[shrekislovepepememe]

Okay, so I am seventeen, and have no idea what to do with my life in any way. I can't simply give my current situation if I want real advice, so I unfortunately have to right a book about myself for you to truly understand why I'm such crap... here it goes I guess.

background info: My father went to prison when I was a baby and came home when I was almost five. While he was gone I was passed between sitters who neglected me and often watched other children who would bully and hurt me. When my dad came home things were no better. Him and my mom had a terrible relationship. They were abusive toward each other, would throw things, and scream, and call each other vile names, and the police were called at least twice a year because of their fights. My dad became very abusive towards me mentally, verbally, physically, and sometimes sexually in a way.
My mom became rich as a stripper and we lived in a mansion, so I was always told that if I felt unhappy it meant that I was worthless and ungreateful. I went to a private school and ate very well.

Possible trigger:

I had everything most kids dream of, but I was miserable, and the white kids at school often showed their racism. I first attempted suicide when I was nine.

Possible trigger:

My dad would beat me often. And there were times when he put knives up to my throat, or strapped me down and literally tortured me for stupid reasons (usually because he was mad at my mother or I cooked poorly or I didn't wash a dish correctly). He would make sexual comments about my body ALOT, and watch me often when I was naked and say vulgar things to me, but he never touched me.

My mother was also very abusive, but I didn't find out about that until later. The less time her and I spent around him, the more abusive she became towards me.

Possible trigger:

She would be verbally, mentally and sexually abusive towards me. She would call me a ****** and an a**hole with hardly any reason and was always accusing me of doing something dastardly for no apparent reason. When I was little she used to "check on me" down there, which was okay, but as I got older I became very uncomfortable with it. She would strip me and cavity search me and then look inside me and say things like " it looks like you've been having sex" and call me names like slut when I was only eleven until I was almost fifteen.

............................................................................................._____________________________________________________________ I remember the first time I told my mom about everything that went on when she was at work, and she called me stupid, and told me I shouldve spoke up when it mattered. "You have always been weak, so I'm not surprised" she said.
She and I left my dad when I was thirteen years old. I thought that everything was going to be great and that I could be a happy kid but I was wrong. She married a man very shortly after leaving who seemed nice enough. He was clean cut and a veteran. I shortly realized he wasn't all that great either.
When my mother began to show her abuse towards me around him, not only did he enable it, but he helped out, and he eventually became verbally and physically abusive towards me as well. We lived in a small apartment but we still ate well and everything. I was in the eighth grade hoping to make good friends and such, but everything went awry when I met my first boyfriend's older brother Bobby.

Possible trigger:

long story short, Bobby was 21, but he was a sexual deviant who would have sex with anyone or anything regardless of age, gender, or social boundary.

And he, unfortunately, was my first. I got into heavy drugs shortly after I broke up with his brother, and was so high I could hardly walk one day. Of course Bobby saw that as an opportunity to take advantage, and he did. He then proceeded to brag about how he was with a virgin and slandered me. He went around to everyone that knew me or his brother and said I begged for it. He started to stalk me and I was foolish enough to not only avoid help, but totally enable him. My parents found out and, of course, it was a ***** fest. I was already being bullied relentlessly at school for it (vulgar name calling, spitting, threats, songs and chants, violence, rumors). And mom just added to it. Calling me a slut, saying I deserved it. Even adding to the rumors.
This was a pivotal moment in my life.
Shortly after that, I was very attracted to the streets. I was always called a "spoiled rich *****" who was naive and didn't know *****, and I wanted to disprove all of that. I didnt care about surving anymore, I simply wanted to live. So I left home with a girl I fell in a bit of love with at age 14. .............................................................................................__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Her and I, both sheltered girls with hardly any street sense, wandered the streets for three months and, to my surprise, had a blast. I sold drugs and gambled and did things no fourteen year old should ever do. Then, I made her leave. Her mother was worried sick. And shortly after, I went home too. But I was different. I was always pretty respectful towards my parents, but I no longer wanted to be friends with them.

My mom made me go to a therapist when I entered high school. She called me a dangerous, gothic psychopath and said if I was ever gonna see that girl again I needed to "get my ****ed up mind straight". Surprisingly, I didn't have much to say to this therapist. I didn't care much for her, and I was exhausted by her constantly telling me how much **** I was and never listening to me, so I gave up pretty soon.

