[Varahh]

I've been dating this guy with aspergers for almost 7 months now. In the beginning of our relationship we were very close and intimate but after I was diagnosed with anxiety I was unable to be intimate again. It made me very uncomfortabl . We went to therapy for it and I discovered that me unable to be intimate was because when I was younger I was molested by an older cousin for a really long time and I never dealt with those feelings so now its really affecting m . He knows this but he would still ask for small intimate activities. I would say no but he would keep asking and begging until I finally said yes so he would leave me alone. He's sexually frustrated I know. But he doesn't understand how I feel about sex. How can I enjoy something that was used against me for so long? My feelings from so long agoare very confusing to me. So recently he started having sex with me while I was sleeping and I woke up panicking and he started panicking and apologizing like craz . I started pushing him away and that's where he started crying because he really loves me and he feels guilty. Now my feelings are even more confusing and I don't know what to d . I want to break up with him. But he has aspergers so I don't know if he really understands why what he did was wrong and everyone keeps telling me that it was a mistake and I know that but I don't know if I can trust him agai .

[CANDC]

Welcome Varahh to Psych Central (PC). I am so sorry to hear you have suffered so much abuse. No person should have to live through that and the uncertainty. Have you ever thought of working with a therapist for your life and a counselor for your relationship.

You sound like you really need clearly respected boundaries for what is allowed in your relationship. The behavior of your bf is unacceptable and may only make trusting more difficult.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

This article talks about self care. Seeing what you have been through some self nurturing may be just what you need along with some hugs.
What is Loving Self-Care | In Your Own Hands

[sideblinded]

Varahh, it's no wonder that you are confused about sex. What you have been through has impacted your intimacy. You are in the right forum to find others who have experienced your issues. I am glad that you decided to join and explore your options.

Possible trigger:

My father exposed himself to me so I know this confusion well

I am now in therapy and I am starting to talk about this. I hope that you find help.

Welcome to PC.

[kaliope]

hi varahh
whether it was a mistake or he understands, the fact is that you are continueing to be assaulted against your will and pressured to do something you dont want to do and this is not "safe' for you at this time. if he doesnt understand he will not stop and if he does, he is being careless of your feelings and mental healht. you need to take steps to take care of you. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Varahh!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It may take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated but after that you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for what you've gone through. Being sexually assaulted by someone is never acceptable no matter what the diagnosis. Please put yourself first in this situation. No means no. Get away from him. Best wishes.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[Varahh]

thanks everyone i really apreciate all the support. today he came to me crying about how sorry he was and he wants to fix it and claiming that he has sexomnia which i really dont believe. sexomnia dosent make any since it kinda felt like an insult like he was putting the blame on something else and hes not taking it seriously.

[RainbowG]

I have to agree with what others have said here. The diagnosis doesn't excuse the behavior. It explains it but doesn't excuse it.

I was just reading about autistic conditions in a book the other day. It said that the way the brain of someone with such a condition works is that they have a hard time empathizing with others and essentially see people as objects, no different from a table or chair. This isn't because they're evil or anything. It's just the way their brain works.

The book also talked about how some people with high-functioning autism can understand what empathy is when you talk to them about it, but when it comes to following through on that knowledge, they can't make the connection between what they know intellectually and what they're experiencing in a real-life situation. So when you alert him to the fact that he wasn't taking your feelings into consideration, he may intellectually understand that and feel sorry, but that doesn't mean he can actually put himself in your place and understand the pain you're experiencing. (Hope that makes sense.)

The fact is that we sexual abuse survivors need sensitivity. We must be with someone who can empathize with what we feel. If the person we're with has some condition that prevents this (and there are, sadly, a number of different ones, not just autism) then we need to seriously consider not being with that person, no matter how much we care for them and how much they care for us. It's painful, but it's the way it is.

If you're afraid of him then that's a major red flag. Plenty of abusers, for instance, apologize profusely every time they abuse, but it doesn't stop them from abusing. If he can't empathize with your experience, he may well continue to assault you (and it IS assault!). There are times when we just need to accept that a situation is nobody's fault and protect ourselves.

[Varahh]

I hate him but I still have some feelings for him its so confusing. I don't know what I want anymore.

[Varahh]

Is it really wrong of me to break up with him even though he keeps telling me that he's sorry and he wants to fix it? Am I being stubborn because I feel hurt by his actions and I dont want to forgive him? Why? I'm so confused