[Juliaspavlov]

between 3 and 6 I was sexually abused by my uncle. His name still makes me feel like vomiting. It takes me ages to trust anyone with his name or red hair. What a ratbag. He used to show off and give my brothers presents so he could use that emotionally against me. Plus he used to put a belt in the room to suggest punishment in case of non compliance. My mum used to belt us so I strongly used to connect that up in my mind and hated my mum and told her so at 4. She belted me for that. He used to tell me that if I bled I could just put a bandaid there. Needless to say bandaids make me want to vomit. I used to talk about it to anybody I could find who would listen and I self harmed early in life. Later a priest sexually abused me and when I tried to tell a nun she slapped me in the face and sent me to psychology sessions. So I am against the Catholic Church and its condoning practices. My uncle was a catholic and they have no power to influence a person for good. My eldest brother was witness to some of the abuse and ended up having great psychological problems.Hes dead now.
well I might add to this another time but for now ...hang in there all you survivors out there.Some time it doesnt feel like surviving We dont belong in the bin we can be there for others.

[mtd]

Sad Mum,

I can relate to your pain, and how you react to the past we share. I was threatened too, with a gun. I was bound. Today, I simply can't stand the color of the walls of that room. I can't stand anyone with their complexion, and their names sicken me. I can't stand to be touched, no matter how I crave a loving touch.

Today, I also work hard with some organizations to help other survivors and to prevent others from becoming victims. When I'm doing that, it's when I most feel like surviving and when I most feel alive.

We deserved better. But we also deserve today to allow ourselves to take a step forward each day to reclaim our lives and our souls. So I force myself to smile until I find something to smile about, and I cry when I feel like it. I was too afraid to cry when I was being abused. I've taken that much back.

Be well,

mtd

[Juliaspavlov]

thanks MTD I appreciate your answer and feel for you too. Keep up your good work. Thanks for being there for others too.

sorry it happened to you sadmom...

feel safe now its not happening anymore

btw can u please put trigger icon on for next post with similiar content.... ty

[MissCharlotte]

Oh Sadmum,

Your post touched a raw spot inside of me. I had an uncle who played games with us (also around age 3) that only later in life I realized was sexual abuse. He, too, purchased gifts as a way to encourage compliance. This was reprehensible behavior, as we were very poor and badly wanted the presents as any child would. My grandmother was emotionally and physically abusive toward me and would purchase treats for my sisters and leave me out. Oh, it's so hard to have a strong sense of self when we are carrying these bags around. But the hardest part is seeing the effect in our own children when we worked so hard to stop the cycle. I have heard that it take 3 generations. So, at least we are beginning to put an end to the cycle of abuse by dealing with our issues.

Take good care.

[Juliaspavlov]

thanks everyone Im sorry Bronee hope I didnt do anything wrong.I don't know what a trigger icon is but I will figure it out. Thanks sister I guess coming to this site is a way of dealing with issues. I love Psych Central I cant even remember how I found it. + this is my first experience in life of getting support on line. I only got the internet this year and Im 50 lol I had to ask my daughter what lol meant. I thought it meant lots of love. Slow steps and seeing what others are going thru is helping me Im glad I worked out about the smilies its one of my favourite things.

[Juliaspavlov]

Oh ohhh I think I just figured what a trigger is and Im I hope I put things right I couldnt edit the first post of this. Im glad you pointed it out Bronee Im Add and still blurt out things at 50 again +

[Juliaspavlov]

I got a lot of comfort talking about this subject I used to tell anybody who would listen. I was thinking of posting when I was 15 about when my dad asked me if I was a slut? I'll give it a bit more thought first. and its only lunch time in Sydney. Im going to go watch George Lopez show and try to have a laugh.