[krzyk101]

Hi, I have been gone for some time from here. I guess I would start with that I have never since being a member here spoke of the one thing or person who I love the most and who I am so dependant on and yet the one person in all my 34 years of life who knows so much how to upset me so bad and I am just feeling so much fear right now to even write about her and this. My mother.

I really do not know where to begin. I guess I would like to start by saying that the avitor picture of me in the corner of my posts is not a violent person and he is not bad and he has NEVER physically hit another person in all his life and even when he was a patient on psychiatric wards he never ever hit anyone, but he does get upset and in the past has yelled and screamed at others, but because he is frightened of them and does not realize that the others are frightened of him and really does not want anyone to think that he would hurt them in any way. He only looks mad, really he feels scared and alone and mostly misunderstood. He trys really hard to be a good person and he still feels bad most of the time but not because he does bad things, because he is afraid.

I was physically abused by my mother after my dad divorced my mom when I was 10 years old and mom blamed me or she always told me I was just like my father. She would out of the blue go bezerk when I looked at her wrong, and tell me to wipe that smirk off my face only I would say the truth that I did not know what a smirk was. Then as always she would hit me across the face. I still do not understand waht a smirk is. It only means be ready to get hit.

Now, I am an adult. I love my mom more than anything in the world and she is all I have in the world right now and besides God, she is the only one I have to talk to. I guess she just is tired alot and always needs to eat and has low blood sugar when anything I try to talk to her about upsets her or she is upset with me. I dont understand the things she does. She goes to church every sunday regardless of anything and teaches sunday school and things and has to church praying for me and they mail me a post card every week and cards to say they are praying for me.

I believe in God. I am sick. I have been on disability for about since I was 21 years old. I worked all from age 15 to age 21 when I had a breakdown and admitted myself to a psych hospital.

Now I have physical disability and chronic pain and recently moved back here to my home town so as my mother put it , I could be closer to my family and her and she could help me better. I had no friends there as it was or known anyone other than paid people who came to see me.

Today, I was asleep still when she showed up this afternoon and last night I phoned her because I was in so much pain and could not get the things all brought into the apartment and needed her help and the pain was overwhelming me. I also was attempting to take care of all the bills and things I do on the first of the month with my social security check.

I had gotten all the money orders for my bills and paid and out of my check I was so proud to have still cash my own money this month of $150.00, and had plans to not need much money this month from mom.

I have been having bladder troubles lately and I had the cash in my wallet and went to buy cat food and they were out and I rushed in to get the cat food and it is ten dollars and I usually leave the rest locked in the car but had to get to the bathroom fast and shoved the money in my wallet. I went in and they were out of the kind I needed so went back to the car.

Then I felt for my wallet and remember thinking that I needed to put it in a better place as my pants pockets were shallow. I then went on and then realized the wallet gone.

I panicked I have panic attacks, and I went right back there where I had been and the lady gave me my wallet someone had turned in and I opened it and all my money for the month was gone. I became really calm and had faith and then realized I had gone through my car for 2 hours in the parking lot.

Today Mom came and I told her I was very sick still today. I had just woke up and had been sleeping for over 15 hours and I could not pretend all was ok. I was upset over all my money gone for the month, she said not to worry not any big deal cause at least I paid my bills. I still in so much pain and she wanted to run the sweeper when the first thing she got here and was yelling at me cause i was crying in pain and all.

I felt so upset cause she wanted to hang the new drapes she ordered and I told her she cared more about the floor and how things looked than how I am doing as far as my declining health which she will not allow me to talk about I am not allowed to talk about almost anything I feel. I am not allowed, and she will leave or hang up on me if I do try and talk about my feelings and today she got mad cause I said that I am upset cause I dont know how to make friends and I only have her and God to talk to. She said for me to just shut up or maybe that one person would just stop coming or doing anything at all.

I dont know what to say from here. I was so upset when she left here, and I had the same thing as usual, no one to phone to try and talk to and so I told God that I was going to open the phone book and please help me try and find someone I might have once known but forgotten and be able to call and talk to them, i did not find anyone. I am sorry to have wrote all this out but I just want somehow to be able to try and let others here get to know me and try to explain that I am not bad and that I am not dangerous and I mean no harm to anyone only I need friends and I need to be able to try and learn how to communicate with other people. I try and dont do very well. Thank you if you did read all this.

[LMo]

KrzyK - I'm listening... I'm sorry about your wallet and I'm sorry that your mother isn't being sensitive to your feelings. I DO care... and if you want to keep talking, I'm still listening

[wounded1]

I had to write in answer to your pain. Let me say this, you are a special, valuable, and more together person than you give yourself credit for. I think if you took a good look in the mirror, you would see that I am right. Please believe in yourself. Just by being here, you are reaching out.

