[mtd]

I need to admit today that I feel very alone and I really miss being with people. Being alone feels safe and stable and manageable, which is why I have spent so much of my life alone since I was 7 and victimized. But I don't want to be alone any more. I want to hold and be held. I don't want to go to sleep alone for the rest of my life. I want to be in love for real. But I also know when I've tried to get close to another, it hurts and I get afraid and I pull away. It killed the only relationships I ever got anywhere with. To want so badly for touch, but to be so afraid of it at the same time ... this is probably the cruelest thing the abusers left with me. It's been 30 years. I hate them. I really hate them. They didn't spend a day in prison and I feel like I've served 30 years imprisoned in my fear. I haven't touched anyone in almost 4 years. I tried going on a date, but I couldn't even hold hands. This sucks.

mtd

((( mtd))) cyber hugs for you!

Being alone is safe, but lonely. It's too safe. And too lonely.

You deserve to be held and loved.

I hope you are getting help with this so you can enjoy find and enjoy a close relationship.

((mtd))That is such a big step forward to be open to teh possibilty of allowing someone else in!

[Soidhonia]

Hello.I am very sorry you are lonely. It is very hard to feel safe enough to let someone else in at times. I hope things can change for you soon and your therapist can help you work through some of your trust issues. There are support groups NAMI and DBSA are a few and it will not be exactly the same but it could help fill the void somewhat when you are around others that understand. Some NAMI groups go out to eat and socialize after the meeting and it is a nice time. Also maybe joining a singles group may be something you may be interested in as well. Take care soidhonia

[Talulah]

((((((((((((((((((((((mtd)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Benjamin]

I feel for you, mtd. Perhaps you could go to a therapist and get some kind of exposure therapy where you could practice holding hands or something. I don't know. It's hard to find people you can trust, including therapists. I was emotionally abused as a child and the worst thing it did to me was make me feel like I wasn't worthy of anyone's love. That's been the most difficult thing for me to get over. I tend to keep people at a distance. Like the old Simon and Garfunkel song:

I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.

[biiv]

i know what loneliness feels like mtd. im so sorry you do too. the only thing is i think so many people on this board know what it feels like that maybe being alone together is a little bit better.
i hope you can work through your defences with a T.
good luck to you
biiv