[Secretum]

I've been more angry than usual at my parents lately. I just feel deeply that they don't truly care about me, though they say that they do.

When I was a child, I got yelled at a lot. I tried very hard to be the perfect kid, but due to my ADD I'd inevitably forget my homework or miss the bus sometimes, which would lead to severe disappointment from my mom. When I made her mad, I'd tell her I was sorry and she'd say "sorry doesn't cut it". Once when I was crying because of how her yelling was making me feel, she told me to "stop that balling".

When I got older, she yelled at me less, but my parents were still invalidating. When I was 11, I first started having psychiatric symptoms. While I don't have OCD now, that is what it looked like back then. I washed my hands 30x per day, until they bled. I thought that evil spirits in the basement had kidnapped my dad and if I didn't fold the towels a certain way they would hurt him. When I was 12, I had my first psychotic break. I was very ill, but they didn't even notice, let alone get me help.

When I was 16, the depression got to a point where I wanted to see a therapist. It took all my courage to ask them to take me, and even then they thought that I should talk to the pastor of our church instead. When I finally convinced them to let me see a therapist, I had no say in which one I went to see. They went with this therapist recommended by my pediatrician, who was not a very good fit for me. After 3 sessions, they started complaining about the cost and the stress from having to drive me over there once a week (I didn't get my license until I was 18). I knew that I needed help, but to please them I agreed to stop seeing the therapist.

When I was 17, I wanted to participate in a summer program for teens interested in science at a good university near where we live. My parents told me that they couldn't afford it. I know how much they make; assuming a tax rate of 40%, they still take home well over $100,000 per year. They could afford a $3,000 science program that would make their daughter happy.

This persisted when I was applying to colleges. I was accepted to my first choice college, but my parents again refused to pay for it, claiming they couldn't afford it. They never even bothered asking me why I wanted to go to this school so badly. They just invalidated my feelings about it by telling me that "I could get a good education anywhere". Yeah, maybe...but my college experience would have been different at a prestigious university, I probably would have made more friends, and I'd have the pride of having gone to that university for the rest of my life. Not to mention the fact that I had worked very hard throughout high school for the privilege of being able to go to a top-notch university.

My parents don't accept my sexuality. It took me until I was 21 to even come out to them. I'm 23 now, and I still feel this animosity from them towards me over it. They use their religion as an excuse to not accept me. My mom claimed that after I came out, she read about alternative interpretations to the bible verses that supposedly condemn homosexuality and that she couldn't accept any of them. She must have not been trying very hard, because there are a lot of reasons to question what those verses are actually saying (believe me, as a bi Christian who has done a lot of research).

It is hard for me to even ask this question, because my parents have always been very resistant to criticism. When I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 19 (after making the effort to see a psychiatrist myself), the only thing they cared about was making sure that I didn't blame them for it. Forget about how I was feeling...

I am just very angry, and I want to know if it is justified. Most of the time, I am able to forget about everything I just wrote. From the outside, we look like the happiest family on earth; maybe we actually are.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Secretum, I'd say that we're talking emotionally abuse and more than........with them not supporting you in getting the help you needed with the psychiatric symptoms, sorry

The T, summer programme, paying for the college.........well as "good" parents I would have hoped that if they weren't going to follow through at least they could have worked with you to find and support you with alternatives you were comfortable/happy with. Still.............

But back to............yes I can understand the anger, it sounds very invalidating and you're right.........abusive. Then while you have a right to be angry with them it sounds like it's even more damaging to you. And I'm not saying just try to stop being angry, sure let it out, absolutely!!!! Just try not to let it become a "part of you".
They clearly have problems, deficits as parents but you can move on to be more than just the effects of their problems/deficits. And hey, I can already so clearly see your strength of character in there!!! Really impressive!!!!
You knew you had problems.......you pushed them to get help with that, you looked for more with the summer programme.............you tried to get help to get there, you held onto the importance of your education...........you tried for better, and you managed your MI's with very little support from your parents!!!!!! Go you!!!!!!
Now you seriously do not have to let them hold you back any more than what might be completely unavoidable. You have risen so far above it all already, hold onto that strength!!!!
Notice I didn't mention the "coming out" in there . Deserving of a rant of it's own, hey?? No matter what religion.........any religion that teaches hate, contempt or intolerance in that respect I would hope any "decent" person would walk (run!!) away from. Then maybe it's more down to different interpretations of the religion and the people themselves than the religion sometimes. So no excuse, right??!!! And well done you on standing up and being yourself, especially with parents like that!!!! Please never let your parents views of you, see yourself as anything less than............!!!

So.........I am really sorry you didn't have the supportive parents you should have
Just try not to let them "drag you down" any more than.............while at the same time you do deserve to acknowledge and work on/with/through the effects of.............and for that we're here for you.



Alison

[Secretum]

Alison, thank you so much. Your post was so warm and validating, and I really needed to hear it.

[Secretum]

After a day to think about it, I think I was just being dramatic. I was very angry yesterday. My parents aren't perfect, but I know they love me and they have done a lot for me. They've done a lot that hurt me, but I've had a pretty good life with them. They're really not abusive. Thanks everyone for listening to me rant!

[nicoleflynn]

All of your feelings are valid. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply...are.
Remember, people are what they DO...NOT what they say. From what you have written they don't accept you for who you are. That is very painful.

You are 23; are you working, in school? Living your own life? It sounds to me as if getting some counseling wouod help.

I suggest you read "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud
and
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Knowledge is power