[muse]

I don't even know that I should be posting here, as my own case of "abuse" was hardly that... it seems kind of insignificant compared to the pain many of you have suffered adn the bravery you've showed in moving forward anyway, or trying to So I'm sorry if I my concerns seem rather petty, but I did want to get some opinions on this. Thanks.

Do you still care about your abuser at all? I mean, if the relationship was love-hate and there were good and bad times, now that it's over do you find yourself seeing them and still feeling affection/closeness with them? I do, and it's really kind of scary.

I mean, I know it wasn't her fault. She's so messed up, and I was just the person who she primarily took that out on. But she's gotten "better" recently, and I see her more often, and it's like... almost like nothing happened. That's probably just me blocking out the bad memories, but when she's around something inside me rails against the fact that I can still talk with her and laugh with her. I just don't know WHAT to think.

I think want to hate her again, because then I'd feel safe. Hating her would be concrete, at least.

Thanks much!

Please know, your pain and struggles are not something to be measured and compared-- hurt is hurt. Your struggles are not petty --they are struggles for you.

I may be way off here-- but, it seems to me that your feeling affection and closeness towards your abuser is-- in your case a healthy step. You stated that she's gotten better recently.... maybe something inside you understands it wasn't all intentional and that she's getting better is helping you to also get better. What good would it do to hold ill feelings towards a person if they are improving?.....(sorry-- I'm not very good at expressing things)--
I'm trying to say that I think it's a step in a healing direction if you and her can put the past behind and make a better present and future. It's fortunate if she is indeed improving, I am glad for you. (I sure wish I could say that about my situation )

I think if the past is different than the present--in a better way-- then one should embrace the new better way and not hold on to the hurtful past that is gone and will not be repeated.

It might feel that hating her is more "normal" because that's what you've been used to-- a new outlook always feels strange or uncomfortable until we "wear" it for a while.

I like to hear about others improving--- helps me to hold on to hope...... maybe "impossible hope" in my case-- but I've always been one to be a dreamer.

Take care -- and I hope you keep us informed as to how things are going--
I'm cheering for you!

mandy

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( muse ))))))))))))))))

Good post mandyfins!!

this is off topic-- sorry.

Thank you Fuzzy!

You are always so kind.

mandy

[muse]

Thank you so much, Mandy; that was an incredibly sweet reply. Hehe, you almost had me tearing up there for a moment. ^.^

I guess it's complicated because while she WAS abusing me I absolutely loved her. That's what made the abuse so effective, really. The reason I feel like I'd feel "safer" hating her again (the hate was very short-lived and only happened after I'd ended our friendship) is because I'm so afaid of the power she has--STILL has, crazy as that seems--over me. I'm scared to be drawn back into another cycle of "love me or I'll hate you". And yet still, something in me feels drawn to her every time I see her. I don't know if it's habit or honest affection or what, but it's still there.

:| Oy vey. Well, I will keep you updated, and thank you so much for the cheers (and the hugs, Fuzzybear!!)!! We dreamers need to stick together, so if you ever need me, just PM me. *hugs*