[Jordy]

I've recently watched a movie in which a teen had a relationship with a teacher and her parents intervened. This reminded me of my own past, and I started thinking about a relationship I had:

I was 18 when I started seeing one of the caretakers (he was 35) outside school. This went on for about 6 months, where we got along great even though I knew he was an alcoholic and a drug user. Then one night when we were both high and drunk we slept together... I remember not wanting it at first, but not being able to say no, but came to enjoy it.

We were a couple for a little over a year even though we had to hide our relationship from everyone... though my parents let him spent the week-ends at our house, sleeping in my room...

He was never abusive towards me, but I was still scared of him when he got in a really bad mood and became verbally abusive towards other people. I stopped seeing him the day he got mad at me because he had misunderstood what I meant.

I've never told T about this guy because I didn't think it was important, but now I wonder whether she should know and whether my parents should have stepped in at that time...

what do you think?

[mommaxo]

I think that you chose to be in that relationships regardless of his age. You are legal age (In canada anyways) to consent to sex, and have sexual relationships with people much older than you. So why would your parents step in? You were an adult ?
However sometimes older men go for younger woman because they are more vunerable (they use them, usually for sex) Some people generally think love is love regardless of age. If you felt scared of him, because he was aggressive towards you then yeah thats abusive. I guess it it depends if he had the intention of scaring you or not. Maybe you felt scared of him because he was bigger than you ? older than you ? Maybe he used you, or took advantage of you when you were drunk, but I don't think that would be considered rape. Not to the law anyways. I struggled with the same thing. I had sex with someone much older than I was. I felt pressured. I felt like it was wrong. I stated earlier before he started touching me that I wasn't down for fooling around or anything when he started getting closer to me. But after a few drinks, I became numb to it all, and didn't say much. I regretted it. He never raped me. He used me, and I felt angry. There's a difference between the two. and there's a very fine line, and you wouldn't want to falsely accuse someone of rape. trust me. I would speak to a professional about it.

[Jordy]

I would never accuse him of raping me, on the contrary apart from that first time he always made sure I was willing, even sometimes stopped when I realized I wasn't in the mood but trying to please him. And on that first time, I think deep inside I wanted it too, but I was very scared...

But looking I wonder whether I would have gone out with him if hadn't been through years of abuse before. I feel like I turned to him, because I didn't want to live anyway so nothing mattered and that I sold myself short and in that way this relationship may have been unhealthy for me...

I haven't been able to date anyone since then and wonder if this relationship is part of the problem or not.

[nicoleflynn]

I cannot believe your parents let him sleep in your room?!

Feeling/being trapped in a relationship is tough, even if it's not abusive.

[Open Eyes]

I think it is important to discuss this with your T. You have said a lot in this thread and all of what you said is important.

You have a challenged past as you were a victim, that made you reach out and accept the wrong kind of person. It is important you work through all the aspects that led to that so in the future you don't turn to another person who might mistreat you. Your goal is to make gains now on understanding whatever your history has led to your possible low self esteem. CBT is also very helpful with this challenge.