[lucami]

i just can't. I used to be strong. But mental abuse by my family destroyed me. Now its about 5 am here. My dog started to act strange, walk strange, had heavy breathing. I got so scared. Shaked. Told my mother we should take him to vet. But she instead yelled at me its my fault that sth wrong with my dog. Rest of family woke up and yelled at me too. Everything always is my fault im only one to blame coz i don have a job so its my fault. Ive told pdoc about this mental abuse. He said only ur adult, move out. How am i supposed to when i dont have money even for food. When i have so heavy panic attacks and agorafobia i can't go outside. When any of meds didt work for me. My heart hurts. My forearms hurts. Cant stop crying. Cant stop shaking. My body is so heavy i cant get up. My hands are so numb i barely typing.

[sideblinded]

((lucami))

It sounds like you are in a terrible situation. I am really sorry to hear that you are being berated by your family. I was also berated by my family a long time ago. It leaves us so alone and feeling so hurt. I really wish I could take your pain away. When you feel this way you can come here and vent. You are a worthy human being and you do not deserve this. I would be very concerned about my dog, too.

I really hope things get better for you very soon.

[lucami]

thanks sideblinded

[Bluegrey]

How are things now, ((lucami))? I hope that your dog is ok and that you have weathered that particular storm.

Do you have a T, or just the pdoc? Is there someone you can talk to properly, who knows your situation and will listen and understand? This forum does have lots of people who have been through or are going through similar situations, so please do vent on here as much as you need to.

Gentle
Bluegrey

[lucami]

Bluegrey, my dog feels better but still have heavy breathing everyday and I'm afraid of him :c but I have no money for vet now, rest of my family don't care at all about him.. I survived but right now freaking out, feeling possessed, don't know if it's because of abusive father who yelled at me when I was a kid that im antichrist etc, or maybe something is rally haunting me, damn, i don't know eh

for now I have only pdoc, which I can't even call when I have bad times, have to wait till 10th to get a T (but probably will have for therapy month or so anyway), my friends in real life don't understand anxiety disorder ocd etc at all, so the only place that I can get it's in internet, so that's why I'm here

[Bluegrey]

I'm glad your dog is feeling better. Not quite sure what you mean though - are you afraid he will hurt you? Or are you afraid for him, that he will get worse again?

Sorry you are feeling so upset. I used to know someone who felt possessed, but it turned out they weren't and actually were having flashbacks - not that I realised that then, but I can see it now, looking back at how they behaved and what they said. I hope you are able to feel calmer soon.

Hope you get the T when you expect, hopefully that will help a bit. For now, I'm glad you found PC - glad I found it too! It does make a difference knowing that people have understanding through experience, and I certainly have shared things I can't talk about much elsewhere.

I'm not sure if you are ok with virtual hugs, so won't send one now just in case.

Bluegrey

[lucami]

no no sorry I misspelled, I'm not afraid that he could hurt me (actually I'm more scared that I could hurt him :c), I'm afraid for him, he's 10 y/o already and has been paralyzed twice, because of serious accident which he had about 6-7 years ago and a few months ago when he jumped he got this again.. vet said that he can't jump and run, but he loves it like probably every boxer so I'm worried all the time :c

probably in my case it's kind of flashback too, I've been yelled at when I didn't wanted to go to church with family, called names and so on, back then I didn't care, but probably it hid somewhere in my mind, and blow up when anxiety disorder came .__.

yeah hope that I could get T which could come to my flat, with heavy agoraphobia I can't even imagine how I could go there, alone, it's about 30-40 min by bus from my place.. but probably therapy in home won't be possible..
Yeah exactly! I don't know what I would do if I wouldn't find PC, here people have understanding through experience, but also want to help others which is something new to me (my pdoc seems to not really care, on other site nobody cared, it was like 'my problems are the most important, don't care about yours' type of forum) and probably lifesaving, writing here really helps..

virtual hugs won't replace real hugs but it's nice too actually I prefer virtual hugs nowadays, I want someone to hug me in real life too, but when my friends do I don't feel comfortable :c

[Bluegrey]

Thanks for the reply, lucami. I'm glad you and your dog get on fine, and hope he can manage not to get the paralysis again.

I wonder if you could access therapy by phone or something? Or email? I'd imagine that face to face is best but there has to be some way people with agoraphobia can get help.

Take care, anyway, and keep us up to date.


Bluegrey

[lucami]

thanks, he's better now no heavy breathing lately so I'm more calm about him

here therapy by phone doesn't exist :c I found only place where it's possible to call in emergency, but not as every week therapy.. when I asked pdoc about agoraphobia and how I'm supposed to go to therapy so far away or go to job (he wrote me a note for employment office that I can work.. I have no idea how in this state) so he only said 'take meds'.. but any meds didn't work for me so far, and I'm freaking scared of meds (probably thanks to my father and side effects), I struggle even with taking iron for anemia..
btw I wonder, if emotional abuse can lead to feeling like psycho?