<font color="#000088"> I was strapped to a table by my brother and 2 of his friends on my 8th birthday,they had candles lit, and they drank some of my blood as some type of ritual, while I was still a virgin ,then burned me with one of the candles while he was raping me! I had one Dr. say I can't have children now because of it,another said it would be difficult,but they would all have to be C-section births over it,and I didn't want to hear what a 3rd had to say! My sister can't have kids because of what he did to her!I can't handle the flashbacks,and memories,and having to re-live this abuse every year on my birthday.And my birthday is only a month and a half away! </font>

[InACorner]

((((((((((((justice)))))))))))))))

may you feel my warmest sincerest peaceful vibes i send you

((((((((((((((justice))))))))))))))))))))

all i wish is that i could take away those awful memories and banish your pain for ever.

sending you love and care and safe hugs

jinnyann xxoxooxoxoxo

<font color="#000088"> My brother got away with it,and his friends,and my Mom knew about some of the abuse,she wouldn't believe me about what he did on my birthday.But when I put my PJ's and my sheet for her to wash,with evidence of what happened on it,which I don't think I can say what was on it,without getting in trouble,she just washed them and put them right back on my bed.Didn't even ask where it came from.She knew he was abusing me all the time,but she helped him get away with it.She just thought that since her father abused her,it was only fair!But I didn't tell her father to abuse her,I didn't even know he was alive,until I was 16 yrs.old,she told me he died before I was born. But one year on her birthday I answered a phone call that was an old man asking for her,and I asked who it was,and he asked the same,I told him I was her daughter,he said he didn't know she had daughters,and that he was her father.She lied to me,then blamed me for bringing her memories back!She threw me into a foster home for delinquents,when I had a clean record and was an honor student! She wanted me discredited,so know one would believe me,but my Dad knew,and always stuck up for me!now that my Dad has passed away,I'm getting all that abuse rubbed in my face,saying who's gonna stick up for you now? </font>

(((((((((((((((((justice)))))))))))))))))))))

we're all here for you. your mother sounds like mine - a selfish b...h. sorry, i'm just so angry. she was wrong, she didn't protect or listen to you - i can identify - you are a person and a worthy, strong, brave individual and i love you for having the courage to speak out. pm me whenever you like.here to listen if nothing else.

(((((((((((((((safe hugs))))))))))))))

jinnyann xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

you know, if anything good has come out of the abuse we have suffered, it is that we will not inflict pain and suffering on others and we are aware of the dangers, also we are stronger people even though sometimes it feels like we are not.

take care of YOU love, jinn

[itspeaks]

Aww hunny, I am so sorry that happened to you.
If you ever want to talk, you can pm me.
I'll always listen, give advice if you want, and I'll never judge you.
My dad sexually abused me and his mother refuses to believe it and ever since then she has wanted nothing to do with me.
I think it's crazy how our family, the ones that are supposed to protect and love us, are often the ones who hurt us the most.
<33333

<font color="#000088"> It's pretty crazy when your own family turns on you for asking for help.When they need it to.I wouldn't have judged them if they asked for help to.But they consider that wrong.They think that what happened behind those closed doors was a family secret and meant to stay a secret.It's a lot easier for the members of the family that weren't victimized,to keep it a secret,because they weren't the one's that were tortured,and the one's that did it,ofcourse they don't want to go to jail,that's a no brainer! But for the females,it's not a fair demand for us to keep our mouth shut or he(my oldest brother) will kill us! I didn't care about his threat,because I would have rather died.But it did keep my sister quiet.So she's screwed up in the head,but still loved by the family.I'm hated,and targeted,because I told. But by the time I was able to move away,and report it,where I would be safe,the State claimed that it was passed the Statute of Limitations to do anything about it,even though my brother was working at an Elementary School as the Head Custodian,and could,and probably was abusing students at that school! They wouldn't even investigate it! So I knew he had been yelling and argueing with my step-mom,which is elderly,so I called the Division of Family services,and the police in the state he was in,and sent them to my Dad's house where his new wife and he lived and reported him for elderly abuse.They just happened to arrive while he was yelling at her!
So they escorted him off the property,told him he was not to return,and now he is not allowed to live in a house with an elderly person,and they have an open file on him for being abusive towards the elderly! So at least I got him for something! My step-mom was shocked at the help she recieved,and had no idea where it came from.I told her,he abused me enough,I wasn't going to let him get you to! She still loves me today for sending her help,from California,when she was in Utah! </font>

<font color="#000088"> Why do I open up this can of worms,go through it again emotionally,and the nightmares again.Then see 126 people read it,but only 6 dared to respond,when it had to be edited for content,the whole story isn't even there.It was worse than what is written because of it being way to triggering.But 120 people can read it,and just brush it off,when I had to re-live it by typing it in the first place.%#@&#! cruelty!! </font>

[kimmydawn]

((((((( Justice ))))))))

Probably 100 of the 120 were anon readers (reading but aren't members), software "counters", and other things. Alot of them probably aren't even human to be able to respond if they could.