Meanwhile, even though I got nearly straight A's my freshman year, I was always less than everyone else, and the girl cheated and left, so I stopped seeing that "therapist" of mine. I left home again and again through the year, because the verbal and emotional abuse only got worse, even as my behavior got better. My mother constantly told me I was **** and I should "get the **** out of her house". And, to her stupid surprise, I took her advice each time it was given. Finally, my not-so-subtle rebellions caught up to me, and I was put in juvie for being a minor out after curfew. After that, I was put into foster care for nine months, and under house arrest for three.

Unexpectedly, my time in foster care was the only time in my life that I was properly cared for or listened to, and even though my caretakers were strict and of a specific religion, I was already accustomed to not being allowed to see the sun or socialize, so they were quite alright. I was actually respected and cared for for the first time by adults. .............................................................................................____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________ _________________________________________________________ Of course, the good times couldn't last forever, and I was sent back to my lying mother. She said she would go to therapy. She stopped as soon as the state stopped watching. She said she would never let her husband abuse me again. She enabled his abuse and continued her own. I was used a a mule (doing every house chore you can imagine) for her as always and was once again not allowed to speak to friends or family without being closely monitored.

Possible trigger:

By this time in my life, I was exhausted. I'm tired of being on the streets. I'm tired of having sex for money just to get away. Tired of drugs. Tired of cigarettes. Tired of parties. So I stay in my place at home and try to gather myself.
I tried to kill myself exactly a year ago, after yet another outburst of "you stupid ******, if you don't want to follow my rules get the ***** out of my life. If you want to kill yourself, be my guest" JUST because she didn't like the way I stacked the plates when I put away the dishes one morning. She went on a rant of about two hours of how worthless and troublesome I am. And I felt like I deseved what I got. I felt pretty worthless. So I tried to end my life once again by an overdose and went to sleep.

I woke up in a hospital. Then a psyche ward. I never told anyone about what went on at home still. I thought It was nothing.

Possible trigger:

I planned on killing myself the moment I got out.

As expected, when my parents came to pick me up, the FIRST thing I heard in a deep voice was "you just costed me a lot of money. That's why you have nothing. You deserve nothing. You're always doing something stupid". No one cared about my life, so I figured I may as well end it. ............................................................................................____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __ ........................................................................................... I didn't go through with the plan. And I eventually ended up falling in love. And him and I talked alot. And I didn't want to die so much anymore. I figured that if I kept getting good grades and pushed through I could just go to a good college and never have to see them again. And of course, that failed too. This year, junior year, my mother ensured that my GPA turned to *****.
Example: *me writing an essay*
Mom: what are you doing? I thought you said you weren't assigned anything today.
Me: yes, but yesterday this essay was assigned to me, and its due in two weeks
Mom: well, you always procrastinate all the time anyway. You've got two weeks, so get to work *hands me a broom*
. This scenario would continue no matter how much I tried to get my work done throughout the next two weeks until two days before. Then-
Me: *hurriedly writing essay*
Mom: what are you doing now?
Me: writing an essay
Mom: when is it due?
Me: in about 48 hours
Mom: why are you writing a essay so late? You should've started that when you first got it *laughs* *hands me a broom* sweep the kitchen.

This happened with so many assignments that I nearly gave up. My overall GPA dropped to a 3.1 and I got two D's and a C on my transcript. ...........................................................................................____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Present day: here I am almost a senior in high school. I have acedemic talent, so I dont want to settle for just any college because of the bad grades I just got. I want to go to either drexel, hult, or oxford, so I am planning to attend a community college for two years and get a killer gpa. That way I can get into one of those. I am interested in becoming a biotechnologist or a huge business owner or technology developer... Im currently doing research regarding ocular lenses because of something im trying to invent.

My mom tells me I am literally not permitted to get a job, and today I was not allowed to go to a college/employment meeting. She never lets me do anything good for myself. She's been trying to force me out of NAHS since feshman year, she hates when I leave to do volunteer work. She wouldn't let me join the youth orchestra of Las Vegas even when I offered to pay for it, and she hasn't let me take any school sports. My mom and stepdad make themselves look perfect to everyone else and call me a liar and tell people that Im insane. My stepdad constantly triggers my PTSD on purpose by screa,in and waking me up violently for no reason and whenever rI cry he laughs hysterically. I cant get help from people because theyve already listened to my parents, and the few that will listen... Really, whos truly going to take all of this into account?

