[Ree1965]

Hello.

I'm terrified to be here, doing this. There are a lot of judgemental people and adult bullies online, and I'm pretty scared that I'm going to be bashed for some reason, and I already feel badly enough about myself.

So for anyone that for some reason wants to say horrible negative things to me, I'm asking that you please try not to. I mean no harm being here. I just feel desperate for just someone to tell me I'm not wrong in saying this ...

I think I am being emotionally abused in my marriage. I think my husband is either a sociopath or has a very serious personality/character disorder. He has me starting to think I am crazy ... but I know he's wrong - I'm a very sane, reasonable woman. and I can't figure out why he wants me to think otherwise??? I'm left with a confusion that is making me question myself.

My situation is very unique. I live in a rural area, quite a distance from neighboring towns, and I do not have a vehicle to get around in. Taxis into town are very expensive and we are not wealthy. I can get into town once a week with my husband. Other than that ... I am alone all the time, in a little house, in the middle of nowhere. The only person I ever speak to is my husband. I have a sister in town that I email sometimes, and a friend in another country that I email quite bit. I have two dogs, one of which is very important to me. I love them both dearly and they help me cope.

I actually don't mind being so isolated ... if I didn't feel so beaten down and crushed by the abuse. I went to a PsycheCentral page "Signs of Emotional Abuse" and answered a VERY strong YES!!! to 23 out of the 27 questions (the Codependance doesn't apply to my situation). I've read many articles on sociopathic behavior and my husband fits everything to a T, except for the lying (at least I don't think he lies).

He is very condescending, patronizing, belittling. He will tell me I am "out of control" if I say even one word to tell him he has hurt my feelings. He insults me. Many times when he says something very cruel to me, he sais "I'm just trying to be funny", but it's not funny at all! I never can do anything right, even when I follow his instructions perfectly. All of my ideas are sub-par and he always has a better way. If I say that the sky is blue ... he would -- I kid you not -- say "No, the sky is blue." It makes me shake my head sometimes in complete disbelief. Why???? He makes me feel ugly and says negative things about the way I look. He acts as if he is a father a lot of the time, looking down his nose at me.

He wasn't like this when I met him and was very charming all through our dating (we are both middle aged and previously married). He only started all of this about a month after we married. It started by him forcing himself on me even though it was a very bad time and I begged him not to - I was worried that my breath might be a bit off because I hadn't eaten all day and sometimes that happens. He said "you're my wife!!!!" and forced and forced, taking physical control of me and sticking his nose at my mouth. He then said "Yeah, you smell like a sewer." I was crushed. He just walked away. WHY????

When I got my hair cut, he said "I like your hair!" I thought that was nice and felt so good that he actually complimented me. He then said "It's better than that mop you used to have"

If I make a joke, he rewords it right after me - one upping me - always.

And he will also ignore me completely. I can speak right to him and he won't even look at me and won't even hear me.

He has frightened me with "in my face, teeth gritted" rage, for no reason at all - but hasn't actually hit me. But I do fear that someday he will. He is very rough with me when he shows affection. He has caused me welts and bruises. He also yanked my head back by my hair so hard once that I thought he had broken my neck ... but it was an accident. But he is so rough. I ask him to be a little more careful and he just laughs and says "I'm just showing my affection. I'm just showing my enthusiasm"

After five years of marriage, I know that not only do I not like him anymore, I don't love him either. I know that I need to get out of this relationship .... problem is, I have nowhere to go, no money, no vehicle and not a friend in the world. My sister is on disability and lives in a tiny one room apartment with her cat and she wouldn't have me anyway because unfortunately, she is an alcoholic that thinks I don't know she is drinking and doesn't want me to know. And I have my little dog that I absolutely refuse to leave behind - leaving her is not an option for me. I would rather suffer than leave her.

I am working full time on looking for an on line job - some way to make a bit of money for myself so that I can at least finance a vehicle for myself. That is my first priority. And then to be able to save up some money secretly, make a plan, so that one day I can just up and leave.

So why am I here? Just hoping for a friendly person or two that might have a few coping techniques I can try in the meantime. And I guess just in hopes that there are some ladies out there that can tell me he is wrong - I'm not ugly, useless, stupid, and worthless.

Sigh. I hope I'm not a sitting duck here that is about to he pummelled with "why are you still there?" "Are you stupid?" and "maybe he's right"

[geis]

You're not stupid, and it's not your fault. I don't think anyone here would blame you.

