[littleowl2006]

So - I really need to vent. I am tired, I am miserable, I feel just awful.

It was a small talk I had with my mother on the phone two days ago. We talked about maybe going to a yoga class together on my next visit to where she lives.
She suggested a certain yoga place where we have been once before. The thing is, I told her I really didn't like that the teacher, an older man, because he touched me without asking my permission first, and I felt uncomfortable.

You see, I was sexually abused as a child by my older cousin. The whole family seemed to tolerate the physical and emotional abuse that they knew of, but I just recently at age 26 told my mom what happened otherwise. She reacted shocked, but I sense she couldn't be THAT surpised. I think noone wanted to know or see what happened to me.

So now she is being really insensitive and can't understand why I wouldn't want to go to that particular yoga teacher's class anymore. Instead, silent disagreement when I suggest trying out a women's class. Passive aggressive "Well I don't know, he is the best teacher they have there..." and then a grumpy silence. Ever since then I have this gnawing feeling in my gut and it grows into anger.

I don't understand, I mean is it just okay to ask me to tolerate something I feel uncomfortable with? I have recently asked myself why I am having this issue with making my boundaries clear, and BAM, there it is. I remember so many situations from my childhood when I felt uncomfortable and was forced to shut up and let it happen. Basically this was when people I didn't know touched me, dentists, shoe shop assistants, hairdressers. I feel just awful, so angry, so hurt, violated and humiliated. Most of all humiliated by this non-acceptance of my boundaries. And even worse, she didn't even say it out loud. It was this silent guilt trip that makes me so nauseous.

Thanks anyone who read this. I really needed to get it out somehow

[Georgia Bridge]

... ...My mother is kind of like that.
I don't see her anymore (boundaries, I finally did it!), but I felt like I had to do what she said and (wow, what a surprise!) she always picked out things to do that she knew I felt uncomfortable doing. And if i dared say "no" she would start with the silent guilt trip thing too.

[CopperStar]

Well I have BPD, which for me comes with "volcano rage" issues. Like 99% of the time I am very chill and passive, but when I finally snap, I snap hard. It is an out-of-control rage that completely blows past my normal anxious, insecure side that would keep me silent and tolerating disrespect/abuse.

Because of this I have stood up to both of my parents (both abusers) in adulthood, not even by choice but because I just completely lost my ****.

I have to say that it's a part of BPD that I do not regret. Most of BPD sucks, don't get me wrong, but it did allow me to finally come exploding through the walls of disassociation and fear. Standing up to and fighting back against my abusers was an extremely cathartic and healing part of my journey.

So when I see people in your situation, I can't help but have a feeling of sort of.. cheering you on to stand up for yourself, to tell your mother how it really is. That she didn't care about your feelings or well-being as a child, and she obviously still doesn't care now, and you're sick of it, and not going to put up with it anymore. In the corner rooting for you.

[littleowl2006]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

Well I have BPD, which for me comes with "volcano rage" issues. Like 99% of the time I am very chill and passive, but when I finally snap, I snap hard. It is an out-of-control rage that completely blows past my normal anxious, insecure side that would keep me silent and tolerating disrespect/abuse.

Because of this I have stood up to both of my parents (both abusers) in adulthood, not even by choice but because I just completely lost my ****.

I have to say that it's a part of BPD that I do not regret. Most of BPD sucks, don't get me wrong, but it did allow me to finally come exploding through the walls of disassociation and fear. Standing up to and fighting back against my abusers was an extremely cathartic and healing part of my journey.

So when I see people in your situation, I can't help but have a feeling of sort of.. cheering you on to stand up for yourself, to tell your mother how it really is. That she didn't care about your feelings or well-being as a child, and she obviously still doesn't care now, and you're sick of it, and not going to put up with it anymore. In the corner rooting for you.

Thank you
I have lost my s*** with her so many times already, it just ticks her off and usually she abuses me verbally whenever we fight and then hangs up/leaves. It costs me so much strength and gets me nowhere. I can't confront her because of this, it just makes things worse and it has always been like that
My new strategy is just to be consequent, say NO and ignore her. But it weighs me down because I want her to get my frustration. But she won't change. And I don't want her to have that kind of power over me. It is sad.
If I had kids, I would support them in this situation and not behave like a total b****. I mean this really isn't a challenge when it comes to parenting - why would I let others abuse my child and be like that? How? Why are families like this???

[starfruit504]

I'm sorry to hear that. Just stay strong. Your boundaries are everything. The fact that she can't respect those boundaries is why she failed to protect you in the first place.

My relationship with my mother is similar. The abuse that I suffered as a child is something I don't like to talk about with her because she should have known what was happening -- or she totally knew and did nothing about it. For her I think she just can't wrap her head around the fact that sexual abuse happened literally across the room from her and she just can't believe she'd let that happen. Well, unfortunately, she did.

We're close, I love her, and I know she's sorry for being a sh** mom until I was about 27-28 years old. She beats herself up about it sometimes. But I think she still lives in denial of the sexual abuse itself, like it's compartmentalized in her mind so she doesn't have to think about it when she thinks of my childhood. It used to be infuriating but now it's just disappointing. It's a relationship fracture I just can't mend. Maybe family therapy would help.

[TishaBuv]

You all put it so well. I'm right here with you!
After yet another big blow out of no boundaries and disrespect, I am on the fence about going back to 'normal' and speaking to her again. I know it will just blow up again soon.

She is definitely the one that does and says the hurtful things to me, not the other way around. Yet she has me feeling like I am the one that is just too difficult to get along with because I get upset.

[vonmoxie]

People that are in conflict tend to behave pretty badly, and parents who didn't do enough to protect us or to teach us how to protect ourselves are naturally in conflict with themselves about that failure.

My mother is in her 80s and still in that cycle of conflict, still has no sense of boundaries and acts as though concerns I have are frivolous or stupid. What I can understand about it is, if I had somehow failed a child of mine in that regard, it might cause me to behave like a beast as well, because I'd hate myself. So I try to be compassionate towards the part of her that is dealing with that heartbreak, for my own sanity as much as anything. It doesn't always work, because her behaviors can be absolutely maddening, and sometimes she trips the wrong wire...

I don't know if there's any advice in here. Besides working on increasing your power in sticking up for yourself, just to hang in there I guess; because your level of awareness means you have the opportunity to be a better person, which I can tell you are already.

[Cat_Lover_58]

That's so very well put! I struggle with these things as well. I've decided that this holiday season, I am going to put my black & white thinking on hold temporarily. I'm giving myself a break. I'm the hurt inner & outer child and did nothing to warrant mom's behavior.

[littleowl2006]

Reading your responses and knowing that you guys with your similar experiences are out there gives me a comfort I never had. Thank you. I have been isolated with this craziness and pain for almost my entire life and it feels good to at least be able to talk about it here. <3 love and hugs to you all