[emmaleewhispers]

Without going into a whole lot of unnecessary detail, I will say that I was molested at age 14 by a 19 year old random stranger. However, it happened one time, and I don't let it bother me. It never really bothered me to begin with, which I think is odd. I mean, sure, I felt violated, but it didn't tear my world apart, unlike other situations that have happened in my life, which were not nearly as bad as this. I remember feeling "frozen" during the incident, as if I couldn't speak or move, though.

Then when I was 17, I lost my virginity to this guy who was 30 years old. He never asked if I would have sex with him, but just started to undress me and have sex with me. I felt "frozen" at this time, too, and didn't feel like I could say or do anything although I did not want it to happen.

Today, at 30 years old, I have serious trust issues with men... and I don't know if this could be stemming from what happened to me. Is it bothering me a lot more than I originally thought? Did I block out my feelings in order to not have to deal with them?

My question is, what's wrong with me? And my other question... is the second scenario considered rape, even though I never actually spoke the word "no"?

I don't know why I need to know this now, at this point in my life. I guess I'm more curious than anything else.

[Silent_Tears_17]

Hi. You seem to already have a lot of insight into all of this. So, basically if bad things happen to people they respond in one of 3 ways - people most commonly label them as fight or flight (but this is only two). So, some people fight, some people run away, and then there are those of us who freeze. All of these are biological reactions.
Denial is a huge factor in why you probably did not react so strongly at first, or even ever. It is no longer a criteria in the DSM because it has been labeled insignificant. I find that especially at a young age, people are less equipped to deal with the trauma and just try to ignore it. Personally, I am still trying to piece back together my junior year of highschool because I have a lot of memory loss/blockage from that time in my life.
Even if you had consented at 17, the huge age gap makes for a statutory rape scenario (even if legally it may not have been). But you didn't consent. He didn't ask and you froze. I personally struggle with the freezing piece, it really angers me because I reacted like that. I know it is irrational but it doesn't help any. You were still a child (17 is still a child) and this was a grown man and he did not ask you. He raped you. And if you had said no it would most likely not have made any difference. I mean freezing up isn't exactly how someone communicates they want to have sex. It's the whole paralyzed by fear thing. And it probably had a lot to do with the attack when you were 14.
Trust issues are really common, and you may consider talking with a therapist. I literally just got this website from an elder member when I posted yesterday. It talks about PTSD and complex PTSD. I dont know if you have either, but you may want to look at it: Complex post traumatic stress disorder (complex ptsd, pdsd, shell shock, nervous shock, combat fatigue), symptoms and the difference between mental illness and psychiatric injury explained
Feel free to message me if you want to talk.

[emmaleewhispers]

Originally Posted by Silent_Tears_17

Hi. You seem to already have a lot of insight into all of this. So, basically if bad things happen to people they respond in one of 3 ways - people most commonly label them as fight or flight (but this is only two). So, some people fight, some people run away, and then there are those of us who freeze. All of these are biological reactions.
Denial is a huge factor in why you probably did not react so strongly at first, or even ever. It is no longer a criteria in the DSM because it has been labeled insignificant. I find that especially at a young age, people are less equipped to deal with the trauma and just try to ignore it. Personally, I am still trying to piece back together my junior year of highschool because I have a lot of memory loss/blockage from that time in my life.
Even if you had consented at 17, the huge age gap makes for a statutory rape scenario (even if legally it may not have been). But you didn't consent. He didn't ask and you froze. I personally struggle with the freezing piece, it really angers me because I reacted like that. I know it is irrational but it doesn't help any. You were still a child (17 is still a child) and this was a grown man and he did not ask you. He raped you. And if you had said no it would most likely not have made any difference. I mean freezing up isn't exactly how someone communicates they want to have sex. It's the whole paralyzed by fear thing. And it probably had a lot to do with the attack when you were 14.
Trust issues are really common, and you may consider talking with a therapist. I literally just got this website from an elder member when I posted yesterday. It talks about PTSD and complex PTSD. I dont know if you have either, but you may want to look at it: Complex post traumatic stress disorder (complex ptsd, pdsd, shell shock, nervous shock, combat fatigue), symptoms and the difference between mental illness and psychiatric injury explained
Feel free to message me if you want to talk.

Thank you so much for responding. This makes a lot more sense to me now. I do have a therapist, but am going to have to take a break from seeing her for awhile after today (I can no longer afford the co-pay of $40 per session)....so I guess working on this will have to wait.

Thanks again.

[Silent_Tears_17]

No problem. Often times there are organizations that do free counseling for sexual assault victims. This site has free online IM counseling - https://www.rainn.org/ as well as other resources. But I completely understand the copay issue. Your counselor may also be able to refer you to resources available for you while you are not able to see him/her.