Have you tried contacting a domestic violence hotline or shelter? Even if you're not able to leave him yet, they may be able to help in other ways. I wish I had more ideas to offer, but I've never been in your exact circumstances. But I do know that it's not your fault, and you don't deserve to be treated that way. You shouldn't have to live like that.

[nicoleflynn]

I stayed in a verbally and physically abusive "marriage" for 31 years. It wasn't until I found the book that saved my life, that I was able to begin the journey (took 5 years) to leaving. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

One thing to remember: Abuse is a CHOICE....always a choice. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and will do and say anything to control you.

What he is doing is called "gaslighting" you can look up that term; it is called crazy making behavior designed to keep you confused; it is literally brainwashing.

Call a domestic violence hotline; they can give you resources. There are so many resources out there now. One thing that worked for me (I fought the x all those years, thinking/hoping that he would "get" what he was doing and stop it)

Finally I got it. He didn't care what I thought or said. So, I STOPPED any kind of conversation, other than necessary ones (you can decide what those are).

He isn't going to change (unless by some miracle he thought he was an abuser and wanted to stop), and it sounds as if you are taking small steps to freedom.

No one in this group would ever.......abuse you. Stay in touch. I am a moderator of an abused survivors' group if you ever want to talk: carleton@oakland.edu

He is dangerous ; one in 3 women will be physically assaulted in their lifetime and it begins with verbal abuse.

As for coping techniques; maybe keep a journal (hidden) ...stay away from him as much as posssible; contact the National Domestic Violence hotline: 800-799-7233 ; call a social worker at a hospital; keep your hope up....we will be here. There are many wonderful people here, willing to listen and help. Hugs and Love ,Nicole

P.S. Make sure and call the hotline when he isn't around; and if you read any material; make sure he doesn't know; that will make him very angry.

[Quarter life]

Hey Ree1965.

There are lots of good listeners here at Psych Central....we're a pretty good bunch

I have been an active member of this site for around 11 months. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. For those that feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......this is the place. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums is a welcome distraction... a great way to have some well needed fun, and meet like minded others.

Be kind to yourself Ree1965, and welcome to P.C.

[Ree1965]

Thank you all for the warm welcome here.

Nicole, thank you so so much for the advice and information. I can't get the book you mentioned (he will know if I order it, and I can only get into town WITH him and he sees everything I put in the cart) but I will research it and see if I can find similar articles on what she has written.
I was also surprised to see you suggest I keep a journal. I've actually been keeping one online for a little over a year now. I started one four years ago on him but felt it was unfair to him and deleted it. But because things have never improved and even gotten worse, I felt that he didn't deserve fair anymore (he obviously doesn't think I deserve fair after all) and started a new one. It is basically just a record or things he does and says so that I have it if I need it for when I leave and/or for a lawyer .

I do have one question though - if anyone knows. In regards to sociopathic behavior. Why are they like that?? I read it was genetic in some articles, and as a result of environmental factors in others, and some say a combinations of both. Actually, his mother is 20x worse than him ... she's absolutely horrible!! But I don't get what the pay off is for people like this. It may work for them short term to get what they want, but they destroy and lose everyone in their lives eventually. Do they not "get that"? And to not feel any emotion, and not be able to feel empathy ... do they not realize that something is very wrong with them?? They seem able to mimic others experiencing emotion ... don't they want to ACTUALLY experience it?
And trying to drive someone crazy seems so unbelievably malicious and cruel ... I can't imagine doing that to someone. It is beyond unreasonable.

But as for calling a shelter or a hotline, I'm afraid to because I know they will tell me to leave, and I my reality is that I just can't right now. I know no one will understand this, my little dog is my everything. She is basically my little child and I love her that much - and like most women would never leave their child, I refuse to leave mine. If she can't come with me, then I stay put until she can.
I know THAT might cause a lot of negative comments.
My little dog loves her home and her wonderful yard. She gets wonderful food and any and all her vet costs taken care of (she is special needs). And she actually loves him. (and he seems to love her - which confuses me - I thought they don't "love" but he seems to really care deeply for her)

That is not to say that when I AM financially able to leave, and have a secure plan and place to go that will suit her needs, I will absolutely leave. But until then, I must stay here. And to stay here, I must keep the peace. And unfortunately, that means letting him say and do whatever he wants and not make waves.

