[narcoleptic4444]

I grew up with a mother who shouldn't have been a mother. When I was a baby, crawling on the floor around 6 months old, my dad used to make cassette recordings and on one of the recordings, you can hear my mother threatening me for just crying. She would spank me when I was a baby before I even knew why I was being spanked before I could even talk. If I cried, I was spanked. If I did anything a normal child did like make noise or cry, I was spanked. She spanked me and yelled at me as early as two or three months old. As I got older, she hit me with constantly. I was covered in bruises all the time. I wince after speaking sometimes because I still expect to get hit. I have the shakes all the time.

Once, when I went to daycare at three years old, a girl came up to me and for no reason pulled my hair and wouldn't let go. This repressed trauma came back to me a few years ago when I finally remembered what happened. The girl pulled my hair, then I bit the girl's thumb for doing what she did to me. The daycare staff were not paying attention to us kids instead they left us alone. When the little girl started crying, and apparently I bit her black and blue because she hurt me, they all took the girl's side. So when my mom got there to pick me up, the staff told her what they thought happened, that I bit this girl for no reason, so in order to teach me a lesson, she grabbed my hand and bit me black and blue. I felt betrayed by her, as I always felt betrayed by her. I never felt that she ever loved me, she just said it because that's what parents were supposed to do.

Through the years she bullied me, used my own toys to beat me with if my brother and I got in a fight. If we weren't quiet, we got beat. She always threatened to give us "such a bruising." I was slapped many times. She did a lot of the same stuff to my brother as well. I have no bond with her, and when I got older, she began to interfere with my relationships with my girlfriends and create power plays to get them against me.

This has affected all of my relationships with women.

The worst part is that I cannot stop thinking about the abuse. It replays in my mind on a daily basis.

[sideblinded]

((narcoleptic4444)) I am so sorry to hear your story. It really saddens me that you heard your own abuse from when you were a baby. You have been through so much. I was abused as well by my mother and brother. Have you had any counseling? I didn't get any counseling until late in life and I wish I had of secured therapy for my own abuse much earlier. It affected my relationships as well. I really hope that you seek some kind of help for this. There is hope to overcome these memories. Regards.

[RedEagle]

What does bit me black and blue mean?

[Open Eyes]

((narcoleptic44)),

You are right, your mother should not have been anyone's mother. It is so unfortunate that "anyone" can be a parent "no education required, not exams to take, just go ahead and do it".

What you experienced was so unfair to you because "no" child should be spanked for crying and needing nurturing, that is what babies do, they cry because that is all they know "how" to get their needs met.

All your mother's behavior towards you is all about her total lack of knowledge and internal anger about that "helplessness from not knowing" too. A lot of this stems from "children are to be seen an not heard" that took away the proper nurturing that ALL children/babies need and deserve as a human child.

I am very sorry, you deserved better.

((Caring Gentle Hugs))
OE

i'm sorry. it sounds like you've had such an awful time.

are you in therapy?