Hi I am a survivor of narcissist abuse,help please!

Sorry to hear about the health issues. Having your energy tied up trying to protect yourself for so long is bound to not have helped. Now you are free, your energy is becoming more free. Try not to add fear to the worry. (((hugs)))

Sometimes your family isn't your blood relatives, but the people who love you.

Abused growing up, no father, poverty, molested. Married an abuser (surprise) 31 years of that and divorce,then voted out of membership in my church with my name up on a big screen (on my birthday), 'Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God. I let the x live in my house for awhile after the divorce. So, what did i do with all of those ashes" I wrote my life story and won a scholarship and am a Sophomore at 69! Born standin up and talkin back, good thing or I might be drooling in a corner, LOL

Goodness Nicole you have been through a lot.What kind of people in what kind of church do that?To vote you out of the church for unbecoming conduct for getting divorced,that is one sick bunch of people!Just for letting the ex continue to live with you for a while.Honestly people are so judgmental and their mentalities are appalling .
Well done on winning that scholarship,congratulations,I wish you well.!

Thank you, Marilyn: You are very kind.

Well it has been two months no contact with my narcissist mother,I am surprised she has left me alone but very pleased I got away from her.

I will be able to stay away,she is housebound so won't bother turning up on my doorstep.Unless I go to her I don't see her.She can phone me but hasn't bothered so she has discarded me probably cos there is nothing she can get out of me.

She is probably hoping I drop dead and then she and my narc sister will try and contest my will.

I haven't spoke to or seen narc sister either,I am no contact with her for one year and ten months.I have a domestic violence report filed on her with the police cos she got spare keys of my mum and was letting herself into my house for months while I was out for meals with my niece,she was moving my stuff around,she was psychologically and emotionally abusing me that way.

God I hate them so much.Anyway so far they have left me alone so that is good.

I am hoping to get into therapy so I can talk about and heal from all the abuse they put me through.I am on a therapists waiting list for sessions in September.

I had a difficult day today.I still have feelings for my narc mother, I loved her all my life and gave her so much yet she pretends I have never done anything for her.All the cooking and taking care of her,the running to and from the shops for her at my expense,the cards and presents years on end,she doesn't rate it.

If she does she says I was doing it to get money from her,which I was spending my own money to make her happy.I have loved her and she has been incapable of caring for me or loving me back.

I have been ill and in danger of death and she has been uncaring and indifferent.Does anyone know how much that hurts and how shocked I was when she made an angry fuss over me not putting her into my will?She was expecting me to die and for her to inherit my house!And that is what she cared about,not me,or me being well and living a long life,me and me dying so she can get her hands on my money.

I am in so much pain knowing that my own mother is a mercenary shell of a person, a woman who claims she loves God but who actually worships money.
I am sorry but I will be glad when she is dead.But I still do actually love her even though I know the lovable person she can show herself to be isn't the real woman,it was all faked for effect and to manipulate what she wanted out of me.Same with my sister God knows what their true identities are,I have had glimpses of them and they are nasty,cruel and ugly beyond belief.The love they showed me at times was acted,faked,it has been hard to get my head around that and it still shocks me to think about it.
I am sad

Yeah, accepting them for what they are now that the truth has been glimpsed is hard. I am still trying hard with that myself. I gave so much, but it ment nothing to him. I was only a tool for his ends, and when I was no longer useable he rejected me and socially isolated me.

One thing that I try to keep in mind is I am not responsible for how others receive me. I can not control how they receive me. Accepting the rejection has been hard, but acceptance is the only way through. Feeling unbearably bad is part of the healing. It happened, I feel torn and devastated. Feeling the feelings and allowing them to be expressed (in words to a Therapist or trusted friend or even posting here, art or creative expression, or just letting yourself feel) and allowing time to pass, the feelings will pass too. Leaving space for new feelings and experiences.

It's hard. I'm sorry your going through this.

