[Jessica_0146]

7 years ago at the ripe ol' age of 21, I believe that I was sexually assaulted and raped for my first time ever having sex, in a number of ways (with the exception for **** rape that never occurred), multiple times. I have not seen a therapist for this, nor has it been reported for a number of reasons as to how conflicting the situation would be. It would be a he said she said conflict and I would never win in court, and I know it. Senseless to report him when I know I will not win. I have not been to a therapist because of the costs associated with hiring one, and finding one who understands my faith who is fairly reputable. I fear having some sort of STD from the events, but have been tested for things like AIDS and so far have tested negative, but am still lacking some further testing as I have found sores down there at times when I saw he had some spot or two on his part. The whole situation is littered with caveats in the whole matter, like I originally had consented but changed my mind at the last minute but couldn't speak from shock. This person was supposed to be my boyfriend. At one time during one of the rapes, and then thereafter, my whole lower half ...warning...graphic...so if you don't want to read...look away now...of my vagina and my muscles that are tensed during Kegel exercises stayed contracted and painful. I have felt that vague pain in my vagina and uterus years down the road remaining single, and not seeing anyone, and having been sexless except for masturbation (and sometimes do so shamefully and compulsively). I did get to the point where I was finally near my end during one of the rapes, and couldn't take it anymore and it took a lot of energy for me to do, but I began to tell him no with his every thrust after he had shoved me down and pinned me on the bed. I have even gone to the extent of a few years through which I dressed down to try and not draw any man to me, as a thought of how to prevent it from ever happening again, even mismatched clothes. I didn't care for a while. Now, I am trying to get my life back together on my own...with a few of the articles I am reading on here. I am a person of religious faith, so it really plays a big part in this, and therefore sex outside of marriage is not an okay thing for me to do. I have never been married. I am concerned since what happened with the rapist/ex-acquaintance, since there was a withdrawal method used....and I never orgasmed, that my next encounter with a spouse will hurt. I still have a libido, but deliberately choose not to fulfill it, except shamefully on my own. I have found I have anxiety issues, I have been psychiatrically diagnosed with ADHD from the time I was a child. Anyone have any positive experience after encountering a rape as a single and marrying and having sex inside the bounds of matrimony? Is my fear irrational? I mean, I dream to one day be married and have children. Amazingly, its only been in the past two years that that vague pain has finally stopped. I fear I will have to walk it out with a future spouse with a sex therapist or something, any suggestions? Please help if you can. Thanks.

[avlady]

I feel bad for you, i sympathize too because i had a similiar experience, one time a guy i knew tied me to a bed and had his way with me. I didn't want him to put his thing in me but he was soo rough i was afraid to fight for myself. It ruined that part of my life, a teenager, and i had no one to turn to because i was so ashamed. I hope you can get a doc and t to talk to for therapy, it really helps.

[RainbowG]

Rape doesn't have to ruin your chances of having a happy marriage and having children. There are plenty of women who've done it. Please don't worry about that part of your future.

I appreciate the importance of religion to you, but it's difficult for me to believe that any religion would equate rape with sex outside of marriage. You weren't in control of the situation. That's not the same as choosing to have sex outside of marriage. Do you have a religious leader or someone who follows your religion whom you trust? You might talk to him or her about that to soothe your concerns about it.

I think therapy is definitely a good idea. The sooner, the better. I know, though, that getting therapy is problematic when insurance won't pay for it and you can't afford it. I would recommend that you check what your insurance says about getting therapy. With my insurance, for instance, if my PCP recommends it then the insurance will cover it. You'd have to share this experience (not the details, though, at least I don't think) with your PCP, but if that will cover therapy sessions then it might be worth it. This is a traumatic experience and a trauma therapist would be the best choice, if you can find one that your insurance covers.

If you really can't get the help of a therapist then I recommend you search on Amazon or at your local library for books on healing from rape. RAINN is also an excellent organization. They have a hotline and other resources on their website.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your concerns about the future are understandable, but if you take care of yourself now (i.e., healing), the future will take care of itself.