Is this normal? Tried talking about abuse in session...

I'm in my mid-30's and have always felt like something was off about my childhood... I had significant emotional issues starting around age 8. I am working on this in therapy, and I recently started thinking about a memory that I've had for a long time, but it's never really hit me like it did a couple of weeks ago. I realized that actually what happened was rape with an object by a babysitter and family friend (I think I was around 5 or 6). I have been working with my therapist on a whole host of issues, and we have finally reached a point where I felt like I needed to talk about it with him. I read a journal entry to him at our last session, and then I had an awful week with panic attacks and horrible anxiety. Last night, he tried approaching the subject, and I was trying to get it out but it was really hard to say the words. He was trying to be reassuring, but I just felt blank. I felt nothing, even when I finally was able to get out a few of my thoughts. I don't think I completely blacked out or anything because I do remember the session. It just felt like I was completely numb. I'm so afraid that my therapist is going to think I wasn't being honest about what happened. He seemed very supportive and I remember him trying to reassure me, but looking back it was like the whole session was just a blur. I drive over an hour home, and I remember the drive feeling like I was in a complete fog. This morning, I feel ok, but still just confused and upset by it.

Has anyone experienced that when you tried to talk about it for the first time?? I trust my therapist very much, so I don't understand why I just shut down when I wanted to talk about it and just get it out of my head.

Thank you...

Yes I get this with traumatic memories. I begin to talk about it and then my words go. I want to say more words but I can't and then it's like I focus on something but nothing and it is normally broken by T saying something like "what is going on for you" and I struggle to explain.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I feel that way every time I'm telling my psychotherapist about a new memory I've remembered and my stepdad also dissociates after trying to express something bad that happened in his past; I don't know if it's normal, but you're definitely not alone in it

To me, it sounds like a type of dissociation. And yes, it is very common in abuse survivors who are talking about a traumatic event. Grounding techniques help. Does your t know about trauma work? Does your t offer these?

The first time it happened to me in session - when I tried to explain something about the first time I was abused, my t noticed straight away and brought me back by asking me to describe the trees out the window. She brought me back, told me that she could see how difficult it is for me to speak about and changed the topic so that I wasn't being retraumatised. We have slowly slowly approached the topic and I am able to articulate things better than at the beginning. I've been seeing my t for 3 years now and still haven't talked about the abuse in detail with her yet. That will come, as I need to talk about it to heal and rid the fear and shame.

Traumatic memories are stored differently than other memories. It is hard to talk about them as they are often stored in way where language is very difficult to connect with the traumatic events that occurred.

If you type in trauma and language you will find a number of articles etc. that explains this concept.

First... Second.... Third.... And on! My head is thinking the words but I just can't get them to come out my mouth. Im usually completely emotionless too. Last time it happened, my T suggest typing it out on my phone - that worked really well- so I think the phone will be used when my mouth fails!

Thank you all so much for responding. It helps to know that it's typical to feel this way, even though it's so uncomfortable. I just want to send out hugs for those that want them.