Braezen,yes there are some really bad feelings to get through,I feel duped and easily gullible,but I mustn't forget these people are family and had me under their control since birth,so it wasn't that easy for me.Even when I grew up they were determined to fight my strivings for freedom and independence.My sister orchestrated things so that I'd never have a life or family of my own,she deliberately made me ill knowing all she had to do was abuse me and tire me with arguments and I would be either physically or mentally ill.I hate her so much for that I want to kill her but I would never do such a thing knowing how wrong it is.I understand the pain of being used and rejected it doesn't make sense why he would reject you and then socially isolate you,it is cruelty and nastiness beyond belief.
I do try and accept the feelings and let them pass with time but after 40 odd years of abuse the feelings coming up now and the bad memories are never ending and really hard some days to handle and process.I guess I get sick of the memories of the two narcissists,part of me wishes their loving sides were real and the rest of me knows they are not and feels like I am part of a horrific nightmare,it doesn't get worse than a narcissist trying to kill you does it really?Two narcissists trying to kill you?
I will be ok ,I hope you too can recover Brazen and not blame yourself or feel like it was your fault because of course it isn't our fault not any of it,we were just unlucky to have ended up under their spells.

Hi Marylin,

I'm glad you broke away and are doing so well. There are so many things you said that are true of my narcissistic mother as well.

Your situation has been so blatantly abusive that it is obvious for you to recognize it and feel confident in your opinion. In a way, that is good, because you are sure.

I am dealing with layers of good and bad that leave me ever-questioning and baffled. Jekyll and Hyde type narcissism.

Also, sometimes the abused become abusers themselves. Maybe this is what happened with your sister?

I also question my motives in my dysfunctional marriage with a maybe narcissistic husband.
As much as I never wanted to be anything like my mother, it terrifies me to see some of her toxicity in me. I literally beat myself up for it.

I'm glad you were able to stop new relationships you were forming that were going down the wrong path.

I hope true healing and health is in the future for us both. To life!

Hi TishaBuv,

Thank you for your support.

Don't feel bad of guilty though if you have picked up some traits or behaviors from your narcissist abuser.This is common and not to confuse yourself with the narcissist himself.

The tendency is to be confused as to whether the abuse is real especially if your narcissist has a nice side which he will bring back out whenever he is in danger of being exposed for the violent thug he is.I mean when I say violent, emotional, psychological, verbal and mental abuse/cruelty not just physical violence, or sexual which is overt and easily identified as abuse.

Don't feel bad about not being sure of the abuse,I was controlled by my narcissist abusers for 35 years, throughout that time they caused me physical and mental illness.

By God's grace I discovered their intentions were to kill me for my money and get me to change my will first.Otherwise if God had not opened my eyes to their true intentions and if I had not realized all their manipulations and how they were intentionally causing me harm,deliberately planned sabotage of my home to make my mental health deteriorate,leading to murder by suicide,I would still be trying to fix myself to make them happy and in the dark!

So don't feel guilty for your toxic mother's mistreatment of you.You more likely are nothing like her but suffering the pain of the abuse she dished out all those years.

Here's to us, and life and as you say true healing in the future.

If your husband is a bad un, a narcissist you must walk and not look back,no contact is the only safe way out of a narcissist's lair.Best wishes to you Trishbuv.Marylinxxx

Well I have had a massive disappointment today.The domestic violence support worker I was allocated turned out to be all about her and her job rather than helping and supporting me.

She covers out of town areas as well as my town,so the very first time I met her she was 40 mins late.The next time I met her she was half an hour late and spent all the time filling in forms,she said when the form filling stops she stops seeing me.

She spoke to me supportively for 20 mins all in all.Last week she was meant to ring me she didn't she said she was busy and couldn't get to the phone.Excuse.

Monday I rang her she rang back after half an hour,I wanted to make an appointment to meet up wednesday she insisted on seeing me today and arranged to meet me at the coffee shop 12.30pm.

I turn up she rings says a meeting has overrun and she can't make it can she come to my place tomorrow.I said no you don't get to mess me around and juggle me into fitting in at your convenience,it is disrespectful and abusive to me.

She said she will relay what I said to management cos I am not happy.I said there has been a lot of nosy form filling for files records and not enough emotional support,which is what I was promised, and too much letting me down so I won't be bothering with her or wasting my time again.

I am fed up with self serving,self sustaining services that are about people keeping jobs and getting paid rather than actually helping the people they are meant to serve!I am sad and disappointed and let down.