I'm moving out when I turn 18 in December. I don't care wat I have to do. But I'm worried. If I'm not allowed to get a job or do anything to network or get a good situation ready for myself, what am I going to do? I've heard things such as "talk to your mom. She'll understand" but that's not going to work at all. Ive talked to her about alot of things before, and its never been good. Damn it, she's the SOURCE of all this. I'm scared, and tired of life. I need actual, real help for once... .____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______

[kaliope]

hi shrekislovepepememe
thank you for sharing your story. i am sorry that you are having to go through all this abuse. i am glad you can get away from it all in a year and have goals for your future. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

I admire your strength and courage in the face of growing up in all that!

I think leaving when you turn 18 is a good idea and should be your top priority.

I also think it will be imperative to cut all contact with these people when you go.

You'll need a good support network so I believe it's important for you to contact an agency that helps child abuse and domestic violence survivors have access to the resources they need in order to make their transitions safely!

www.thehotline.org
www.unitedway.org

It isn't easy, but you are worth it!

You too can break free and have the type of life you want and deserve!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[Fuzzybear]

[Killian Hook]

Hello, Love!

Sorry for shortening your name. I don't think I could type it all without misspelling it.

My own issues with sex abuse were pretty minor compared to yours (a cousin). My parents had a very hostile relationship towards each other (one time my Dad called my Mom a "f-word" "c-word" right in front of me). Fortunately, they never took any of their hatred toward each other out on me...well, not that often.

It does give me some empathy for your situation, though.

You have a great attitude, surprising and unique for someone who has gone through so much pain. The most important thing to do, in my opinion, is to not quit fighting. Even at 17, you are already a woman and you have a lot more maturity than some women five or even ten years older than you. Most of the women I have known in similar situations to yours is they finally give up and give in.

Don't!

I am here for you, at least as much as I can listen and give you a sounding board. For good or ill, that is all I can do.

I hope you can find a professional who will listen to you and believe you. Don't forget, in a therapeutic situation, your doctors should not listen to your parents, but should be there to help you with your struggles. They should also report any abuse of any kind to the cops. If this isn't happening, find someone else who will take you seriously.

Have you considered going to the courts and emancipating yourself now? I worry that waiting until you are eighteen will only cause you further harm.

Yours,

Killian

[misslabarinth]

Welcome to PsychCentral , this place has helped me through very tough times. It is a great place to share your feelings and to receive support,i am so sorry you are going through such trials , i hope to see you around! We are all here for you!~MissLabarinth
*Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just wish to talk *
Take care~

[shrekislovepepememe]

Originally Posted by Killian Hook

Hello, Love!

Sorry for shortening your name. I don't think I could type it all without misspelling it.

My own issues with sex abuse were pretty minor compared to yours (a cousin). My parents had a very hostile relationship towards each other (one time my Dad called my Mom a "f-word" "c-word" right in front of me). Fortunately, they never took any of their hatred toward each other out on me...well, not that often.

It does give me some empathy for your situation, though.

You have a great attitude, surprising and unique for someone who has gone through so much pain. The most important thing to do, in my opinion, is to not quit fighting. Even at 17, you are already a woman and you have a lot more maturity than some women five or even ten years older than you. Most of the women I have known in similar situations to yours is they finally give up and give in.

Don't!

I am here for you, at least as much as I can listen and give you a sounding board. For good or ill, that is all I can do.

I hope you can find a professional who will listen to you and believe you. Don't forget, in a therapeutic situation, your doctors should not listen to your parents, but should be there to help you with your struggles. They should also report any abuse of any kind to the cops. If this isn't happening, find someone else who will take you seriously.

Have you considered going to the courts and emancipating yourself now? I worry that waiting until you are eighteen will only cause you further harm.

Yours,

Killian

I have thought of emancipation. But I've had problems with it. I would need to prove yo the judge that I have a steady income, a place to stay, and I'm responsible. My parents cripple me to the point where that is nearly impossible.The process would also take a long time and I am already about to turn 18 in just six months.thanks very much for the supportivr reply. I also would like to say that abuse should never be minimized. My problems may seem bigger than yours, but it's all the same and all terrible.

[Crazy Hitch]

Just stopping by to leave you a very quick note and a very warm welcome to Psych Central.

I also want to acknowledge the Community Liaisons and the important role that they play here at Psych Central, all of which they do voluntarily in their free time. I do not doubt for one second that they will help you in a heartbeat, as much as they have helped me along my journey since November 2013 too.

The Script - Superheroes