Also, please remember that others here struggle as well and respond as we can.

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Your pain is immense. Please stick close to drs and any real-life support you have as well, OK?

Thinking of you,

KD

<font color="#000088"> I'm trying,but I'm running out of time.My b-day is coming up,and I'll have to re-live the whole thing,the pain,and everything,like I do every year.I'm too physically ill for the psych docs to put me in thier ward for security,and observation.So,I'm screwed,unless they end up finding out I need surgery,and wait until my birthday to do it.Then I'll sleep right through it!But they won't wait a month when they get the results,if it say's I need my gallbladder out! </font>

[Gabby2007]

Justice,
I'll own up to being one who read [only part of] your post and didn't respond.

Why?

Not that I don't care, but it freaked me out and I didn't know what to say. I'm new here, and trying to get to know this community, and BE SAFE at the same time.

I've recently been diagnosed with OCD, so if I were to read your post, I'd obsess about it, and you know, I'd not be able to fully function for my three kids I'm trying to raise.

I'm deeply sorry for the inhumane way you've been treated...you are a valuable, precious, honorable person.

[tranquility]

Justice -

The only thing I can say is that what happened to you sucked and I'm thinking of you.

I lived with a friend who was MPD with 36+ personalities. She was abused within a cult as a child and teenager. The stories were horrific and unimaginable and she too carries permenant scaring.

I think alot of people are frightened by what they read because they don't want to believe the human race can be so dispicable - but they certainly can and are.

Anniversaries are difficult - I relived abuse for years on the anniversary of my grandfathers death. Eventually I didn't relive the memories but just felt like crap. One year I actually forgot and was just wondering why I wasn't sleeping and didn't feel well - then I remembered.

I hope it gets easier for you over the years. You are recognizing the anniversary and that is the first step. Now you need to plan how you will keep yourself safe. If you cannot be hospitalized, maybe there is someone you trust that can stay with you.

Warm comforting wishes to you....Tranquility

<font color="#000088"> Utah is where it all happened,the Mormons covered it up,and helped my abuser get away with it,that's why I hate it here,and have to get out of here.This place brings back too much for me.I can't stand being near all these cult members,I want to go home to California,where I can relax and feel safe! </font>

[southernyankee]

(((Justice)))
I am so sorry, hon. I understand, you told your story and it seems like no one cares. We so care, but it's true there are those of us who like you have gone through simailar things and it can be hard to read your story. Soo sorry, honey. I want to help all I can but, sometimes I can't even help myself.
I am 57 years old and have DID or MPD (as we used to call it) from years of childhood abuse from Mother, older male cousins( and there where a lot of them). I finally moved from Michigan, to the south,now Mississippi, and it has helped a lot. So, I truly hope you can move soon. Be safe and take care of you.
You are a very brave and strong woman.

<font color="#000088"> I really do gotta get outta Utah,it's killing me.If I don't get away from my family they will win,in convincing me to off myself! </font>

[JustAPixie]

Hiya Justice

I don't have much to say, as I am stumbling trhough the same emotional bull that you are. I have also been abused by a cult and know what you are going through. Unforunately the healing process do tend to take very long and there are many ups and downs, more downs than ups sometimes, but nevertheless... Persistence... don't give up, it will eventually get easier, but every time you give in you are just setting yourself back again... Believe in yourself, trust yourself for you are your own best friend, and know that somewhere across the globe there is someone who is thinking about you and the pain you still have to suffer. I hope you get through this...