I saw my niece today,she had a lovely time and she fell for her fellow online mate who came from US to go on holiday to Spain with my niece and her mates.They are now an item but he has gone back to US and she is missing him and sad and upset,both of them are frightened the other will find someone else.She got all emotional that the holiday is over,and her relationship with Alex is long distance.

I sat her next to me and gave her a cuddle and said to her yes it was wonderful and you didn't want it to end and it has,but I said whilst I held her head in my shoulder it isn't over, there will be more holidays and more happy times with the people you love,I said to her there is lots ahead and you and Alex will work out,things will work out so don't worry and think the worst.And she seems reassured.

We saw a film and had a burger meal and some wine at the pub....then we went to the cafe and had a cool milkshake, there was music playing,the atmosphere was lovely and it was hot but the air conditioner was cooling.We parted company then.

We discussed my narc mother,before she left,I said to my niece that her narc mother(my sister) has won,she wanted to make my mother cut me off so she wouldn't help me financially and she has succeeded.My niece said, are you sure yiayia just doesn't believe you that my mum let herself into your house rather than is rejecting you.You can still phone yiayia she said if you want to.I said I think she colluded and gave your mum keys to go into my house and find out the contents of my will.

I think she was giving me money to take you out so your mum would have time and opportunity to get into my house.I think your mum wanted to make yiayia reject me so she wouldn't help me financially.I said I am not going to ring yiayia just to get her to give me money.I said my mother has never wanted to know me unless she wanted something from me anyway,she has never supported me emotionally or cared to show me love.There is no point bothering with her now if she is going to be all take I said.That's true my niece said but don't think my mum has won cos she hasn't.Yiayia could still ring you anytime.

I will not got heavily involved with my mother again even if she does ring me.
I want my life,time, space and peace and some happiness and freedom to live my own life at long last.
So that was my day.I still have to arrange support for myself,probably private therapy.
it is disappointing the domestic violence support worker was no support and all form filling and meetings.

Sorry to hear your support was not supportive. Private therapy may be a good option. There are many different modalities and types. You can find information on here or on other websites for how to look and what to ask for. I like the websites goodtherapy.com and psychologytoday. I found my therapist from the listings in Psychology Today and Good Therapy's website had good information on how to gauge if the therapist was what I needed. I'm sure there are other resources. There may be other organizations around you that could help too. I wish you luck

I have found a private therapist that does concessions.It is still £20 a session and I won't have the money until January 2017 so I will have to wait till then.She is well educated in integrative therapies,she works with domestic violence victims helping us gain control over our own lives,she uses writing and art therapy in her sessions.She sounds good.I am looking forward to seeing her.

I am having weird feelings,I feel odd not having contact with my mother lately like someone is missing,I miss her,I know I have been through this before.This time though as well as missing her emotionally and in my mind I am reminded that she totally had no respect for me, that she didn't care what the state of my health was and how I was feeling and basically couldn't care less whether I was alive or dead but preferred me to be the latter.So I kind of thought who am I actually missing,someone I cared for and loved yes,but who used and abused me and didn't care one iota for me.Whatever she gave or did for me was carefully designed to fetch her a return,it was an investment.Now I am so ill I can't run round after her or give her anything and now I have changed my will and she isn't in it she isn't much interested in me.In fact she has zero interest in me.
So why am I missing her and having feelings for her?
I guess it is just so.It isn't going to change the fact I don't want to see or speak to her again and she hasn't bothered to phone me either,so that is it .
Mostly it is scary knowing no relative of mine cares if I am alive or dead and I have no one in the world to rely on in a crisis..I am all alone in the world and I feel it.

Sorry you are feeling the hurt today. Feeling are, whether they make sense or not. You are valuable and worthy of the love and belonging they didn't know how to provide. I am glad you find someone to talk to. Some feelings take time. Take care of you.

