[ThisWayOut]

As if it wasn't enough that I needed to reframe my childhood around memories of csa, tonight my mom admitted she has no emotional connection to anyone, including my brother and i. She could "take us or leave us" without a second thought... I know I've always felt disposable, but to have it confirmed... I dunno. What do I even do with that?

[ThingWithFeathers]

I don't know what you should do with it, but I can tell you what I have learned. It's important to know who you can seek support and comfort from, who can provide the things in life you need - love, care, support, understanding and emotional closeness. While for many people their families provide those things for them, for some of us our families can't or won't or whatever. We need to find what we need from others or from ourselves. What I can offer my friends is, hopefully, of value. I also hope what they can offer me might fill some of the void my family's left.

[marmaduke]

To understand your mother you need to understand narcissism. The NPD mother has no real deep connection, well with anyone really. The NPD mother does not, cannot love.
My mother was the same, in fact my mother told me she hated me.

IMO my mother was born 'wired differently' she has no empathy.

I remember no warmth, kindness or cuddles. I remember being at infant school on an 'open day' watching mums come in and greet their young children with a big smile, a hug, a kiss, delighting in them.
My mum wasnt like that, why? Why didn't my mum like me? Why wasnt my mum like all those other lovely mums?
I watched the door waiting, wanting, longing at 5 years old for MY mum to turn up. She didn't (as usual) Tears pricked, I held them back, didnt want to be cry baby, didnt want to make a fuss.
I felt lonely. So very lonesome.

I spent 45 years lost, wondering what I did so wrong that my own mother would despise me.
Then, I found out. Nothing was wrong with me. Nothing. Mother was a narcissist. A creature unable to feel love.

I do not belive narcissisum is cause by abuse (as is widely accepted) my mother was not abused as a child, nor was she a 'tortured soul' she was in fact disgustingly happy, she wrecked havoc on family around her however.

Knowing, understanding NPD has helped me. I now know I was the victim not her, that I am ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH!
This website might be helpful;

The Narcissistic Parent - LIGHT'S HOUSE

There is more and more evidence to suggest NPD is an 60% inherited trait. Does knowing that make me forgive mother for her cruelies.

NO. Not at all. My mother was well aware of what she did.

[ThisWayOut]

A few night's sleep on this and it doesn't feel as devastating...
I understand where she is coming from. She had a lot of hurts piled on one after another from a very young age. I would hazzard that *her* mother was narcissistic. Mine has zero social skills and super-thick emotional walls. She passed those on to her kids. We learned that being connected to people and expecting things from them means disappointment...
It just sucks to hear that she has very little emotional connection to even us. I keep trying to remind myself it does not mean I am worthless or disposable. She does worry about us, and she checks in with both my brother and I, so there's *some* connection there, but... I dunno. It sucks to know that the abuse has been going on for generations.

[finding_my_way]

is it possible that she might struggle with depression or something else that might create an inability to feel a connection or be able to feel/express love, etc.?

sometimes, there are other causes of that which isn't necessarily narcissism.

i struggled for many years to feel any connection with anyone. it kind of made that cycle worse because then i felt bad that i couldn't feel anything and tried hard to make myself but wasn't able to. i guess maybe it also would depend on if your mother feels bad that she cannot feel more towards you, guilt about it, etc. or like you said, because her mother maybe wasn't loving towards her, she herself wasn't able to have that bond with her mother so those types of feelings are just something that never 'grew' in her or something.

my dad was actually like that where his dad was very critical towards him growing up (sometimes mean, i think too). so, my dad was not able to be caring towards us for many years because he kind of just reenacted what he went through and how he thought it should be. he also never wanted children even though he did pay child support for us and see us a few times a year when my parents divorced.

it took him until eight years ago today actually (when i wrote him a letter when i was in treatment for an eating disorder telling him what i needed from him and what his actions/behaviors did to me, how they made me feel, etc. i never thought he could change out of his angry, emotionally distant self, but he surprised me and has been more open, loving, and involved in my life in ways he wasn't able to be for so long.

[Crazy Hitch]

ThisWayOut

Your mother has some serious issues For her to be able to even say that ....

There's nothing that you've ever done to even warrant such a callous statement ...

And I'm sorry that you had to hear this.

You don't deserve this.

[ThisWayOut]

... today she burst my bubble around just burying her feelings instead of not having a connection. I am moving across the country in a week and a half. I told her I would miss her and was sad to be leaving (I'm excited also b/c it's a move I've been working towards for almost 3 years). She said she will not miss me, so why should I miss her...
I dunno why I'm surprised... I just wish I still had T to process that with.

[SilentStorm24]

I think that says a LOT more about your mom than you... Although I understand the hurt hearing that could cause. I'm sorry... I know what it's like to have parents who don't care. Hugs.

[JosephR]

Thank her for her honesty, and when you move out. Don't look back
My parents are the same way, And if you think they are bad when they are of full mind and body, Just wait till they are disabled and need assisted living,

She made her bed, Let her sleep in it, And you go out and have a good life thiswayout

[Eeno]

As some fellow members have said already. When you move; don't look back. Rebuild a whole new life for you with people that will love and support you, blood is not always thicker than water in the proverbial sense. She made her statements painfully clear to you whether its a manipulation method or her being too self-centered to realize her mistake, she chose poorly and now she has to live with it.

[Fuzzybear]