mum i would like a hug from you tonight. to have safe and loving arms around me. but they weren't safe. they pushed me into the arms of a paedophile and a pervert. yet you left me with them both several times. you stole my childhood. you stole my self pride, dignity, virginity, self esteem, confidence, me. you stole me.
you try to make amends, yet if i called you now to come and hug me you would be half cut on the bottle of whiskey you drink evry night.
you've paid for me to go to spain. i am grateful, but you will be getting the money back at some point i will make sure. you tell me you love me now. too late. i needed your love and protection when i was being violated and emotionally abused by you and your lover.
i love you still because you are my mum. but i despise you at the same time. i know you are sorry. you said sorry a few weeks ago. you cried. but you still kept in touch with him for years afterwards didn't you. knowing what he did.
my relationships all my life have been %#@&#! up because of him. my relationships with my kids now are suffering because of this damned depression that will not go away. now my family are being torn apart. where does it end.
i am in hell right now. in and out of hell for months. i dont like being in hell.
i dont like myself, i dont like my life, i dont want to do anything. i wish i had succeeded 6 weeks ago. wish i was already dead.
i dont understand this illness. i was so happy at the weekend. and the week before that. now hell clasps me in its jaws again. i was even talking about going back to work.
3 weeks til new meds kick in - if they do - is this any way to be? living like a stupid selfish sad self pitying *****? no.
where did kerry go. kerry went to a place she now cant find anymore. dont know who i am why i'm here how much longer it will be like this. why did you ever have to meet him. why why why why why.
from god knows who anymore.

<font color="#000088">My Mom didn't drink,but she did allow my brother to molest and rape me,and my sister,for many years,since we were babies. Just because her father did it to her,she felt it was only fair we got it to. So she just turned the other way and let it happen,and hid it from my Dad. We were threatened that we weren't to tell my Dad,or it would only get worse for us. Until I got older and I finally stood up to my Mom,and I actually hit her,and she hit the floor.I told her if I ever saw her hurting my little brothers again,I'd kill her. Well she stopped hurting my brothers,and she told my Dad I hit her.So I told him why.
After talking to my brothers,and my sister(she was living on the east coast at this time),he came to me and thanked me for telling him what she had been doing to his children all those years. He ended up Divorcing her,and took her out of his "Will".She was so mad at me,because I wasn't supposed to tell,but I wasn't going to let her continue the abuse.And I didn't want the pedophile brother getting his hands on my little brothers.I had to stop her,before it was too late for them.
So,I understand you're rage towards your Mom,I have a lot as well,I'm always wishing she would pass away soon,just to give me some peace,and my sister! </font>

[Irine]

ho my God..i am so sorry for you guys....

i wish you all the best. hope you will get rid of the bad feeligs. i believe that we all have the power to deal with everything God puts us through.

so i really hope for you the bad will soon go away.....

(((((((((((((((love and hugs to you both))))))))))))))

thankyou for replying

love, jinnyann xoxoxoxoxxo

(((((((((((hugs to you all)))))))))))
I know sometimes its like having a hole in your heart. Don't let it keep you from knowing you are special. You are.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))))))


Fuzzy

((((((((((jinnyann)))))))))))

I know it's hard,but here's a hug from a friend!

(((((((((((((((((((hug sand love))))))))))))))))

thankyouui needed those hugs

jinny xoxoxoxoxo

[dalila]

<font color="green">My Heart Yearns For My Mommy

I sought my soul in your eyes
I found my comfort in your smell
It was to you I directed my cries
The sound of your heart meant all was well

You were my world my very life
Why did you stop loving me?
Why did you sever our bond like a knife?
When did you stop wanting me?

Was I too demanding? Too needy?
Did my baby beauty fade away?
Were my toddler demands too greedy?
How did your love I betray?

It hurts so bad that you don’t love me.
The ache reaches into my soul.
My heart yearns for my mommy,
Without you, I cannot be whole.

</font>

[Juliaspavlov]

love to you Jinnyann..... if only we could go back in time and be there for ourselves. I wish Dr Who were true or something like that.I also have been thinking of writing it as a book to go back and be an auty in my childhood .Then teach myself how to get the right help. But that book is far too hard to write. My mum wasnt there for me the only girl with 6 bros. but i understand she was pregnant 15 times.......I think only present love can help us.....Keep up your good work of being there for others......hope love is there for you too. I know PC loves you ,Ive seen it. .....luv Jjulia.