[Ree1965]

Hello - and I hope everyone is having quiet and peaceful day.

I'm in an emotionally/mentally abusive marriage, but am holding my own. So far, things have levelled off and I don't think I'm in any danger.

I do have a question about controlling behavior though - for anyone that may know.

I had decided several months ago to stop dying my hair and letting my white grow in. I was given full support for this by him. Yesterday I needed to inform him that I really wanted to go back to dying my hair. I had to tell him because if I don't and just buy a dye when we go out, it will start a scene out at the store that I don't want. (anyone that knows of my situation knows that I can't get out to any stores in town on my own - and only get out once a week WITH him).
He didn't get "mad" but he got strangely upset. "I thought you were going to embrace your age" he said. And I tried to tell him I felt really bad about myself and felt ugly. He didn't seem to want to let it go, like I was doing something wrong to him. I asked if it was about the money and he said no - it was that "I thought we agreed to embrace our age together..."

It was so strange.

Does anyone have any idea why me going back to dying my hair would cause him to get so upset? I'm 49 and having 3 inches of white coming in makes me feel so horrible about myself - I'm just not ready to let it come in. Why does he want me to be old????? It's not like I am going out - I never go out - no one ever sees me - so why should it matter? But it's how I feel about myself. Why doesn't he want me to try and feel at least a little bit better about myself??

No matter what he says - I'm dying my hair this weekend.

Hugz all.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Ree, with............"No matter what he says - I'm dying my hair this weekend"............GOOD ON YOU!!!!!! GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!

And as to why he disapproves............well I think you nailed it with he's controlling and abusive. So maybe he feels that you're challenging him by going against what "was agreed"/he'd allowed for..........maybe he feels you're wanting to/or going to be wanting make more decisions for/about yourself..........maybe he's not comfortable with the lack of "predictability" or spontaneity in what you want............maybe hes thinking you want to look good for others which may loosen his "hold over you"............maybe he thinks that you're going to be paying more attention to the "outside world" with paying attention to what people may think about you............maybe he thinks other people won't notice you as much if you aren't "trying to look good"...........maybe he wants to keep your self esteem down to "keep you in your place"..............
So as you can tell no good reason in my opinion, it's not as if he's saying you look "beautiful" as you are, he loves the way you look............or anything like that is he??
I mean by all means, question him a bit more and see if he comes out with anything like that.
But the controlling and abusive aspect really concerns me.
Do you want to talk instead about how you may be able to leave him????
The fact that you're holding your own and that you don't think you're in danger doesn't take away from the fact that you're still experiencing emotional and mental abuse, and you know that's not right, don't you?!! You know you deserve so much more don't you?!!
Here if you want to talk...............

Alison

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life, and I highly recommend it. I stayed for 31 years, and then found the courage to leave. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted and it all begins with verbal assault.

He sees you as an extension of himself (perhaps); abusers don't see others as separate.....and are excruciatingly insecure.

P.S. I am 68 and eternally blonde!!

[Ree1965]

Thank you both. (Hi Nicole, if you remember me from my first post here at PC a few weeks ago - I did look up that author and have learned so much from her.)
(Alison - thank you so much - I have something kindof funny - he has and does sometimes say that I am beautiful ... but it ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS comes out like this ... "you're my wife and you're beautiful". He likes to say that "you're my wife" - he uses it in fights, I compliments, and always before things like I love you)

It's true what you both say. It was such a strange reaction. And it seems so unreasonable. I wondered if it was because I have to rinse my hair into a container because we have a septic tank that we don't like to put chemicals in - and he used to carry the heavy container outside to pour it out ... but I stopped expecting him to do that and do it myself now ... so it couldn't be that. And the brand I use is the cheapest and I buy it on sale - it costs next to nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I just found it so weird.

Right now we are in the "honeymoon" phase of the cycle of abuse. He's been very sweet and in good spirits, but I can also see that it is almost exhausting for him to be nice like that and I can actually feel the tension building building. I expect any day now that I will utter a word that sets him off and I'll get to enjoy some of his "crazy making" power.

But thank you again. I find a lot of comfort and strength in knowing this community is here - a place where I can come and have a few rally around and tell me that NO I'M NOT CRAZY, and no, I DON'T DESERVE THIS.

[healingme4me]

I'm less concerned why his being baffled about you changing your mind about your hair, not like you are the first woman. Or man, for that matter, to not embrace gray hair. The market for hair color is there for a reason, supply/demand.
I'm more concerned with your lack of freedom of leaving the house.



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[thickntired]

I lost weight thinking it would please my abusive husband. When I bought a tasteful sexy nighty he was disgusted and told me to cover up.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by thickntired

I lost weight thinking it would please my abusive husband. When I bought a tasteful sexy nighty he was disgusted and told me to cover up.

I hope you realize it's not disgust with you, it's about him and possibly projection on his part.

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[thickntired]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I hope you realize it's not disgust with you, it's about him and possibly projection on his part.

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Yes, thank you. It took years to get that in my head. Divorce proceedings are in effect.

[thickntired]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life, and I highly recommend it. I stayed for 31 years, and then found the courage to leave. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted and it all begins with verbal assault.

He sees you as an extension of himself (perhaps); abusers don't see others as separate.....and are excruciatingly insecure.

P.S. I am 68 and eternally blonde!!

YES. Mine started with drunk verbal abuse, then constant emotional abuse, and the month of our 7 year anniversary physical abuse. He can rot for all I care.

[Ree1965]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm less concerned why his being baffled about you changing your mind about your hair, not like you are the first woman. Or man, for that matter, to not embrace gray hair. The market for hair color is there for a reason, supply/demand.
I'm more concerned with your lack of freedom of leaving the house.



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I am concerned about my inability to leave this house too, but my situation is what it is. I pretty much put myself in this situation and he has made me very aware of that, letting me know that it is my fault if I even utter a word about it not being able to even go shopping by myself. I don't say anything anymore. I don't tell him anything at all anymore. I am making my plan, stashing money away when I can, and I know in my heart that I will not spend the rest of my life here. As soon as I can I will leave.

So until then I keep the peace. I know many don't understand why I don't go to a shelter. Unfortunately no one can understand my situation better than I do, and there are circumstances that keep me from leaving. People might not understand that I have no vehicle and no money ... but more importantly, I absolutely absolutely absolutely refuse to leave my little dog or put her in a kennel or any other stressful situation. It's just the way I am. She is happy here, so until I can find a place where she can be AS happy, here is where we will stay. And separation from her isn't an option for me. She is my entire life and my everything.

Thank you all for caring.

BTW - I did my hair and I feel great about it. Screw him.

[healingme4me]

Say no more, pets are precious: hug:

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[thickntired]

Yes, I agree that pets are family and this has to be a decision you can live with.

[nicoleflynn]

I am glad you are making plans, and not saying much to him; that is what I did.

Remember abusers do not care what you think or say and LOVE to drag you into an argument that always goes......nowhere (because they always have to be right); once you know that secret you can stop any discussion of importance. xoxo