Your Mom is an angel for helping you now, but it doesn't forgive what she did in the past. I can't imagine the conflict you feel just looking at her. But realize that although you may need her physically, you have it within yourself to stand on your own mentally.

You need friends, outside contact, to help you rebuild your self esteem. There must be group in your community, even through the Church (not necessarily the parish your Mom attends), that you can become a part of, even by letter or email. I am not an expert on anything (well maybe shoes and chocolate!), but one thing I do know is what has helped me through my pain all my life is sharing it with others, and sharing their pain with them. You'd be amazed how empowering it is to know that you are not alone in the things you feel and think!

Please keep us all here posted as you go through your journey. We are "listening"!

wounded1

[krzyk101]

I am feeling more alone and frightened than ever in my entire life. I do know much is the depression and the situational issues I now face, in combo of the two, I am now feeling so trapped and in fear. I spend much of time looking over my shoulder.

I have been here now for about a year or maybe 9mos. I go days without conversation with another human in my apartment. I believed I would be better here. I live now in fear. I live in constant fear. I no longer journal by hand nor on the computer as the one I speak of has a key to the apartment.

I am unable to go to where the person lives with their spouse, my step parent who will not speak to me and has not spoken to me since month of December. I am not able to go there without leaving in a total state of fear and terrorized. I feel trapped in here.

I forget at times I am really allowed to leave here. I forget that I am allowed to go places besides the store. I physically have taken a big turn for the worse. I am progressing in my disease.

Month of Janurary had to find a new primary care provider, did as was advised, the one has seen me only a few times. The MD is abusive to me in the way spoken to. The nurse rolls her eyes at me and sighs as I try to express my concerns.

I still have such pain seeing pain management, recently I was threatened by the person with the key to be put in a home. I am in my mid thirty's and this is a small town. I fell in Feb and cracked 2 ribs. I waited 10 days before calling new MD. They ordered outpatient xray of chest. I have never been exam in person for this. I phoned in regard to remaining pain in my sternum and upper underarm bruising and pain not that of my usual chronic pain no return call from md.

I have since fallen about for or five times since then. Called, not seen or tested or xray. I recent developed a bad infection or rash on my stomach and was taking an antibiotic form md and had reaction stopped taking it. I then had recent monthly appt with pain mngmt, told pm doc and showed them as been treating me for 4 years same person every month, advised me to seek treatment from this primary md as in all the time of chronic skin condition seen of this pmandoc never has seen the way it is looking now. Told this to nurse, who talked to primary md who said needed ot go to out of town dermatologist.

Not willing to examine the skin that day and made out town appt for 2 days later. I was too ill to make it there out of town. Went out of town to ER and was told have perifial neurapathy in both hands and feet from the appearance and obtained records from old md.

Now, too scared to even try and go anywhere else or call office. I have been with fever over month. I in fear of leaving here several days ago without this one with the key to enter here while I was gone and so purchased a doorknob lock with keys and attempted to install it, and failed, so had hole and no doorknob only deadbolt, told someone else in family and they put old knob back on and so sick the other day gathered my things and took my pet in carrier to try and find a way from here and failed and ended up running into the person and their spouse at a store where I was trying failed to buy some grocerys,I fled the store lot.

seeming minutes later the person showed up here and I said I was sick and night before woke on kitchen floor and not sure what time and that have been having trouble with balance and this was first time the person here for over 2 weeks.

I am not overtaking the meds and dont know where to go or what to do. First of month did do 15 loads of clothes at laundry mat after told not to worry they would do laundry for me, only all the clothing I own was dirty and no effort or talk of helping after saying would help.

I was so exhausted and sick that I slept from the night seen this person at the store, for 36-hours. Not talked to since that night. Do not want to talk or see. Only made dependant on money.

Several times came here I was asleep and used their key and I asked them to leave. Please leave here and they would not do so. I dont know. I am independant and apartment people said to me no complaints and no worry of being evicted contrary to being told by this person.

I am going to try and find some way out today and should be ok for now until at least 3 hours as they are at church only afraid to leave pet here.

[__zh]

krzyk101

have read your posts over time and remember your participation here well.

am so sorry to read this is how things are for you right now.

it is good you still come here and share what is happening.

prayers for your anxiety and pain to lessen.

wish things were better for you krzyk101. please keep taking the best care you can. ten days is a long time to wait with cracked ribs. you're worth feeling better and you're worth receiving care given with RESPECT.

[Rapunzel]

Just want you to know that I read too. At least you can always talk to us. Your mom reminds me a lot of my mom.

Do you have a therapist or counselor? If you do, could you ask them to help you explain your needs to your mom? I get pretty concerned any time someone is not allowed to talk about the things that are important to them. I know how hard it is to live that way. You should be able to talk freely, with your family and also with others that you trust. I wonder if you could find a support group too. Maybe if you ask your doctor(s) they could give you a referral.