My mother is narc ...she has abuses me all the time ...i changed my birth name 10 years ago and she still calls me by that name even though it upsets me ...she has ago at me when my husband and everyone else in the family isnt there , she has to have things her own way my wedding she chosen everything for it we didnt get any input at all ...she like this to everyone she says that my mental health or anyone in the family with mental health problems are attention seeking i dont see her all the time and i would cut her from my life but she has guardianship of young family members and its up to her weather we see them I cant prove she is doing this if she dont agree or people dont follow her plan of things she get pissed off or she will wait until the person is gone and ***** about them .
its really affects my mental health my husband says to ignore her and not phone her
But i feel like i cant do that because of the young family members i need to know there safe
No one has every told her she is being abusive ...she just dont care at all my sister get it worse than me and yet she is also like this as well
i cant stay too much as she is here
but there are times when i feel her and my mother are both narc




I get to the point where am so drained by it i feel like is it me have i done something wrong ...they make me hate myself so much
I normally also blame myself for everything i cant make a meal without thinking am doing it wrong and that someone will have a go at me even eating i feel like she going to shout at me for eating too much ( my mum would force feed me and tell me am a pig or a fat ***** ) ... am unsure what i can do about this i was also sexually abused by friends of the family when my sister tried to tell her she said she was making it up and was saying it for attention and once when i told her she said it was my fault
so i dont talk about it anymore and she is unaware of my alters ( i have DID ) the young ones hide from her and get scared of her as well ...
we all have dealt with her she would never understand about it as well

My husband is so supportive and loving i thought id never have a life i met anyone but i did and he is so special and loves me and i love him so much but am scared something bad will happen to him as am too scared to live on my own my husband knows about the DID
My husband looks after me 24/7 as am unsafe on my own apart from when my husband has went to the shop down the road for a few mins ...or i go to groups with him as well
i dont know if its just me or her
am here if any of you needs to talk

2 books helped me immensely. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
We are all born innocent and perfect....someone(s) along the way tells lies about us (that we aren't good enough) and then we spend our lives fighting those lies (those lies are really about the abuser telling you them)......

Asphixia,
I am glad you have your husband and I would keep spending most of your time with him and only see your mother when you have to.I can understand your concern for the younger family members and wanting to see them to make sure they are safe.

I think if you think your mother is a narc she probably is,you can tell cos narcs never care about you and what your feelings are or what you want,it is all about them and what they want.And they project a lot so if your mum says you are doing things for attention usually it is her that is the one doing things for attention but she will twist it and say it is you.

If you can avoid your mum that is best,it sounds like it is not good for you to be around her and you have much to cope with having DID,I am glad your husband keeps you safe.I am here if you want to talk some more.You can talk on this thread or PM me I am always willing to listen.Love and hugs.Marylinx

I am also a survivor of narcissistic abuse. It gets to you at your core, I have felt inadequate, worthless and that I dn't matter my whole life... but the rest of my family does, their thoughts are I am less than, somehow... I was told I was the reason my mom was forced to be with my dad because she got pregnant , tried to abort me but couldn't because it was before when abortion was more readily available. so I was the mistake.. so they all treat me like the mistake ,they all take vacatons together and leave us out , or do birthdays and leave us out and then I find out and they deny it. 2 years ago they invited us , me and kids but they would do things together and leave us out waiting at cabin.. then when I would decide to go do my own thing they would harp on me for nnot joining with the family... ???? they are completely messed up... my mom and siblings. thats just in the adult time, childhood, was severe emotional and psychological abuse, denial of my feelings and experiences , almost like I was completely invisible.. Now I see it so clearly my mom is a major naricssist. Everything is about her and her manipulating them and trying to manipulate me... I have tools to deal with it now and realize she is sick.. very sick... and they are playing along.. and sick too in the way they treat me.. I'm sooooo sorry you are going through this all of you!

@therapyishelping.I am sorry your family is so awful to you,know it isn't your fault, don't feel bad about yourself because of them.Selfish,nasty,cruel people.Do what you can to stay out of their orbit they are toxic have as little to do with them as possible.You and your kids deserve better.Stick to your own company and that of caring,loving friends,you can chose good friends with family you have no choice so choose to avoid them,cut them out of your life go no contact.I did and I don't regret it.I wish you all the best from now on!

On another note I have an update on the emotional support domestic violence support worker.Although the last one messed me about when I complained they asked me to reengage with them and they would give me a new key worker to support me,and they will try not to get it wrong this time.So I said yes,They called me on Friday but I missed them so I will probably hear from them Tuesday now,cos Monday is a Bank holiday.I will give it another go for the potential emotional support.