Pixie

[snowflake_48888]

((((((justice)))))
I was raped one time when I was 14 by 3 male classmates of mine. I never told anyone at the time or for years later. I still have never told my parents or siblings. I admire you for helping your step mother so the abuse from your brother will stop. I agree with you 100% that our family is to protect and love us. As a mother I could never knowingly allow someone to hurt my children and to know there are parents who do is beyond me. Just remember you are not responsible for other peoples actions....I believe that one day those people will meet their judge.
So sorry this has happened to you...but good for you to fight back.
Snow

<font color="#000088"> My Dad loved his wife,and my brother was verbally abusing her,which hurt my Dad. It also hurt my Dad when he found out that my brother had abused his daughters.I didn't want my Dad to hurt anymore because of his abuse.So I did whatever I could to put a stop to it,for my Dad,and to get some type of revenge against my brother,even though he didn't know it was me that sent the police there.Just knowing he finally got caught for abusing someone, gave me a little satisfaction for the time being,and made me feel better knowing my Dad,and his wife was protected from him!

But right now I'm getting really nervous,because my birthday is only 3 weeks away. Then I have to re-live the abuse again from my 8th birthday,and I'm getting scared about it.I told my caseworker I may need help getting through that day, so she knows it's coming,and she's never let me down when I needed help! She knows about what happened,and the harrassment I've been getting,so she knows the neighbors might even try to make the day harder for me to get through. So she might take me out somewhere, away from my neighbors and family. I hope!</font>

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((( Justice )))))))))))))))

You'll be in my prayers for this next bit.

KD

<font color="#000088"> Thanks KD, it's gonna be a hard day.I'll only be 8 that day,even though technically I'm turning 34,you know what I mean.I go back to being 8 every year on that day,and re-live the whole thing. The hard part is that I even feel the pain to,not just flashback it,I actually feel it again,over and over,every year! It happened at night,so I can still get on here in the morning and be okay,34 yrs.old. But I have to be off by 3-4PM before I turn into that 8 year old again.
But I really appreciate your support and prayers to help me get through it! </font>

[Juliaspavlov]

Justice I shivered reading your story ....sorry that you've been thru so much. I was abused at three and I'm 50 now. My hope for the future keeps me hanging in there waiting for justice to be done.I dont know if this helps at all but the creator is going to destroy false religion that is filthy in its fruitage. If this doesn't help then please ignore..... Keep love alive in your life eg how you love Nico your beautiful dog. I love my children and pets...(((((hugs))))) to you and we are listening and trying to help when we can...luv Jjulia

[Caramee]

Your story is so awful. I am sorry for what you've been through. I have not suffered nearly as much, but I know what you mean by returning to being a scared little girl when you're triggered by reminders, especially by large ones such as anniversaries.

I love your screen name, by the way. It sounds like "justice" is what you've taken from what happened to you, that you haven't repeated the cycle and that you've done things to protect others from abuse and helped others in ways others should have helped you. That's a remarkable thing and a sign of strength. Not everyone could do that.

Do you think it would ever be possible to leave Utah? I know it wouldn't be easy for me just to pack up where I am, but it sounds so horrible for you. I know that you are also unwell. But is it possible to begin working on a long-term goal to leave that you could chip away at little by little? Maybe that could give you some hope.

But for now, I'll send you my deepest understanding and thoughts.

<font color="#000088">My hope's and dreams are to get back home to California,San diego to be exact! I'm just waiting to find out if I can afford it.My Disability checks (SSI) will transfer when I move,and I have Direct Deposit with my bank,so I don't have to worry about that,plus my medical insurance goes along with the Disablility,so my insurance transfers as well! I would just have to go into the office and fill out a new form,for a new card,my old card is probably expired,even though I still have it! But what I'm working on right now,is figuring out,how to transfer my section 8 low income housing,it's a federal program,and I found out that it should be able to be transferred to California.I just have to find the right person to talk to about it,to see about getting it transferred. If I can get it transferred,then I can go back,as soon as November 2007!(that's when my lease is up)If I can't get it done by then,I'll end up having to sign another years lease here! But when I can get there,I can easily find a way out of the lease,legally! But without the section 8 transferring,I can't afford to move back right now,I'm just praying for a miracle! My best friend in my old neighborhood down there is on section 8,and she said if I can get mine transferred,there is a couple apartments available in her building,that are 1 bedroom,just like I need,they allow pets,so Nico would be allowed there,and smoking is fine,so there won't be an issue with me being a smoker either.Plus she would give me an excellent reference with the landlord,and she's friends with the landlord! I have a friend that will drive up,and pick me and Nico up,and drive us and our belongings back to California! The only thing stopping me is the getting the section 8 transferred,which I'm working on,or striking it rich first! Then I'm outta this state! </font>