[Big Mama]

I have seperated form my husband and I was hoping for a cleaner break. I still have contact with him because we have kids. It is limited contact. I also go directly to him each month to collect child support.

I am getting ready to move and I do not have enough money. No one makes my husband give me money. We kinda settled on an amount. The amount was appropriate given the current circumstance, but now that circumstances has changed. The amount he gives me is not enough. The issues I am having at the moment is the fear of asking him for more money. I have known for weeks that this was potentially coming. I put it off and delayed it, and now the time that I need more is near.

The biggest part of the issue that I am afraid to ask him for ht money. I know his money is very important to him. I fear that his money means more to him then I do and then the wale fare of me and his kids. My greatest fear is that he will say no, and if he says no then I will know that the money means more then us and the kids. I would then have to face the reality of things and make decisions accordingly. I am sadly ok with not knowing, or going along with the belief system that I have and not knowing the truth. It saddens me that I am ok with lies, and being second choice. But I have come to expect nothing less out of life.

I know I am giving him the power to control me from a distance. He has controlled me for so long and told me what to do that I am kinda paralyzed with fear. He has the money, and there is no reason he can't give it to me. He has more then enough money to spare what I need.

There is a chance that we will reconcile and we are working with the T on that while I live elsewhere. I have the relocated and taken the kids with me. In the event that he gets proper help and makes the necessary changes and I over come the past that we have shared I think reconciliation will work. But as long as money means more then the kids and I, I have no need to return to that. The knowing is jsut the hard part. Like putting off a screening for cancer, because once you know then you have to do something about it, and sometimes it is a difficult things to swallow.

Sorry if this has made no since. I jsut have so much on my mind and need to share it and get it off my chest. Thank you for listening.

[TerriLynn]

Big Mama, I can totally help you with this. I understand what you are going through.

First of all, just to let you know, I have been through all of this. My exh was/is very controlling and abusive. When we split up, we did the same thing, agreed on the amount because he didn't make a lot, and the amount of child support the courts would have had him pay was too much, he wouldn't have been able to pay rent. I wanted us both to be able to take care of ourselves and our responsibilities and be civil.

I always had to ASK him for the child support at our visitation exchanges and it was humiliating. It was his way of continuing to control me. We had constant fights over the amount, him paying late, not wanting to pay, etc. Child support was his way to continue bullying and abusing me.

We also lived in VA during this time.

The only way to make this stop is to have it court ordered based on the child support calculations that the court uses and have the child support deducted from his paycheck and sent to you through child support enforcement.

I know you want to trust him, and have the agreement between the two of you, We always want to think the best of the other. But the only way to ensure that everyone does what they are supposed to do is to take it out of all of their hands.

My exh yelled and hollered that I could totally screw him on the child support. That I could totally ruin his life, and it made him so angry, but he didn't understand that with that support, he had mine and his daughters life in his hands also. All it took was one missed payment and how would I pay the babysitter?

First, find out what he is SUPPOSED to be paying, and what you need. If you feel you need less than he is supposed to pay but more than he is paying, then you can tell him that either he can up it to get you and the kids where you need to be, or you can put it all in the court's hands and it would be even more. If you can agree to less, then make sure it is all agreed to and court ordered because verbal agreements cannot be enforced by a court. Also, put this in the context of him protecting himself. If he is paying you cash or not based on a court order, you could go to court and get the support ordered for the past and then he would be in arrears. Not that you would, but it might make him feel more like you are both protecting yourselves, not just you protecting yourself and screwing him.

Here is a link to the form used by Virginia courts. http://www.courts.state.va.us/forms/district/dc640.pdf

Child support enforcement can help you file for support through the courts, represent you and walk you through everything.
Child Support - Virginia Department of Social Services

After exh and I started doing our child support in this manner, it ended the fights over money and support. It wasn't something we had to discuss any longer cause it was out of both of our hands. If there was ever an issue, we just called child support enforcement to figure it out.

Good luck and let me know if you have questions. Also, if you have been married 10 years or more and were primarily a stay at home mom, he may need to pay you alimony.

[starfruit504]

TerriLynn is brilliant here and has a level of insight that I don't. That said, I am well-versed in narcissistic paternalism.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

My greatest fear is that he will say no, and if he says no then I will know that the money means more then us and the kids.

If your worst fear is learning that he isn't a good spouse/provider/father/person, I think you already know the answer. You shouldn't be sweating this. The fact that he has put you in this position and taught you to fear touching his precious purse says everything about this guy.

The more you worry about asking him, the more you fear his reaction, the more power you give him. You worst fears might be realized -- the good thing is that you're halfway out the door and you got the kids with you.

If it's not part of your repertoire to think about yourself (because I have a sense that you've thought much more about your ex than yourself), focus on your kids. Be their champion, their lawyer, their guardian and ask for what they need. If he isn't willing to help or makes you feel horrible for asking please reconsider this:

Originally Posted by Big Mama

There is a chance that we will reconcile and we are working with the T on that while I live elsewhere.

This man has a pattern of treating you poorly with blatant disregard for your feelings or needs. Is it realistic to think he's going to change? He's not being particularly loving right now, he doesn't seem like he's trying to woo you back with openness and kindness if you're wearing a hole in the lining of your stomach because you need more help financially. I know it would be easier if he was back in the picture, being the provider. Just because it's easier doesn't make it right.

I grew up in a similar household and wish my mother could have walked away decades ago. Looking back, now that they're divorced, she wishes the same thing. Now I don't have a lot of money. She doesn't have a lot. But we have each other and that's a lot better than a private collection of Porsches. I got my mom, that's what matters. That's forever.

[TerriLynn]

Starfruit hit the nail on the head.

[Big Mama]

Thank you both for your insight. I will definitely check out those links. I need to reassess what he would have to give me each month. I just found his check stubs, and of course it is more then I realized he got paid.

I know in the long run I will be better off knowing which means more his money or his family. I jsut wish I could ignore it forever, but I know that is not realistic. (or healthy)

[TerriLynn]

Don't worry about what he thinks or wants. There are children that need to be cared for. Focus on that, that should be your first priority right now.

Keep the paystubs.

Sit down and create a budget, and go from there. One step at a time.

[Big Mama]

Just an update. After calling my T and talking to her yet again about this matter, she continued to support me and give me solid advice. I was able to talk to him and reason with him and he agreed to give me $450 more a month. So now we are at the minimum that the law would require him to give me.

I talked to the T and she suggested I ask for the money in terms of "I need to know that we mean more to you then the money" and "I am willing to sacrifice and pay half of the rent and electric if you will pay the other half." I portrayed it as I am doing him a favor by only asking him for half of the electric and rent. I will have enough $ left over from the original $1000 he gives me. The additional $400 will cover rent and electric.

He has obviously been talking with the T about having money saved and me being entitled to part of that. The additional $ he will be giving me is part of what we have saved anyway. I am glad that he is willing to let go of some of that money. That gives me real hope for the future.

[shezbut]

(((((( Big Mama )))))))

I am SO glad to hear that you've gotten the strength to leave him. Kudos to you!! The latest is terrific news for you and your children ~ I hope that things continue to go well for you. You deserve it & so do your children!