Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm writing this to tell you that you have put me in a spot that has brought up so much pain inside. Its not just your actions, but its that you have made me love you so much, that I hate myself. I have no way to explain why what happened happened, that I can not hate you. Dad runs the town, and mom is like Martha Stewart. You both are so loved, and what person exposes what their parents have done. Surely someone horrible.

Mom, you knew i was bad all along. and taught me that. Dad, you are the reason I don't feel in my skin.. I never wanted to be. So the whole thing worked out. I feel horrible, and cant be mad at you. Even now, its like I'm whispering this inside softly. Thats why the only thing I'm most upset about is the fact that I can't get mad at you both. I want to hate you - if just for a while.
With both love and hate,
your daughter

[MissCharlotte]

(((((Esther)))))

You are not bad....You have given me so much support, so i know that for sure. Your kind words have helped me.

Please try to love yourself, even if for a little bit, each day. And let parents just be. So you can work on you. It's ok to hate them right now, as I hate mine too. I know, the pain is unbearable, but if we keep working through it and trying we will heal. We have to believe that.

Love and Hugs to you.

[tranquility]

((((((((((((Esther))))))))))))))))

You make sense to me - I know even if we tell you you're not bad, it's how you feel right now. But it's true - you are a good person and you didn't deserve what happened to you.

I'm glad you were able to express that today

Tranquility

ES, That is so agnosing, when our parents appear like perfect citizens and inside we are dying!! Remember once upon a time your life depended on loving them as you needed them, now you don't, you are grown, you can use that love and give it to yourself. People earn our love NOW!

Thanks sister, I'm not sure why needing permission to be mad is so needed right now, but it is.

Tranquility - You are right. There is little ppl can say to change you inside, but I do wish close friend could help me feel more special

Mouse - I wish i didnt need them. sometimes it feels like I have hole in my heart but they cant fill it. I keep wanting them to, or aching for someone else to. It all makes me feel so worthless that no one wants to fill that need, but I look around and so many others have a host of ppl to make them feel special and needed.

I'm rambling.. only got 3 hours of sleep last night.
ev

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( esthersvirtue )))))))))))))))))

thanks fuzzy ((((((((hugs back to you))))))))

BUT EV, you are filling that need in you. You are doing what you need to do, by reaching out for support. I think its a myth that people don't need people. We are all interdependent on each other, no man is an island???? Its not always about warm and fuzzy hugs its about doing what we need to do to take care of our needs. OUr needs change as we grow!

Its ok to need! its a normal human response! When I beat myself up for needing help I am being abusive to myself.

Take care!

Thanks mouse,

That really makes sense. I appreciate the support.

the ambivalence about love/hate is tormenting and relentless.

(((( EV ))))

[Fuzzybear]

"When I beat myself up for needing help I am being abusive to myself"...