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#1
Mar 17, 2007, 10:52 AM
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Everything is going down the tube...I have been flipping out due to all this crap going on in last few days...it will happen...like one day i feel like there are people inside me...and even react in that way...and then the last few months i guess you could call it memories are coming back up...i flipped out on my boyfriend and had to ask him to keep his distance..i felt so dirty and disgusted at myself...i felt so vunerable...ok i need to stop talking about that..anyway..then it will go away for a day or two..am i feeling these things because i want attention...maybe i really am ok and its nothing...but why would have these feelings and thoughts and actions...in fact there are times where i suck my thumb and i start bawling and i cant sleep without sleep aides...im so lost..i dont know if im faking it...if i am i guess i do need mental attention cuz why would i fake this i must be pretty messed up...or im not faking this...omg i cant believe myself anymore..and i found a lump on chest and i might be kicked out and i might have to go live with my dad...the one who is in all the memories and bad stuff anyway. this is bad..why am i like this...why is my body faking this bad stuff if its not true...why i dont want attention...i dont know what i want anymore....i do want this to go away...meh
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"You look at me, and you dont like what you see. But this is the price of living with you, Mother. " - White Oleander |
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#2
Mar 17, 2007, 11:03 AM
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((inny))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
hold on inny bad days come and bad days go and yes they come back again but you are so strong i know you can survive this i dont know what it is you are going through but given its causing so much distress it cant be something you made up for attention you may have faced a trigger that set this off or it could be the added stress you are dealing with right now of the lump and moving out... keep strong inny 
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#3
Mar 17, 2007, 11:10 AM
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Memories are coming up because they need "out", Hon. You're not faking it! My abuse happened 60 yrs ago and a couple of weeks ago, I was flooded with memories and flashbacks. The body memory is AWFUL!! It tends to make you feel guilty for having it.
 You DO feel vulnerable, you DO need attention, but the right kind. Please know that it wasn't your fault. It was the perpetrator's fault! You are NOT dirty, the perpetrator is.You DO need the attention of a therapist because they know more how to help you. You can talk to us here, let it out, but the drawback with that is that we're not there with you to help you through one of these "rants." The rant is perfectly normal. Nothing to be ashamed about. We've all gone through it. Take some deep, relaxing breaths and know that you are safe now. Stay in the NOW... then ask for help in 3D. You also need someone in 3D that knows what they're doing to help you get through this. My heart goes out to you. I've been where you are.
__________________
Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
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#4
Mar 17, 2007, 11:23 AM
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(((((((((((((inny)))))))))))))))
love you sooooooo much. you will get through this, keep writing honey, your writing is amazing big hugs, jinnyann xoxoxoxox |
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