[ocdbee]

I know it isn't normal for a person to feel this way, especially a young woman in her 20s who is going to school, is working, and who is in a relationship with someone who loves and cares about her. In the broad spectrum of things, I should be happy, but I am not. I had a couple of things happen recently that could have triggered these feelings: I lost 2 of my nanny jobs this week. I quit one of them, because I was being abused by one of the children and received no support from the parents, and one job let me go because they no longer needed my services. I feel inadequate because I am not bringing in as much money, and I am stressed about being able to afford things and having to struggle. Another thing that happened recently was that I had to deal with the stress of having to take time off of school to get my laptop repaired (my school is all online). I had to take a whole week off of school and wait for the tech place to repair my computer. After a week and 200 dollars later, I return home with my laptop with high hopes and plans of being productive, and my computer was still broken and having the same symptoms. I went back and got a partial refund (it should have been a full refund) and bought a new laptop. Not even a week after having the new computer, and a couple of days after I got beat up and humiliated by a child and had to choose my sanity and safety over being financially stable, when I am house sitting for a family friend and had brought my laptop over, one of her cats barfed on top of my brand new laptop that I had left on a counter. Now my new computer isn't acting the same way, and it could be damaged. I am a survivor of abuse and abandonment and I don't have the best coping skills, so stress eats me alive. It consumes me. I'll usually react out of anger and be snappy with my boyfriend, cry, get anxious, or get depressed because I feel stuck. These feelings prevent me from getting my school work done, working out, and usually causes me to want to take time off of work, but I haven't done this since June. Today, I woke up not wanting to deal with any of my problems. I woke up feeling fatigued and sad. I crawled back into bed and slept for three more hours. I woke up, forced myself to shower and put some eyeliner on, I forced myself to eat - I was not hungry at all - and I forced myself to do some chores. I have spent most of my day cleaning, and it is not working to make me feel better or make me feel less anxious. Homework is out of the question because of my laptop and because I cannot focus when I have these feelings. I am alone at my apartment with my two kittens, and my boyfriend is at work. Lately, he hasn't been so understanding. He complains that he is around nice happy people all day at his grocery store, and he has to come home to miserable little me. It hurts that he doesn't understand and he is less compassionate. I have been through hell. My mom lost custody of me and my dad didn't want me so I was in foster care for 8 years and had to hide it from all my friends because I was embarrassed. He doesn't even know because I am still ashamed of it. All he knows about is the abuse I endured from my mom and my high school sweetheart who both beat me, and that I was raped by him after I moved hundred of miles away to get away from him and my past to start a new life and he found me. I am a bundle of stress and anxiety. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and OCD/BDD and I possess traits of a person with borderline personality disorder. I am unhappy. I fear that my partner will leave me some day or stop loving me because of my baggage and because of my looks. People consider me to be an attractive woman, but I don't see it. They say that I have a great figure and a gorgeous face, and I am a natural beauty, but I think that they are messing with me. I always try to fix myself. I used to overdye my hair. I would change colors all the time, or cut it all the time to help me feel better about myself. Now my hair is damaged, and I am having trouble growing it out to its long length that it was and that I desire now, so this is really ruining my self confidence. I'll also diet a lot and would exercise a lot- I haven't done this lately due to my fatigue - to get rid of my round cheeks and create a higher cheekbone. I fool around with makeup, but my boyfriend doesn't like me putting powders, blushes and bronzers on my face, so I don't anymore. A few months ago, I would spend hours online looking at ways to fix my appearance and would even look into plastic surgery. If I were to have it my way without having to worry about my partner, I would get a forehead reduction, make my top lip bigger, veneer all my teeth, get a higher cheekbone, make my breasts bigger, get laser surgery to make my eyes blue, and get hair extensions. If I could look like anyone, I'd look like Angelina Jolie. I have high expectations of myself that nobody understands. I feel like my boyfriend and his demand that I not change myself is getting in my way of my happiness. I secretly believe that he is stifling me so I do not improve myself and then leave him... I have a constant fear of my cats dying from a fire because of me going to work and leaving the stove on or my cats running away because I didn't lock the door correctly. All in all, I am just unhappy. I am no longer being abused verbally and physically by people and my career will be starting soon, so why am I at my unhappiest now?

Hello ocdbee: Wow... that's allot to take in! First of all, I would say, given what you've been through (both recently & long term) you're holding up pretty darn well! This is, it seems to me, something to celebrate!

Second, you know, there are various types of depression. And, although I can't say I've read this anywhere, I don't believe there is any reason to think a person can't have more than one at a time. Thus, a person could have a depression of long standing (months, years). This might be the result of both genetics & life experiences. But then a person could also experience a short-term depressive episode which is due to some recent difficulty (such as having a cat barf on your brand new school computer!) The two together are what we sometimes refer to as a "double-whammy"!

The third thing I wanted to touch on was your relationship with your boyfriend. Men, especially younger men I think, can be unfeeling & possessive. They don't understand what you're going through & they don't really care. Sometimes they may lack the capacity to care. They also often don't want anything to change. Of course, not every male you come into contact with is going to be this way. But from my perspective, there are plenty of those types out there. And, from what you wrote, it sounds as though your bf may be one of them.

It seems to me, with all you've been through, in your young life, & the concerns you have regarding your bf & your future, you really need to get into some kind of therapy services, assuming you don't already have them. You're carrying around a whole lot of baggage from all of the junk you had to deal with growing up, plus the chains your bf appears to be trying to lock you in. Then add to this the problems you've had recently with your jobs & your computers & the effect this is having on your school work... it's a wonder you're still standing up, if you ask me...

The other thing that comes to mind is if you happen to live in a location where there might be some kind of women's advocacy program available. If there is, & if you could connect with it, this might provide you with some opportunities to participate in some women's support groups, counseling services & / or mentoring opportunities. Having the opportunity to spend time with other strong women could be strengthening for you.

The mental picture I draw of you is one of this strong young woman who is dragging this big sack of rocks along behind her (your past), while she's being pummeled with hailstones (recent struggles.) Her bf is ambling along beside her (or maybe he's riding along on his motorcycle, or riding in his golf cart.) And all the while he's telling her not to change anything, just smile more! Somehow you have to find a way to reconcile your past, & figure what to do with regard to your bf & your future. You need to deal with the problems you have regarding your current work situation, your income, & your computer too. But these, by themselves, are temporary problems. It's only because of all of the other stuff, that these temporary problems seem so overwhelming. I hope that makes some sense. My best wishes to you...