[radio_flyer]

.....A few threads here on peophiles and/or potential abusers and abuse got me thinking. Abused. Oooo how I hate that word. Victim another word I hate. But the sad thing is, I have been abused and I fall in the category of being a vitcim. I am a survivor. A badge I don't wear proudly. The scars are deep. The pain is numbed. I have shut down. I exist. I care and I don't care. I pray to God to take me home. I pray to God to let me live and heal.. But it seems the "void" engulfs me. I am stuck in the past and I fear the future.

Then the topic of peophiles and potential abusers surface. I start thinking. Why do I tend to find myself in abusive situations? You would think that by now I would be capable of "protecting" myself. What seems to keep me on the merry-go-round of abuse? And it hit me. The threads on peophiles. What do I think? What do I feel? OMG I can feel. I felt the pain and agony from one of the posts. Is it "his" pain I am feeling or is it my pain I am feeling? Transferrence maybe? I don't want "him" to hurt. I don't want to hurt. I want "him" to be ok. I want to be ok. I feel vulnerable. I scramble inside. I want to protect them and make them feel good and forget to "protect" myself. I am setting myself wide open. My adult thinking is cloudy and the hurt child within surfaces. Childish feelings of wanting everything to be ok not wanting anyone to hurt. I get bitten again and wonder why. Could this be the "pattern" with me that keeps me a victim? Interesting thought. Maybe I have found one notch on the stick of pain that makes sense and can learn from. And that I am not numb. that I can and do feel...

[sabby]

Oh ((((((((((Radio))))))))))

You've done some hardcore thinking here. You may have come up with a huge portion of what you need to face to feel better. I so hope that is the case. I want you to feel good, about yourself, about life, about what moves you and motivates you.

Of course you feel.....if not, you wouldn't be able to think about what triggers you and how you are affected by it.

*Gentle Hugs* to you!!
J

[Soidhonia]

Hello RF.
Being a victim of ANY abusive action is very confusing and hurtful and harmful in many areas of life. I sincerely hope that you try to keep your physical and mental health safe during this time, and talk to your therapist about how you are feeling at this time. Trying to figure out everything on your own is not necessary let the professionals help you at this time so you can feel less overwhelmed. I hope you feel better soon. Soidhonia

[mtd]

Yes, yes, yes -- me too. My feelings -- I need them, but I can't stand them. I so want the pain to go away. I want to stop seeing "them" in everyone else. I am afraid of my feelings. It is only when I let the grief really flow out, feeling the burning of the tears on my cheeks (no thanks for a tissue, I HAVE TO feel the tears to feel ALIVE!) -- that is when I am greatful to have feelings, greatful to have survived. Then I hug my children and know that the effort to survive and find wholeness is worth each little step in that direction, as hard as it is.

It took me about 20 years to cry -- to be so afraid even to cry for that long. The child I was and the child within today, deserved so much better.

Thank you for sharing, radio_flyer.

be well,

mtd

[radio_flyer]

Ty ((((((( sabau )))))) for the huggggs

Hi Soidhonia.. Therapy is a good thing for most people. But for me, therapy doesn't seem to work.. Yes, I know there are a lot of wonderful therapists. I just lost my "trust" in therapists due to many years spent in counseling with NOOOO results.. And I don't have the "emotional" strength to try it again. Working on my own seems to help..

Hi mtd... Me too... Took many years to cry. My friends could shed tears at the drop of a hat. Sincere tears too. I sometimes would be jealous they could cry and I couldn't. Then one day my own tears flowed. It was actually cleansing. But it doesn't happen often...

I just wanted to add the folks here at PC are soo understanding and supportive. I am amazed how folks reach out to strangers and support and encourage them ...Thank you...... .

[froggie2]