Stepdad Attracted to Me? What to Do?

I've known my stepdad since I was 5 or so, and he lived with my mom and me since I was 10 or so. I'm 22 now and in college, living with my mom still.

I noticed a few months ago that my stepdad would stare at my cleavage and mumble gross things under his breath when he thought no one heard. I've heard things how about he likes my body and breasts, usually derogatory things like "nice ***." I can't always make out the words, because he usually waits until he thinks I'm not listening. I have two more strange examples I can remember clearly.

Once, after bumping into him to get a midnight snack, I heard him talking to himself about how he liked my breasts. His exact words were: "They look so soft. I just want to put my hands on them." There was no one else in the house when he did that, so I knew it was about me. Plus, I admit I was wearing a thin nightie.

One time I asked him to fix my TV, and when he walked away, I heard him mumble, "Damn, she's gorgeous."

Now that I'm becoming paranoid, I notice him staring more and more when my back is turned. The worst is when I walk up the stairs, and he just... watches me walk up, then talks to himself again. WTF is that about? Is this creepy or just a guy's nature?

I should point out: He's NEVER touched me. Ever. I doubt he knows that I overhear him, because he always waits until he thinks I've gone upstairs to mumble about me or until I go into another room.

I don't want to tell him I'm aware of this because has an explosive temper. And I don't want to tell my mom because she's incredibly stressed out already and is about to be laid off. I couldn't bear telling her this. Worse, what if she doesn't believe me?

And it's not just what he says. It's HOW he says it. There's this weird, breathy, sexual tone to his words. It's disturbing and I can't stand this feeling of not being comfortable in my own home.

Am I overreacting to this, or am I right to be completely and utterly creeped out?

Please help.

I don't think you are over reacting. He sounds creepy.

I don't know really what you should do. If you had not said that he has an explosive temper I would suggest confronting him but not so sure that is best if he might hurt you. What exactly has he said or done that makes you say he has a temper? Is he abusive toward your mom?

How much longer until you graduate from college?

It's odd to me that he's mumbling it out loud... usually people just say those things in their head. It's almost like he wants you to hear? I could be wrong but it just seems weird that he would say it out loud and not in his head.

What should you do? Speak to someone - yes, it'll be hard, but tell your mother or, if you're not comfortable with that tell a friend or counsellor. You could call a helpline to speak with someone who can assess your situation and respond appropriately. His behavior sounds totally inappropriate for a step father.

That is creepy. It's also wrong, abnormal, abusive and amounts to sexual harassment. Don't be confused, what he is doing is overtly sexual and inappropriate, there's nothing nonsexual about it.

You need to tell someone of authority immediately. Tell your mother, no matter how hard that seems. Counseling is free to students at universities, so you could speak with a therapist there who could have real concrete steps for you to take. If there isn't an immediate intervention on your mother's part you should report it to police.

You need to get him out of your household or get yourself out of the household. His inappropriate behavior isn't lessening and could escalate.

I grew up in a similar situation. Don't make the mistake of thinking this is normal. Appropriate dads and stepdads don't do this. They have appropriate boundaries and would never sexualize a daughter or stepdaughter. You shouldn't have this disgusted feeling at the pit of your stomach. Girls in normal homes don't have that creepy, disturbed feeling about their father or stepfather - just people like you and me. It took me a long long time to learn that.

Hey. To answer your question about his temper, I'd say that he's the kind of person who starts screaming and throwing things across the room and hits things (the fridge, walls, etc). The worst is when he threw a microwave into the wall. He just seems unable to control himself, like throwing his laptop across the room and stuff (after he couldn't fix it). He's not abusive towards my mom at all. Their arguments are pretty hostile and ugly, but I couldn't tell you if it's past normal or not.

I don't graduate college for a while, as I'm a little behind. I'm really kicking myself about that now, 'cause if I was graduating on time, I'd be out of this mess in May.

Thanks for answering.

I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from. You're right on about the disgusted feeling in the stomach.

I wonder about the situation escalating, but I doubt it because I've lived with him for years before. Or maybe he just recently become attracted? I have lost some weight recently, so maybe that was it? I really have no idea how long it's been going on.

I only caught on maybe a year ago, and I made up some phony excuse to live with my dad across town. Unfortunately, I had to move out of my dad's place because he had problems with a live-in girlfriend hooked on drugs. So I moved back in my with mom, and now this happens again. I hate feeling like I have nowhere to go.

Do you think things could escalate with my stepdad? Besides all this, he's totally normal and supportive most of the time. And he's never said this stuff to my face, besides regular compliments when my mom's around or something.

Is there any way you could talk to your biological dad maybe? Does he still have a girlfriend? Can you stress to him how important it is that you need to get out of that house. This could really blow up at any time & you need to protect yourself.
Do you have a local women's center? They are a fantastic resource! Just to have someone to talk to. Maybe you don't wanto talk to your mom by yourself. They can help you w/that.
I'm thinking IMHO, that when your mom hears this news she will be saddened that you didn't come to her right away. Give your mom a chance to help you. Don't hide this. Please!

The behavior you describe in him doesn't sound normal at all.

Its not normal behaviour. Make sure you are well covered up when hes around. Keep out of his company as much as is possible, put a lock on your door. Could you manufacture a boyfriend would that help?

My father got creepy when I was 16.

Well, apparently he finds you extremely attractive. My suggestion is that you do not dress in ways that accentuate yourself sexually when you are around him. Make it a point to minimize the appeal you seem to exude to him. Some men do have harder times controlling themselves. Young women exude more than just physical beauty, they also exude faramones that a man can pick up on that arouse them. At 22 you are well within your reproductive stage so your body by nature alone will be expressing that in ways a lot of women simply do not really realize. He was attracted to your mother for similar reasons and you are most likely exuding the same faramones your mother did that had attracted him.

