Inability to feel emotions due to abuse

I read your story. People are SICK. Why do people do what they do. I can understand how your upbringing has impacted your life.

Any thing of mine that you read, will likely be triggering. I seem to have a way of doing that. Feel free to check those threads out, and any one here is welcome to read through my statistics. In short, the titles alone should give you a general idea of what is going on. Lots of it is spousal abuse related. A lot of it is rape related to.

Currently I am having issues with repressed memories of CSA. I am having partial flashbacks, and memories of things that make no sense. I once told someone it is like somebody took several puzzles and dumped them in by brain and mixed them all up, then threw in some pieces that don;t even go to those puzzles. I didn't get to see what the puzzles looked like before they got dumped in there. So I am kinda left with a million puzzle pieces and no picture to go by. I turn each piece around and around in my head and wonder if it is really supposed to be part of the picture or not. That's the only way I know how to explain it.

Totally understand the puzzle pieces! I wake up some mornings and know I've dreamed something that is relevant but I can't get to it. Don't remember anything of it...just that weird dejavu feeling that I do know it. So aggravating!!

Also, I have the fragmented puzzle pieces and strain my mind to put them together. In the back of my mind I'm wondering if I'm missing some. That's where the time loss screws with my head.

I pray for healing for you and myself.

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Man. I get that feeling all the time. I hate it. I remember small things like camping. (We used to camp as a family and extended family, before we knew that my uncle was a petefile) Why do I keep dreaming of that campground? I wake up and know there was something I was supposed to remember. The answer that helps unlock all this mess and I can't remember what it is to save my life.

or WHO is that mans face? (i only see part of a face) Whose nasty crooked teeth are those, or who does that laugh belong to? I can see it and feel it, but can't make since of it. It is so frustrating.

I keep a dream notebook by my bed. Any time i wake up and have dreamed something relevant, I write it down. Any time I am off in laa laa land and I "see" something of relevance then I write it down. Eventually I end up with a book of clues. One of these days I gonna have enough pieces to that puzzle to work it and make it make since. My T says don't push for that. Once you know the truth you can;t take it back. Sometimes we are better off not knowing.

Good luck with this. I hope we all find the answers we are looking for, if God means us to find them.

I agree. If it's important that I know, then I trust what I see will not shatter my soul. Who I am now, although I'm not really sure who that is at this point. I do trust.

I've been taken to my knees with fragments that I didn't understand. I lifted them up with everything I had inside of me. There was a vision of a fire with colors that I've never seen in my uplifted hands that burnt the fear and panic away. The images are still there in the outskirts of my mind, but they don't have the hurt or panic that was there before. Again, I trust. I surely don't understand and may never. If I can find peace and safety, that is what my heart longs for.

Peace and safety.

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Wanted to share this with you!! It's speaks to my heart!!



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Oh goodness, you really didnt have to. I hope its wasnt triggering!

I dont get triggered by content...unsure why. I just havent had a chance to yet, I still belong to a site I was on before i came here so juggling the two w/ messages and work and stuff.

I tend to as well cuz I need to write oh my content graphically...just helps me to get it "out there" and out of me but since most are triggered by content, i tend to trigger most.

My triggers are around doing something "wrong" or "bad" and abandonment...also not being accepted.

Im sorry you had to go through all of that!

I know how that feels. I forced myself to forget early yrs, the rest i pushed down and told myself wasnt true for 10 yrs stayed in denial (you tend to believe yourself) and when i got to my therapist 7 yrs ago i had pieces, huge pieces were missing, and a few false memories (what happened was correct, whom did it wasnt) and so i know how that feels.

The memories are now all correct & crisp but that took yrs.

My brain still feels like a mesh-racetrack most of the time.

This is my song, my ringtone, my inspration. The link is the song, will post the lyrics here too:



Fight Song by Rachel Platten

Like a small boat on the ocean
Sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things
I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice?

This time this is my fight song
Prove I'm alright song
Take back my life song
My powers turned on
Starting right now
I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care
If nobody else believes
Cause I've still got
A lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and
I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep they say
I'm in too deep
And it's been two years
And I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice?

This time this is my fight song
Prove I'm alright song
Take back my life song
My powers turned on
Starting right now
I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care
If nobody else believes
Cause I've still got
A lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left In me

Like a small boat on the ocean
Sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This time this is my fight song
Prove I'm alright song
Take back my life song
My powers turned on
Starting right now
I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care If nobody else believes
Cause I've still got
A lot of fight left in me
Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Writer(s): Rachel Platten, Dave Bassett

That was amazing!! I loved your song and it also gave me encouragement!!

Thank you!

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Your welcome. I think the lyrics site has some of those switched but oh well. I only listen to it every day lol.

Im so flad it encouraged you! Its the song i thrive on...the only one that gets me through just about every day.

I copied the link of to that song and now I can watch it and listen to it from my phone.
Thank you for sharing.

This is a song that speaks volumes to my heart. It is extremely triggering so only watch it on a good day ora day you candle it.

It is a sexual abuse song. I found it on you tube. Merissa someone forget the last name. But it tears my heart out every time I listen to it. Yet for some reason I continue to listen to it. Makes no since why someone would torture themselves like that. (I guess that song does prove that I have emotions and tears and it helps me find them)

Thank you for posting it. I do understand about listening to it, even though it hurts. I had a song like that too. I haven't listened to it in a long while. It kind of goes in cycles.

I know I'm not in a very stable place today and I'm to try and gather myself up for my session time tonight. I'll listen to it when I am more together.

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Thank you for that song. I finally got to listen to it. I have been in a triggered place mentally and today that finally broke. (for now, but I will take it) So I finally got to listen to your song. Thank you so SOOO much for putting that here. I hear it on the radio all the time, I just never really thought about it until you put the words up. WOW. That's all I can say WOW.

Good luck with your upcoming T appointment by the way. Mine is on Weds.

It's amazing isn't it!! I'm so glad it touched your heart. It is one on replay many times on my phone.

Thank you!! I pray I can gather myself up by this evening, else I'll be a babbling mess.

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You are very welcome!