[mzsurnuage]

I'm currently going through the most difficult time in my life and sometimes feel like I'm trapped. I am currently 25 years old and came out to my family as gay at age 16. My parents are conservative and needless to say, they took it negatively! I told my father first because I thought he was a pragmatic man and that he would understand, and at first it seemed like he accepted it, but I think that he was just worried I would hurt myself following several fake suicide attempts that I made if he reacts negatively! One month later, I told my mother, and this time the reaction was completely different! Yelling, Crying, you name it! I don't remember how many days passed, but I made another fake suicide attempt! It was my way of telling them I need you, don't leave me! However, this time I went a little too far and the dose of medication I took resulted in a serious drop in blood pressure and I was very close to actually dying! I stayed in the hospital for a few days, and was then transferred to a mental healthcare facility for teenagers (I've already been to one before I came out to my father as gay about 2 months earlier, when I made the first fake suicide attempt). I stayed there for a few weeks and by the time I was about to leave my morale high! I had many ambitions and was eager to get out and start a new life! However, my parents had other plans for me! As soon as I got out of the center, they told me that they had arranged for a vacation in ******! My psychologist felt there was something fishy going on and asked if I was sure I wanted to go on that vacation. I had total trust in parents and I must say I was a very naïf person at the time! We went on vacation but I was never allowed to return! They took me to a charlatan who claims to "cure" homosexuality by Homeopathy! Despite my numerous please to return home, she refused and told me that me being gay would pose a problem to the family and damage their reputation! She kept pressuring me until I accepted to continue seeing the charlatan. Several months later, we traveled to my mother's home country in Africa, where I completed high school, and started higher education! By that time there was a part of me that felt like this could work, I could become straight! After all, my life would be a lot easier and my family would remain by my side! I started having some sort of schizophrenia where at time I felt like it was possible, especially at times where there wasn't a lot of social interaction going on, and other times when I felt like it wasn't possible, especially when I was around attractive men! Since that vacation I was always in a state of mild depression, I hardly ever laughed! I tried religion to keep me going!
After I completed higher education, my mother asked me if I was ok with arranged marriage! I accepted because I wanted her to be proud! Luckily, the marriage has been delayed due to war in my mother's hometown.
The past year has been a year of change for me, I feel like I grew up by at least 10 years. It feels like I had an awakening call! I put my entire life on the table and decided to be honest with myself! I lost my faith in God, and decided that this marriage nonsense had to stop! I was 24, hardly had any friends, zero social life, no career... I started to gay associations, bars and clubs, and realized I wasn't that antisocial person that I thought I was, I felt at ease and made many friends in no time! I started body building, I met someone, and I significantly gained confidence in myself! However, since I told my parents that this marriage will not take place, they have been putting immense pressure on me to change my mind! Since I am a foreigner here in France, and since the forced "vacation" resulted in my residency being cancelled, my current residency status doesn't allow me to work and the work permit paperwork is taking longer than expected! I'm therefore completely dependent on my parents for financial support until I get my work permit! I'm forced to live in a house where I get insulted and yelled at almost every day! I have dept to the bank, and I can't pay my doctor visits (social security paperwork taking longer than expected as well!) I feel trapped! I don't know what to do! I'm constantly stressed, and anxious!

[Skeezyks]

Hello mzsurnuage: I am sorry you are having to live in such difficult circumstances. Unfortunately I don't think I can really offer any useful suggestions. Are there any LGBTQ organizations, counselors or support groups you could access? I don't know anything about social services in France. In the U.S. there are sometimes not-for-profit organizations that offer free or income-based services for people who are low income.

I have some small sense of what you are feeling. I have lived an entire lifetime trapped in a life that was not who I felt myself to be. (I'll spare you the details...) But you do have your entire life still ahead of you. And it is vitally important that you be true to yourself. Living someone else's life is a prescription for misery, take my word for it. I wish you well...

[Open Eyes]

((((mzsurnage))))),

I am so sorry your parents are struggling to accept you the way you want them to. You did the right thing by refusing to live your life to please them and get married when that is clearly not the kind of lifestyle that would make you happy.

It is understandable that it is so difficult to be dependent on them and have to deal with them showing you so much displeasure because you are not giving into them. At this point, try to do whatever you have to in order to get your residency status back so you can move forward with your life and become independent. You have so much education already, good for you, just keep focusing on moving forward and do your best to come to an inner acceptance that your parents simply do not understand that what they are demanding of you is wrong. Keep in mind that you have learned that once you are in the company of others that can relate to who you are, you do fine. That is important because you should not be considering taking your life or even faking it to convince your parents they need to accept who you are, they simply cannot and you are not alone with that challenge, so many before you have been challenged with that.

[mzsurnuage]

Thanks for your support! I think I will survive!