But thank you all for your kindness.

(Nicole, we are neighbors - I'm actually in Essex Ontario - small world)

[Ree1965]

Nicole - If I can address you again

I've been reading everything on Patricia Evans Verbal Abuse website and everything she says describing the abuser and how it affects the abused is hitting it right on the head. It is my life right there, described perfectly. For years I thought MAYBE I was being abused, but mostly felt like he was right... "I was too sensitive" and I was to blame. But I see it now all really clearly and it's true ... I am actually being abused!! I'm panicking now...
It's leaving me feeling more frightened that I ever had been and I'm scared that I won't be able to hide my fear from him. And if he sees me as nervous or different, he might ask what is wrong. I have a terrible time lying - always have. I'm a terrible liar. But I most definitely don't want to be honest because that will set him off and he will dump all kinds of crazy-making on me. I just can't take any more for a while - I'm still recovering from last weekend's accusations, blame and crazy-making.

In your experience, do you have any tips or tricks on how to relax, and how to win the academy award for pretending to be a chipper and wonderful wife?

[1D10T]

Your not judged here. I know of an abuser who is a sociopath, it is a very hard one to deal with w/o fear of retaliation. We are here to support all people who ask for an ear. Please keep in mind that my ADHD makes it hard for me to focus on lengthy threads but I will try! *hugs*

[*PeaceLily*]

It is abuse.

I can relate to so much of your situation. I was trapped living with my father in isolation, so it's different in that sense, but like all abuse, it actually is remarkably similar. I too tried to come up with 'coping techniques' because I saw no viable means of escape. I was so isolated and was unemployed so I was financially trapped too.

The thing you said about if you said the sky was blue, your partner would say it wasn't- I have used that precise same example to describe my father.

I actually got away to a refuge, and STILL ended up back in the abusive situation afterwards, due to having no money and knowing nobody.

The first step of abuse is charm offensive-this is when the abusor is super charming.Obviously in my case, the charm offensive wasnt necessary since he was my father, and so I was already living with him. However, it s what happened to my mother. the sole purpose of the charm offensive is to get the victim on side. Then they isolate the victim. They make sure that their voice is the only voice you hear. They prefer you not to have money or a job. They control your body- through sex, or when/what you can eat, or violence etc. and they control your mind by telling you you can't think for yourself.They need you to need them.

How much would a cab cost to take you into town/to a refuge?

xx

[vital]

OMG this thread is making me upset for you, dear Ree, and so grateful for the responses by NicoleFlynn and Peacelily and for the beauty of you taking this step.

Maybe you could arrange to visit your sister now and then and this would be a way of not being so isolated? I can only really add



- vital

[nicoleflynn]

[
This may sound strange, but I am GLAD you are afraid; You should be. When we are IN it, we don't see how dangerous it is. I suggest you call the hotline; they can help you (I don't think they tell y ou to leave, et); you can get some much needed advice and help from people who spend all day talking to women in your situation. Use ALL of the resources you can.
Remember that verbal abuse is literally brainwashing; that is why you feel so cononfused.
Forget being chipper, etc., just try to maintain "normal" whatever that is. Do NOT argue with him; just go along with what you can; let him be "right"--that is all they want...total control; in the meantime, plan, plot, get your duck s in a row; call the hotline; call a hospital social worker, etc.

I see we are neighbors; if you ever want to talk on the phone....Hugs and do the best you can. I totally understand.
quote=Ree1965;4097077]Nicole - If I can address you again

I've been reading everything on Patricia Evans Verbal Abuse website and everything she says describing the abuser and how it affects the abused is hitting it right on the head. It is my life right there, described perfectly. For years I thought MAYBE I was being abused, but mostly felt like he was right... "I was too sensitive" and I was to blame. But I see it now all really clearly and it's true ... I am actually being abused!! I'm panicking now...
It's leaving me feeling more frightened that I ever had been and I'm scared that I won't be able to hide my fear from him. And if he sees me as nervous or different, he might ask what is wrong. I have a terrible time lying - always have. I'm a terrible liar. But I most definitely don't want to be honest because that will set him off and he will dump all kinds of crazy-making on me. I just can't take any more for a while - I'm still recovering from last weekend's accusations, blame and crazy-making.

