[LovesShelly]

Hi, everyone.

I am currently dating a girl with a very traumatic past. Over the past year she has really opened up to me. Thinking of her past, though, has made me think of my own. Now some old question are playing in my head again. I could really use someone's opinion and/or advise.

I'm not really sure how to explain my story, so I apologize if it's a bit confusing.

When I was younger (6-8 years old) I had two female friends that I was extremely close to. For this post I'll call one Emma and the other one Amanda. Of the three of us, Amanda was kinda our leader. She would pick the games we played, whose house we played at, things like that. I am not sure when it happened or how, but at some point things became very sexual between the three of us. Amanda would claim she wanted to play a game. She would tell me or Emma to take off our pants and underwear. Then Amanda would touch our vaginas. Sometimes during these games she would make me or Emma join in. Amanda always made sure that we were alone (closing doors, hiding, things like that). Amanda had one rule that we couldn't break; we could not tell anyone what was happening.
I remember when I told my mom about these 'games'. My mom got extremely upset and talked to Amanda's mom about what was happening. When Amanda found out that I told my mom, she was livid. She would not allow me to play games with her or Emma and completely ignored me for a few days.
When Amanda finally talked to me again, I told her I wasn't allowed to play her 'game' anymore. She told me that it was my body and I could do whatever I wanted with it, that I shouldn't listen to my mom.
These 'games' continued almost daily for a year.

When I got older (10-12 years old) I became friends with a girl that lived near me. She was a little younger than me (maybe a year). Let's call her Abby. As we became closer, I started playing the same 'games' as Amanda used to play with me. Except now I was the leader. I would tell her what to do, I would touch her or make her touch me. I had the same rule though, Abby wasn't allowed to tell anyone what we were doing. This continued for about a year.
Even thinking about it now, I'm ashamed of it. I feel disgusted by the memory. I can't beleive I did that to someone.

As I grew up (now I'm 20 years old) I found that I hate people touching me. People have to have my permission to touch me, even just to get close to me. I hate being around people I don't know. I'm uncomfortable with sexual situations, but yet I seek out sex. I am extremely sexual, but I don't enjoy sex itself. I have to be in control of everything.

Is this normal behavior for children? Could these experiences still be causing me problems?

Anything would help.
Thank you
~ Shell

[CopperStar]

No, these behaviors are not normal for children, especially children so young as 6-8 years old. Unfortunately it is extremely likely that Amanda was sexually abused, and was mimicking the behavior of her abuser(s). Even her advice about how it's "your body and you can do whatever you want with it, don't listen to your parents" is absolutely insane for a 6-8 year old to say. There is no way she didn't hear that from an abuser who was manipulating her into silence, as well. Very likely she tried to assert the advice given to her by her parents that others are not allowed to touch her that way, and that's what her abuser(s) told her.

Now understanding that, hopefully you can see that as a child, you also then went on to replay the abuse you suffered.

This is extremely common with children who are sexually abused.

And yes, these experiences could absolutely be causing you problems to this day. I highly recommend finding yourself a good therapist.

[LovesShelly]

Thank you, CopperStar.

Looking back on these memories now, I think Amanda was probably being sexually abused as well.

[finding_my_way]

i had a similar situation with a best friend of mine and her sister. it started when i was maybe six or seven or so. it was either after or around the time i believe i was abused by a man who lived in our home for a few months.

with my friend, it was not that often but was definitely not normal. she was very manipulative and outgoing. everyone liked her, and for some reason i could not stop being friends with her. i finally stopped being friends with her when i was 15 or so and will have nothing to do with her now even if it's just through facebook. she also was sometimes abusive towards me in mild ways like pinching my legs if i was going up the stairs on the slide at school because i wasn't going fast enough, etc.

some of what happened with her and her sister was consensual and okay with me. i did other things with other kids of a sexual nature that was not harmful to me. but with her, it was different sometimes.

also during those few years, i had been abused by two others who were older than me (males) and had an incident with two boys (brothers) who were a year and two younger who told me if i didn't do what they said, their dad said i couldn't play with them anymore. it confused me because i did not want to do it, yet i didn't know how to get out of the situation. so, having had all that happen in my early childhood really affected me on top of living in a home with family violence from six or so years old until i was 11.

those types of experiences can affect you as you get older. even now, i still have specific issues with what happened with my friend and i that makes me feel really stupid.

[cluelessgal]

Hi Shell,

I'm so sorry that all this happened to you. No, as you probably know it yourself, this is not normal behavior for children.

It's not unusual for children to act out, when they are being abused. I can connect with you.

Someone did something to me when I was around 8, though I don't have specific memories. I played 'the game' with my dolls and my younger friend. I didn't realize what I was doing and even when my mom caught me, it was just like 'oops' and laughed it off. I used to later ask

Possible trigger:

my younger cousins to pull off their pants.

Again, I had no idea what I was doing and was probably reacting to my abuse, just as probably Amanda was reacting to her abuse.

Be a little kind to yourself. You were only a child, reacting to your abuse. Your mother should have been more vigilant after the incidents came to light....but I guess parents back then didn't know any better. All that you are currently experiencing stems from what happened to you during your childhood - dislike of being touched, but yet craving sex.

Please see a therapist if you already are not seeing one. Writing can be helpful. Meditation would help you gain a little mind control. Also, there is an excellent self help book - The Body keeps score - by Bessel van der Kolk. do read it if you can, its very well rated.

All my love.

[LovesShelly]

Thank you, finding my way

I apologize for not responding sooner, life's been keeping me really busy lately.
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you.
I can kinda empathize with you. Along with the situation I discribed above, I've also had a few others like it. When I was 12 years old, a boy I cared about talked me into having sex with him. I was not comfortable with it and remember feeling dirty after it happened. I was also touched sexually by a boy in my school when I was 18 years old. He did not have my consent.

I also understand about the violent household. My parents never had patients when dealing with me. There are holes in the walls to this day from the fighting.

[LovesShelly]

Thank you, cluelessgal

I'm sorry to hear that you experienced the same kinda thing
I wish my mom would have stepped in better in this situation. She caught us a few times before and after I explained to her what was going on. She would act like it wasn't much of a problem though. She would send Amanda and Emma home and sit me down in the living room to watch me. She never really seemed to care.

I wish I could see a therapist. I'm unemployed at the moment though. I will look into seeing one as soon as I find a job. Hopefully it'll be within the next few months.

[I'm just me]

This happened to me as well but I was the one being abused she just wanted to play around and I didn't know it was wrong as an adult was also doing it to me but it didn't just happened with her, there was also this boy he used to play these 'games' with the girls at my childminders (usually just me and her) sometimes it went further, I think I was the only one he went further with though.
I remember going home and then telling my mum what happened - I didn't think it was wrong - she didn't really say anything to me but then the next day he ignored gave me these looks like I was a peasant or something and like 'what the hell did you do?'. It was because of that that I never told about the other things that happened.