[lone_77]

Lately I've been doing a lot of work in therapy on csa and another trauma, both of which have nothing to do with my dad. But the other night, when I was about to fall asleep, suddenly I had the feeling and the thought of my dad kissing me. I could tell exactly how it felt, how his face felt, his lips, how he smelled, how it tasted, what his breath sounded like, what he looked like. But it didn't feel like a repressed memory that I had just forgotten, because I've experienced those. It felt real. It still feels real, like when I close my eyes I can feel it happening right then and there. There's no context, no background, nothing. Just the feeling of him kissing me on the mouth. I try and bring the thought back up, I have all of the sensory aspects of it. It feels just like reliving scenes from my other traumas. I shiver and feel like convulsing and covering my face every time I think of it, because it disgusts me. But I don't know if it's a memory, or a manifestation, and I'm not sure if I should trust it. He's only ever been emotionally damaging. I can't remember any time at all when we were in an inappropriate situation together, and he doesn't come off as creepy or anything. However, I hate it whenever he touches me or comes near me, and I've never known why. It makes me feel gross and I want to spit. But I'm so confused. I don't have any specific memories, or any memories of him at all really, besides this intense feeling. I don't want it to be real because it doesn't make sense, but it feels so real. Any advice would be helpful...

[geis]

It sounds like a flashback to me, but I'm not an expert in your experience. For me, flashbacks tend to be much more sensory that memories--basically, memories are like watching a movie from a distance, and flashbacks are more like reliving it.

No one here can tell you exactly what happened--I know I wish people could tell me for sure what I remember is real, but it has to come from inside of you. It sucks because it would be easier if someone could tell me exactly what happened to me, but I've had to come to terms with the fact that I may never remember everything, and I'll never know how factual some of my memories are. But I've mostly been able to accept that, and it has gotten easier over time.

[ThisWayOut]

As geis said, no one here can tell you if it's real... I'm sorry you are experiencing it. I had similar stuff come up recently, and I have no way to confirm it either. It's disturbing not knowing, and it would be disturbing knowing too (at least for me). If it's real, it changes everything I "know" about growing up. If it's not real, then why am I coming up with such disturbing things?
I dunno. I hope you can at least find peace with it, and that you can stop experiencing it.