In your experience, do you have any tips or tricks on how to relax, and how to win the academy award for pretending to be a chipper and wonderful wife?[/quote]

[nicoleflynn]

Also look up cycle of violence wheel. Hugs

[nicoleflynn]

Your post disappeared,so just in case I don't see it again: you can e-mail me: carleton@oakland.edu

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Ree1965

Thank you all for the warm welcome here.

Nicole, thank you so so much for the advice and information. I can't get the book you mentioned (he will know if I order it, and I can only get into town WITH him and he sees everything I put in the cart) but I will research it and see if I can find similar articles on what she has written.
I was also surprised to see you suggest I keep a journal. I've actually been keeping one online for a little over a year now. I started one four years ago on him but felt it was unfair to him and deleted it. But because things have never improved and even gotten worse, I felt that he didn't deserve fair anymore (he obviously doesn't think I deserve fair after all) and started a new one. It is basically just a record or things he does and says so that I have it if I need it for when I leave and/or for a lawyer .

I do have one question though - if anyone knows. In regards to sociopathic behavior. Why are they like that?? I read it was genetic in some articles, and as a result of environmental factors in others, and some say a combinations of both. Actually, his mother is 20x worse than him ... she's absolutely horrible!! But I don't get what the pay off is for people like this. It may work for them short term to get what they want, but they destroy and lose everyone in their lives eventually. Do they not "get that"? And to not feel any emotion, and not be able to feel empathy ... do they not realize that something is very wrong with them?? They seem able to mimic others experiencing emotion ... don't they want to ACTUALLY experience it?
And trying to drive someone crazy seems so unbelievably malicious and cruel ... I can't imagine doing that to someone. It is beyond unreasonable.

But as for calling a shelter or a hotline, I'm afraid to because I know they will tell me to leave, and I my reality is that I just can't right now. I know no one will understand this, my little dog is my everything. She is basically my little child and I love her that much - and like most women would never leave their child, I refuse to leave mine. If she can't come with me, then I stay put until she can.
I know THAT might cause a lot of negative comments.
My little dog loves her home and her wonderful yard. She gets wonderful food and any and all her vet costs taken care of (she is special needs). And she actually loves him. (and he seems to love her - which confuses me - I thought they don't "love" but he seems to really care deeply for her)

That is not to say that when I AM financially able to leave, and have a secure plan and place to go that will suit her needs, I will absolutely leave. But until then, I must stay here. And to stay here, I must keep the peace. And unfortunately, that means letting him say and do whatever he wants and not make waves.

But thank you all for your kindness.

(Nicole, we are neighbors - I'm actually in Essex Ontario - small world)

I see you are in Canada...I hope this information helps you...you can take your pets with you to some shelters...or they will help you board them....

This link from the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

Looking for a safe haven for you and your pet? Click on the map below for the Safe Havens Mapping Project, to find a shelter that allows you to bring pets. If there’s no listing for your area, call a local animal shelter and ask about temporary assistance for pets in domestic violence situations.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Pets and DV

[Ree1965]

Thank you everyone so much for your warmth, kindness and advise. I have been researching everything, learning a lot, and although I am more frightened than I had been, I understand what is going on now. I never wanted it to be true, but it is, and I have to accept that.

I will definitely take everyone's advise. My little girl (my sweet dog) and I will take care of each other.

HUGZ to you all.

[precaryous]

I chatted with The U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline web site and they say there are resources in Canada. They gave me this link. If you need more help, please contact the U.S. natl domestic violence hotline again. I'm sure they can help you.

"You're welcome. Here is a resource that is searchable by location and it has hotline phone numbers and organizations that can help Canada: map to domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International

[cryingontheinside]

[mimsies]

I found another link to a website you may find helpful:

http://www.bwss.org/

I hope you are doing OK and staying safe.

[Tommo]

I managed to get past a very similar situation...but I'm a guy. My wife was going through an alcohol dependency and I was left to take care of our very young children...and her. She was a horrid person on alcohol...and many times I thought of just going far away. She was smart enough to use the predisposition for courts to leave minor children with the female...so I had to stay. In hindsight, I see that she was able to balance everything so she could continue to have someone around to take care of her...

It took five years of drinking...and a lot of patience...but she's been dry for about 15 years, now. Things have been pretty good, but now it's me with very bad reflections on how I was treated. You can turn the page...but the page is still in the book....

Mixed feelings about that.......