Today,Saturday,I worked on the cookbook I am putting together for my niece to show her how to cook for herself at university.It took me ages,I cooked the meals over two years,photographed them,wrote the recipes out.Today I stuck the recipes and photos in a scrapbook.It started off nice and neat using a Pritt stick to glue but the Pritt ran out and I had to switch to PVC glue which was messy and made the pages of the scrapbook crinkle and stick together,so some of it isn't looking as good as I'd like.40 pages done though and it is finished so quite please and overall it looks good not too bad!
It took all day to finish it.I was very tired and low after it.

Tomorrow I am going to rest as much as I can to rest my body and improve my mental health.I was very depressed this evening until I ate a whole bag of walnuts, supposedly good for depression!

It is humid and hot again here tonight.

Thanks for reading if you got this far!My niece has gone to the Reading Music Festival this weekend camping with her friend,so won't hear from her until Monday when she gets back!

There is a sub-reddit called Raised by Narcissists. It is a very safe place. Don't get scared off because it is on Reddit. There is a lot of healing there too.

I second that Jenny, I"ve found that Reddit page really validating and it was the first forum/page that really helped me make sense of things.. my lifecoach told me about it, he's also a therapist.

I recommend Lisettes' blog for ACON's victims of narcissistic abuse,House of Mirrors,it is a very supportive platform for us!
House of Mirrors: Calling Adult Children of Narcissists to Vent Your Rage!

Hi Marylin,

I'm so sorry about all the pain and suffering you have gone through. I've been victimized by a few narcissists in my life and have been watching a lot of self-help videos. Here's one....hopefully you'll find it helpful.

It's on Narcissism Abuse and Self-Esteem. I highly recommend the whole channel of the speaker.

I do a lot of research on Narcissism on youtube. I can completely relate to the whole phase of being devalued and discarded by a narcissist....in fact, recently a narcissist I was in a relationship with tried to get back into my life. I was holding onto that false hope, but then they completely went cold and disappeared on me, and it hurt so bad and brought back a sense of powerlessness. I've been taken advantage of emotionally and financially too many times. I need to rebuild my self-worth. The more I learn about narcissism though, the more I feel that I am not alone and that I blamed myself for things I shouldn't have. The healing process isn't linear. It is day by day, but you have the support of us all.

Well surprisingly I have been in contact with my mother and she has been very supportive over my womb cancer diagnosis.I am to have a hysterectomy which the doctors say they expect will cure me.My mum has been helping me stay positive and is giving me money for the extra expenses for going into hospital, the clothes, cat sitter and any money I need for carers.
She says she is worried for me and that she does care and doesn't want me to die.I am wondering now if I was right about her helping my sister get into my house without my permission or whether my sister had her own set of keys made when she had possession of my keys previously.

I am in two minds of if my mum wants me dead cos after I told her the news she said so that is it really you have cancer?Then she said,but it is early and if they take your womb out it won't spread and kill you so that is good she said!

I guess I will take her at face value and take the support,but bear in mind she is a narcissist and could turn on me at a later date.I need to lean on her a bit but I know I can go it alone if I need to to now,so am not too fussed either way.I am not going to push my mum away now cos she isn't doing anything wrong.

I didn't need cancer on top of all this but my premonition voice which I've had since I was 10 years old and who has been telling me events that come true for all my life told me 15 years ago I would have to have a hysterectomy,so that is that.

The odds are I will survive.

However.I know God is looking after me and if he wants me alive I will live but if he wants me in the spirit world then to the spirit world I will go.

Just to update on this thread,I have elsewhere too.
I think taking CBD capsules and doing the anti cancer diet worked,I had a biobsy in December and it came back clear so cancer free.It is January 2017 now and I had another biopsy and one done on polyps removed on january 16th,I am waiting for the results of that.
I hope it will be a no cancer result again.

The other thing is my mum has cancer now,grade 2 and she has agreed to have a hysterectomy within the next three weeks.Mum and I have been talking 4 months now and I have been visiting her,she has been good to me and supportive.No signs of her narcissistic side for all that time,she isn't causing me any problems or ill health so I allowed her back into my life.Not so my narcissist sister.

I feel very fortunate that I am cancer free,at least I hope it will still be that way when the results of the latest biopsy come back.

Thank God I say!