I remember pieces of my babyhood

I feel like my mom has lied to me my whole life and hasn't always really, truly, unconditionally loved me. Or maybe she does but she hold resentment towards me.
She has recently admitted she didn't want kids before I was born. When she did have me, she got into an ugly divorce with my dad when I was about 1 or 2 years old.
But I remember being an infant. I know it sounds impossible. I sort of figure it's like a bad dream you can't get out of your head long after you wake up because it's information left in your brain that has yet to be resolved. Much of my baby memories are not happy. Except for when my mom went to someone's house for a visit. I was sort of half awake /half sleeping. I peeked my eyes open when the person answered the door loudly. My mom hushed him and told him I was sleeping.
I remember what baby food tastes like and being fed in my highchair.
My mom singing Alouette while pushing me in my stroller.
That's about the last of the good memories.
I remember sitting in my highchair and I would throw peas at my dad, I think I was a toddler. He would get angry. I felt scared and unloved.

But more scarily is this memory that has cropped up recently. I remember my mom holding me and she just dropped me onto the floor. I remember how much it hurt and the shock I felt. This came to me after telling someone I fell off the change table. I know I remember this when I was younger but just never thought of it since. I'm pretty sure she was the one that dropped me. Or did she? I remember it like a dream where I see myself. But I could feel it.
I remember a lot of bad dreams I had. All were having to do with some pretty disturbing things my mom did (in the dream /not real life). I've never told them to anyone.
She was always concerned about finding and keeping men in her life. She wasn't a horrible, terrible neglectful person. She would make couch forts for me, take me out on long walks, to the park, many places. She would involve me in cooking and cleaning.
But when it came to relationships and arguments with my dad and her boyfriends, husbands they would just shout in front of me. I hated it, of course, and it just scared me. As I got older, into my teens and adulthood, she would take it out on me. It's just weird.
I'm just pondering if she dropped me, though. Or if it was a bad dream I had from the trauma of falling off the change table.

I often wonder why I DONT have more childhood memories, probably cause if I remembered I would be a lot more damaged than I am now! I do have a few memories, snippets really, of time when I was either 3 or just turning 4 years old. My dad said I remember a lot more than he expected. I was just wondering and reading about earliest memories yesterday, wondering how early you can actually have memories. So, it is interesting that you post this. Very interesting.

It's the trauma. You remember because it was traumatic. I don't doubt that you have memories from this early in life. Some trauma survivors do and some don't, sometimes our brains do us the favor of blocking those memories out. Meanwhile people with no trauma history may not remember anything before first grade.

You found yourself in a scary, seemingly unsafe situation and your mind went to work trying to figure out what to do. All that anxiety and cortisol cemented the memory in your mind.

I can remember my life as early as 2 or 3 and that's when the sexual abuse began. My earliest memory is of being beaten for trying to tell on my abuser.

How accurate are these memories? That's hard to say. You were very young and nothing is obvious to a toddler or baby - everything is new and pretty confusing. What you can rely on is your feelings that are wrapped up in that memory, the feeling of being scared and unsafe.

Your mother may have made some mistakes. Even stupid mistakes. But all moms make mistakes. It's unfortunate she was more focused on meeting men than being a good mom. We don't always get the parents we deserve. Some people just don't realize that a relationship with their child is forever, whereas romance may come and go.

My mom also put her men first. If she started dating tomorrow, I'd hear from her 100 percent less. She also pitted me in the middle of her marriage when my dad started cheating on her, making me out to be a troubled teen so he'd get more involved with the family again. I love her nevertheless. She's a better person now even if she's not the best mother/friend in the world.

Thank you for getting my perspective.