my story

I'm sharing this tonight in an attempt to stop myself from harming myself, i dont know if it will work but here goes...

I was 7 when we first started going to the childminders, and I met her son, who is the same age as me. It didnt take long for it to start. He would chase me round the garden trying to kiss me. Now I know that you are thinkin thats just kids playing kiss chase, but it is what lead on from that. He would corner me behind the garage, so his mum couldnt see, and then touch me.

I should have screamed, i should have said something, but I didnt. And from there it got worse and worse(I cant write anymore, too triggering ). This happened for nearly 2 years, before we began to be looked after by my grandparents instead of the childminder.

I still see him now, he still lives opposite my parents, so it is an ordeal everytime I go to visit them, to see his house and more often than not, I see him too. I want the ground to open up and swallow me. I just want to die at times when I see him

I saw him again today. I hate him. But did he now any different? I told him I didnt want him to do the things he did to me, but he didnt stop. Even when another boy who was being looked after at the same place started joining in, I said nothing. How stupid was I? I never said anything, I should have said something, anything, but no, I didnt do a damn thing to stop it.

Is it because of this that I never said anything about what happened to me at university? Never stopped that either? I am just a stupid, pathetic, waste of space that deserves to be hurt, deserves the pain.

laura, first of all i'm sending a warm safe hug.

when i was a kid the same things happened to me. but i was being sexually abused by a grown man so i didn't know any better. kids do stuff like that - you are right to be angry, but as far as i was concerned i didn't think anything about the boys my age trying stuff even at that tender age, i tried my best to stop them but they would pin me down and look and touch.
when the grown man touched me i froze and just let it keep happening cos he threatened me and i know this sounds really far fetched but he was a hypnotist too, he used to put me under and do got knows what else.
i put a stop to it when i was 15 and buried it deep, always having self esteem and confidence problems, went through a spell of agaraphobia, relationship issues etc. always wore a happy bubbly mask - people have always thought i'm extrovert and centre of attention. it has always been an act. now i am starting to deal with it, just like you are.
nothing will change what happened, but i cant wait to see a pdoc so i can accept and learn to live with it instead of it ruining my life.
you know i am here for you, anytime nothing that happened was your fault - always remember that. every time you harm yourself you are letting them hurt you again and again. dont let them.
keep talking and posting and getting help. holding your hand, here always, kerry xoxoxoxoxo

safe hugs to u

like jinny i suffered at the hand of a grown man a father at that my father
i was also raped by one of my "friends" at 15 yrs old

the thing is as much as we want to stop it when happening sometimes we just cant no matter how much we try they somehow manage to overpower us
but that does not mean it is our fault
for they did this not us
you are not at fault mm

you are safe now
and you are stronger than ever

know that you are not alone
and you can lean on us here at pc for extra support when needed and with no need to feel ashamed at all...