Emotional blackmail

I was physically and verbally abused by my mother and my T says there is a huge element of physical and emotional neglect too.

I found out recently that my mother has a heart condition.

The problem is I know that this is just going to be used to get me to reinstate contact through emotional blackmail.

My mother is a very competent play actor, victim and manipulative game player- she will be able to turn it all around so that I come across as a b**ch for not taking the olive branch as some in my family don't understand the level of abuse I suffered at her hands or refuse to remember what that time was like or how I feel about any of it.

There is already so much going on this Christmas that is anxiety provoking and really difficult, but I fear this is going to push me over the edge if I'm right and either my mother or my other family members think we need to make peace because of her heart condition.

Quite frankly I'm surprised they found a heart for her to have a condition! The woman is vile and toxic and I have a 7 year old daughter to think about.

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Does it matter that much in the end what other people think? You have be at peace and live a life free from abuse. Her having a heart condition doesn't change that. Just my two bobs worth, for what it's worth. Sending hugs.

Hi,

I don't think I care necessarily what my family think.

My family is very 'them' vs 'me and my dad' and relationships are fragile and fleeting and that is all surrounding my mother as the central figure.

Basically - Upset her and the rest of my family follow leaving me the outcast.

Sometimes I think it is good not having contact, even without my mother this Xmas is going to be really hard for me and the family we are seeing (it's a long story - it's not entirely his fault but my brother abused me too but only he and I know).

But I stand to lose my younger siblings (13 and 9) and my nephews (5 and 3) and my daughter absolutely adores her cousins, for a child with autism who doesn't really make many connections with people- it is a big thing.

So there is a lot more to it than just what they think. It's what more I will lose for refusing to allow her back in my life

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It sounds like there is lots of things to consider; the kids being the biggest thing to think about. I have been the outcast in my family my whole life, that's exactly how my mother wanted it, so I am used to it now. And I have been through a lot of soul searching in deciding to go no contact with my sister and low contact with my mother. (Not that they would, they couldn't give a toss!) so I guess I am just a bit further down the road. I do understand the emotional tug-of-war you are experiencing and I wish you all the best in deciding what works for you.

Something to bear in mind is that usually in a family with abuse, there are enablers - people who don't actively abuse you, but who passively condone the abuse and turn a blind eye, people who will invalidate and betray you in order to maintain their own emotional comfort.

So these people's opinions of you are not worth anything. Enablers make morally wrong choices but think their hands are clean since they didn't actively participate. Then they furthermore expect you to suffer so that they can remain wrapped in the comforting blankets of denial.

In essence these are selfish, cowardly people who lack a healthy ethical code. Their opinion of you is no more valuable than your mother's opinion.

I totally agree, but their opinion is not so much of an issue- but the kids involved, complicates things.
My daughter, my 2 young nephews and my 13 and 9 year old siblings. Also other relationships which would suffer.

If that wasn't the case this would be easy, a no brainer... But it isn't that simple. Things were much easier before we had kids

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You really want your kids around some selfish enablers of abuse?

Sounds like you need to tap into your primal instincts. You say the opinions don't matter and that it's about your kids, but I don't completely buy it. Not that I think you're lying or something like that, but it seems like more of a denial thing. These people invalidated you and enabled your abuse, and now they want to do it some more. But you're going to expose your children to these people, for the sake of your children? Stop! Think about it for a moment. You're caught in the cycle.

I think it is a little more complicated than that. My brother wasn't an abuser or enabler he was a child and therefore not responsible for her abuse in any way.. He has been under our mothers thumb for a long time, and to avoid abuse from her cuts contact with us.

So I am not sure you are entirely correct. Unless I am in such denial I really can't see what you mean

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Your fear (likely based on previous experiences) is that your family members will expect you to make peace with your abusive mother, i.e. pressure and guilt-trip you into it.

What this means / would mean is that those family members are enablers of abuse, deniers of abuse, and invalidating of your well-being and emotions. It would mean that they are selfish, cowardly people who don't really care about you, but rather care more about being on momma's good side, i.e. getting approval from the abuser.

If your brother as a grown-@ss adult does not acknowledge the abuse you suffered and expects you to make peace with your abuser, then as an adult yes he is an enabler (because the emotional abuse is still on-going) and yes he is a selfish coward who doesn't care about your well-being more than he cares about his own comfort zone.

Now you can like and love your brother, but it doesn't change the reality of the situation.

I actually had a very similar situation with my brother. I was the scapegoat child and he was the golden child. So while my brother didn't abuse me in a willful way, he sure as hell did invalidate me and play his part in the games. And newsflash that's emotional abuse. My brother and I did not have a genuine, good adult relationship until I put a stop to that ****.

Fair comment. I can see what you mean now. I think that it is quite cowardly but you underestimate my mothers ability to play the victim and turn it to me. Sure there is an element that will be his not wanting to get abuse himself as a primal thing, but he wouldn't willingly put my child at risk and neither would I.

If it did come down to it I would cut contact with my brother for my daughters sake. I wouldn't allow contact with my mother for the reason that she is a manipulative and morally corrupt oxygen thief.

But it wouldn't stop me mourning the loss of that relationship and the other relationships.

I hope it doesn't get to that point.

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That's hilarious!

Some things can't be hashed out. Some hatchets can be buried. Many people don't want to believe that but I presume those people haven't conceived of just how deeply abuse wounds a person.

You have to mourn the loss of any relationship. You have to honor those feelings. That's the road to healing. You deserved a good mom and a good family. We all do. When it doesn't happen we need to grieve that loss.

So you weren't born to enable or take abuse. Neither was I! You wouldn't really be ousted from your family, you're already not in the doormat/enabler club.

You do have to think about your daughter, but your happiness does actually come first, it matters a lot to our children -- studies show that in many ways kids are as happy as their parents are. If you're getting emotionally abused by your mom, or guilted or invalidated by your other family members, that turmoil sends a shudder through your own family unit.

I'm no contact with my abusive Dad and I might not even know if he was dxed with a heart condition, or even died. But I know I'm one of those people who has to start family from scratch, it'll be a little one and I'll have to grow it with the values (respect, dignity, kindness, gratitude) that I identify with. It's not a big club, but it's a righteous and peaceful club.

Yes - if I do lose the family i am in contact with now it will hurt. But I will give them up to protect myself and my daughter. And quite frankly it wouldn't be the first time

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