so many aspects of the way you relate to others and yourself. its like it takes you off the 'normal' developmental path you should be on and makes things go a bit skew-ways.
for me it was 'hey whats for dinner' (me to mum); 'what did you make?' (dad). which had a negative impact on me that im not trying to decode and i think it means 'youre useless, lazy, spoilt ie given more than you deserve, ungrateful...'
i do feel all those things and the only reason i can think of that i feel all those things (and other things attached to other comments/incidents etc) is because of growing up with that. i wonder if it explains that feeling of ... whatever that horrible 'i hate me' sort of feeling i have inside is.
the only other possible answer is i am actually all those things... i dont know which is true. my mind changes with my mood all the time.
its encouraging i guess that you think therapy can 'fix' this. this is why i keep going.
thanks for your thoughts on this perna
take care
biiv

hi mouse. im a bit lost in this 'walk away' discussion. methinks maybe you guys are a lot more evolved than my sad self.
i hope you can get past the stuck point cos i do get that staying with people who do this is definately not a good thing. at least you can recognise when its happening!
good luck and take care
biiv

wow, that was a strong website. It says it all too well. Now if i only had the courage to show my parents that maybe(unlikely) they would admit that the way things are in this house are far from normal and healthy!!

Is there any support on this forum for women who are abused by their partner?

hi goldflower and welcome. you ll find lots of people here can empathise with that and will support you in it.
if you start a post yourself with this question in it more people will see and respond to you. you can post it here or i think the relationships forum might be appropriate too. or maybe even the womens issues forum (assuming you re a woman?).
im sorry if you have had to experience that and i hope you are safe now?
good luck to you and please dont hesitate to reach out to people here. there are many good understanding hearts on this site.
take care
biiv

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biiv said:
for me it was 'hey whats for dinner' (me to mum); 'what did you make?' (dad)
biiv

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Oh, wow, biiv! I had the exact same conversation with my stepmother, "Hey, what's for dinner" (me to mum); "If you were in here helping, you'd know!"

I didn't get that one until my T kept working on it for months and months (it seemed) and we realized that I was trying to "connect" with her, start a conversation, and she was "missing" me/what I was trying to do. The result was we didn't connect :-(

Biiv, thanks for the link to this interesting site. I've just begun exploring it and it's all too familiar as well.

I've begun printing like mad, all these sections.....light reading....so I think I'll have to revisit to post my reactions. Just wanted to say thanks again for this link, it's good to "hear" from you here as well

im sorry perna. maybe this is something i should talk to T about. most of the time now i have no feelings really about what went on at home and im sick sick sick of talking it to death. lol. yet i still seem to be living according to all the crap i was taught. grrrrrrrrr.
hmmm. my mind just went for a wander all by itself there. lol. im sorry your mum couldnt connect with you. i know how hard that can be.
be good to yourself,
biiv
edited to add: lol perna. just realised that message i wrote was a reply to a message you wrote about your experience with dinner in the kitchen! lol.

'light reading' lol. glad you are getting something out of it anyway.
to you too.
look forward to reading your reactions.
take care of yourself Talulah,
biiv
p.s. i like your name btw.

Hi biiv......i like your name too!

I didn't mean light reading as it sounded when i reread it, i mean.......i printed it and it's sat in my bag cause i do that all the time. I almost won't go where I know it'll be painful, yet i carry out pages of the printout in my bookbag for....weeks. I printed nearly every page of the site, put a tight little paper clip on it, put it in my school bag and have carried everywhere with me.....but haven't read it.....i've looked to make sure its there, but haven't read it.......weird. I know, I'm driven with issues......i was happy to see you sort of sharing and exposing yourself a little more and now I'm afraid to read that stuff.
Guess I'm better at offering support and directing the care away from me......anyway. if i ever read it, i will be certain to post. (It's still in my bag)

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"...Certainly all children of alcoholics were emotionally abused."

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Hmm, I did not know this. I grew up in a heavily alcoholic family. There was one thing on the first list that didn't 'fit' me...but only one. I knew that some of my aunts/uncles were involved with NACOA (native american children of alcoholics), later on in life, but I didn't really think about how it affected me...though I was much younger when things happened.

Thanks Biiv for posting this, its given me alot to think about.

probably a very good idea to take your time reading some stuff. usually i just keep reading and then find ive started scrolling without even noticing cos my brain has shut off. total waste of time! guess its our hearts that dictate when we re ready to read something and our brain really doesnt have that much of a choice in the matter sometimes!
doesnt seem weird to me to carry it round in your bag btw. i do so many things that are so much weirder! but then again... i think i might be weird too...

(edited for spelling. sigh)

hi BP,
im glad this got you thinking though im sorry you had to grow up in an environment like that. that quote sounds like a very unqualified statement so it automatically makes me skeptical about it but then i cant really think of how someone could grow up in the same house as an alcoholic and not suffer emotional abuse so it probably is unfortunately true.
go easy with the thinking though. that can be a dangerous sport sometimes. <------- see? hehe
take good care,
biiv

ps hey look at this!!! im a veteran member now!! hehe. cool!

I grew up in a house with several alcoholics, from the time I was born until I moved out. I know of 'instances' that stand out that were really frightening, but I didn't really think of the day to day stuff. I don't know, I've had a headache for months from RA meds and am very easily confused lately. I guess I'll store this info away until my head clears up some.

Congrats on your veteran membership

do what you need to care for yourself hon. you ll know yourself when its time to dig through this stuff. im sorry i dont know what RA meds are. im sorry they re messing with your head though. constant headaches really suck and they alone can make it really hard to concentrate even without med fuzz in your brain.
take your time and be gentle with yourself.
i hope you feel better soon.
biiv