Nature designed us to reproduce, that is what nature is all about and we do send out chemical messages we are not even aware of.

You may have to eventually find a different place to live, away from this stepdad.

It's so disgusting to me that we are suggesting ways for her to protect herself instead of suggesting ways for him to stop the behavior.

Not getting angry at you or anything just something I noticed with a few of the other comments. Makes it sound like it's her fault (It's NOT) because of the way she dresses.

Agreed!

You should not be held responsible for your step father's behaviour.

Teaching women how to protect themselves from sexual predators is not the answer, the responsibility resides with the sexual predator not to attack and assault women. Rather than telling young women and girls to protect themselves from rapists, let's teach young men and boys not to rape!

You don't need to change how you dress, what you say or do, you don't need to change anything about you. You have done nothing wrong. Men can, and should, control themselves perfectly well and if they can't then that is most definitely their problem, not yours.

He sounds abusive. Throwing things, a microwave at a wall, is violent and threatening, and this is abuse. I would totally trust your gut instinct on this. If you don't feel safe around him, then try and get somewhere safe, maybe stay at a friends. I agree with Thingwithfeathers that it would be good to talk to someone professional about the situation.
I hope you can get somewhere where you don't feel threatened, and soon.
Sending you hugs if you want them!

If you start changing how you dress, how you look at your body, how you talk etc...all bec of your step dad this starts a slippery slope of mental health issues & body issues.
Totally agree!

I agree she should not have to be careful how she dresses, but realistically she is stuck living with this stepfather and he is looking at her in way a father should not, so being PC about it will not help.
So best to keep away as much as possible and cover up.
A decent step father would NOT consider his daughter a possible partner. Boundaries forbid it. The fellows a nasty creep.

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I just recently had to move out of my mom and step-dad's house because of his behavior. Nothing at all like you're going through, but while my step-dad was never an angry person and never drank, all of a sudden he is drunk and angry and screaming all the time. I left because his behavior was so drastically different that he became unpredictable. It's really hard to see someone you once respected turn into a monster. I recommend leaving and finding a place that certainly will be safe. Find a way.

But really before you do anything you should get a professional's opinion with step-by-step directions about how to go about this and what to do if things get unsafe.

Agreed, it may not be fair that she has to change her appearance but she needs to err on the side of caution if she is going to stay in that house.

This is not about being pc, it's about not victim blaming. Sexual harassment and abuse is not about how she dresses or behaves, it's about his behaviour.

Back on topic, I highly recommend you call a helpline. I don't know where you're from, but many countries have specific sexual assault helplines. You need someone who knows about these things and the law to help you or tp refer you on.

Victim blaming or not its still common sense to cover up because this warped father will use the slightest excuse to say it's her fault.
The idea you can wear anything you like and that's OK is not realistic.
You on judged on appearance all the time not fair maybe, but it's how it is.

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The reason you can't rule out the possibility that things could escalate is the fact that he's done nothing to change his behavior. This mumbling thing is troubling because *unless his IQ is like 70* he has to know there's a chance you or anyone else could hear it -- and you have in fact heard his comments many times now. This is a grown man, who presumably has a job and participated in social scenarios his whole life. He knows what's inappropriate to say and he knows when other people can HEAR him. He may be testing the water to see if you'll say something about his behavior. The fact that you don't say or do anything could be a sign to him that you don't mind it -- I'm not saying that's okay, but that's the kind of faulty logic that happens in people with poor boundaries.

Maybe the weight loss has something to do with it (and congrats on the weight loss!) but it's still not an excuse.

As supportive as he may be otherwise, he's totally fallen down on the job here. You should never feel this way in your own home or with your own family. It's not a difficult task to NOT sexualize your stepchild. So I'd argue he's a terrible parent. You may think he's not the worst person in the world, but he's not a good parent at all.

Someone needs to lay down the law even if it will presumably hurt his feelings -- your feelings certainly haven't been taken into consideration here. You've been treated like a piece of meat and it needs to stop.

Sometimes we see all the good in people around us and that's a healthy way to be, but his behavior is too detrimental to ignore. He doesn't get this special consideration anymore because he's been sexually harassing you.

I know people are telling you to "cover up" but naturally we already do this when we live in this kind of household. I'm sure nunya has already taken measures to avoid her stepfather's gaze because it disgusts her so. There are so many things that I still can't wear because I can feel my father's gaze or hear the things he would say. I don't even change clothes in front of other people, not even my husband.

I think this is a lot more serious than someone just being creepy. This is her home and she needs her boundaries respected.

His behavior is totally inappropriate and creepy. Get out of there before he rapes you. Can you go life with a friend? Once you are out, tell your mother, so that it doesn't blow up while you are still in the house. She should be warned about his problems so she can protect herself. Besides, she may not believe you. Be safe.

He doesn't need an excuse. Whatever she does, whatever she wares, it is not, and never will be, her fault. This is on him, not her.

Please take 5 mins to read and watch this - If robbery victim were treated like a rape victim.

If Reporting A Robbery Was Like Reporting A Rape

It's not her fault. He has been her father since she was five.
It's his fault he is a violent self centred creep.
That don't change the fact that she needs to protect herself as best she can.
Cover up, keep away as much as you can and leave as soon as possible.
It would be good if she could tell her mother, but only she knows if that is a viable idea.

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