[Olanza-what?]

I will try to make this as short as possible. I grew up with a very abusive parent. My father beat the crap out of my mother and us. We spent nights absolutely horrified. We have been beaten with cable cords, extension cords, tree branches, yes branches not switches. The sometimes bloody bruised would be seen by teachers, other relatives and friends, but nobody ever questioned it, so there was no stopping it. My father in a fit of rage which was usually fueled by drinking would come in at 2:am in the morning, find something wrong in the house like a spoon in the sink and loose it. He would start beating us in our sleep. To be awaken that way, omg, I shiver when I think about it.

I was a bed wetter and he would sit on the side of my bed, wait for me to wet it in my sleep then commence to beating the crap out of me. I loved my father and still do. I sometimes long to see him, especially when the world is against me. When he was sober he was a different person, he would give you the shirt off his back. That's not all of my story, my father tried to stab me with a butcher knife when I was 18, the only reason he didn't was because my oldest sister hit him in the head with skillet. I slapped him after he slapped my mother with a huge glass ashtray. My father was always slapping me at will, not my other siblings just me, and he would never say why. Imagine how that made me feel. I wanted to die and I tried to die. There was chaining of the cabinets and taking out things and giving them away because he said we didn't deserve them, I also grew up with mental and physical abuse from my siblings, they always jumped me and often tried flushing me down the toilet. I fought for my life....and I am still fighting for it.

Now fast forward, I am 51 years old and still live with those memories, still deal with the alienation from my mom and siblings and other family members. I am now dealing with mental issues I never knew existed. I had to make up make believe people just to survive my childhood. Sometimes they pop in my head when things get tough in my adulthood. I'm not ashamed to tell anyone now as I was then. I'm too old and too tired to give a hoot what others think. It's been a rough life, and I know somewhere someone has it worse than me, but this is all I know so this is the worst for me. I even married a person that is mentally abusive, he with holds his affection and attention. This is all I know.

Though I survived this abuse it has stolen the best of me.

[kaliope]

you did survive it. you just carry many scars. it is horrible what you went thru. i am so sorry. it sounds like we coped in many of the same ways. i feel like i have lost my entire life to the struggles of mental health issues stemming from my abuse. i finally had a major break down about eight years ago. i am finally putting life together and working to discover what happiness it but it is very challenging. i have very few relationship because i am so afraid of being hurt. i spent years with the wrong therapist who avoided dealing with my trauma. now i am finally working with a trauma therapist and my anxiety is greatly reduced. i hope that in a few years i will finally have it worked out. take care.

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by kaliope

you did survive it. you just carry many scars. it is horrible what you went thru. i am so sorry. it sounds like we coped in many of the same ways. i feel like i have lost my entire life to the struggles of mental health issues stemming from my abuse. i finally had a major break down about eight years ago. i am finally putting life together and working to discover what happiness it but it is very challenging. i have very few relationship because i am so afraid of being hurt. i spent years with the wrong therapist who avoided dealing with my trauma. now i am finally working with a trauma therapist and my anxiety is greatly reduced. i hope that in a few years i will finally have it worked out. take care.

I am happy for you. I hope you continue to have much success with your new therapist, who knows maybe this year i will be able to have a therapist. I had one year before last, but she jerked me around so badly that I ended up in psych ward for 17 days. I cant say that pysch central has been a success for me yet, still too soon, but i will say i have never put myself out there the way i have here. Just telling it, saying it, even writing it has proven to be theraputic for me. I got a long, long way to go, and Im not sure if will make it,or if i want to make it, but if find that i cant make it, i will leave with peace knowing I said and did something about it. Thank you for your response it was very helpful.

[RedSun]

Olanza, I hope this year really is the year that you find a therapist who is right for you, and who can hear all of these sad things that have happened to you. It's amazing that you have made it this far, and I hope you find beauty somewhere in the world to make it worth staying around. Xxxx

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Red75

Olanza, I hope this year really is the year that you find a therapist who is right for you, and who can hear all of these sad things that have happened to you. It's amazing that you have made it this far, and I hope you find beauty somewhere in the world to make it worth staying around. Xxxx

thank you,
I never realized how messed up I was, until I ended up in the mental ward 3 times in a 6 month span. I have a brain injury from a ruptured aneurysm, i really think its the culprit now. I dont understand how i mad it to 49 then and all of a sudden bam, out of nowhere, the blues, hallucinations, delusional and depression from hell. It all caved in on me at once. My health issues concern me, but not to the point that I worry, because they are all life threatening, strangely, i find peace knowing that any moment, my head could explode, or my heart stop and doesnt matter to me which comes first as long as its the one.
I am trying to be positive about this year, but, I am coming up on the anniversary of what I call "I should have been dead, I should have died" and it gets me. I replay the event and wonder what went wrong, not what went right and then I want to fix it. My memories of events such as the abuse and seeing the "White light" are as fresh as if they were happening again. My heart races, my mind takes flight and Im a mess. Its hard trying to do every day normal things, its hard to be in public and something triggers it, like a bright light, or hearing someone arguing.
Im venting, forgive me. but I got to go to work and I am horrified of driving right now because of the snow, but I gotta get out there soon. I see my psych doc this week, still no therapist and he gives me every bit of 10 minutes as then shoves me out the door with new script in hand. I got so much to live for, daughter, grandchildren and even a few dreams of travel and other stuff, but it doesnt fix my heart.
I hate that i spend days thinking why and how, I hate that I pray to God asking for strength to do it and not fix it. I hate pretending that Im ok. Im not ok. Day by day is how I take it, no plans, just day by day. Thank you again for your response. I know you wasn't expecting this, but my chest feels just a little lighter and perhaps today, I will be fine.

[H-H-H-H]

Hello, Olanza-what?. The price of your survival is steep. To be alive without a worthy life is simply existing. For many, not existing is the easier alternative.

You are a remarkable women, Olanza. I wish you well.

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by H-H-H-H

For many, not existing is the easier alternative.

not existing is the easier alternative
Exactly!