Hi I am a survivor of narcissist abuse,help please!

I was abused (emotionally, and to a lesser amount physically) pretty severely by my narcissist parents from the time I was young. In fact, I can't remember a time they weren't abusive. I grew up in a house where the things I felt were fear, neglect, worthlessness, unlovability, and so many other negative emotions. It went on until recently, when I finally separated myself from them, after nearly 22 years...the main thing that broke it for me was their opposition to my being transgender.

It...has really screwed me up emotionally, and I'm still having to deal with the effects their abuse had on me, and even finding out more that I remember that help explain my current mental issues. Its not easy at all...not at all. I can have flashes of memories, of things that have happened to me, and its...not good.

I was the only one who was abused out of my siblings. My siblings didn't seem to register, or ignored the abuse was happening. Even today I know with certainty that one of my sisters (who I also suspect of having some serious narcissistic tendencies) would deny that there was any abuse in the household at all.

I'm still trying to, well figure out everything.

It is bad enough to be abused, and so much worse when you don't have any family you can depend on. I was abused when i was young, and i was told i couldn't see my brothers, and sisters again, that was when i was 12. Then when i was an adult we some what mended things. Then in 2010 my mom, and i had a disagreement, and she banned me again. She died in 2012 without us ever speaking again, had me taken out of there will, and had my 5 siblings, and my dad against me. I was able to see my dad for a couple of hours in 2014 before he died, and he apologized, but i didn't get to spend there last couple of years with them on any terms, good, or bad. I carry a lot of pain from this, and i might never get over it.

I am really sorry Katy for what happened between you and your mum.It is really hard.My mother and I have been talking again for four month,she hasn't shown any signs of her narcissistic side,she has cancer and I have been supporting her,she has actually been quite supportive to me too.I don't know if it will last.My sister,no,there is no possibility of me ever accepting her cos she tried to kill me literally.

The pain of abuse and rejection from your own family is very hard to get over,you can heal those wounds though so have hope and if they have been abusive then you know it is not you at fault.It may not help you to feel better but it is true it isn't your fault.

Katy I'm so sorry, but Marylin is right, it isn't your fault.

My mother was recently diagnosed with a resurgent cancer. She's going into surgery again...and I just have this dreadful feeling that she's going to die soon. In fact, both my parents are getting older, so I am faced daily with the reality that they may die before I ever talk to or see them again.

I used to get depressed by this, but recently I've been having flashbacks, and remembering all the abuse, and seeing their staunch adherence to their narcissism, and seeing their toxicity, and seeing how they ruined much of my childhood...didn't provide me with the emotional needs a child's supposed to have...I don't care if I never see them again.

I love my mother, of course I do she's family, but I am not able to stand her and hate her as a person, and I won't shed a single tear, or go to the funeral, when she dies.

I am sorry Sad Throw for what your parents put you through as a child.It is heavy to know your mum may die and you won't see her but at the same time I understand you saying you love her but hate her for what she is and stands for.Time does heal but while your parents are alive and rejecting you I know it must hurt a lot then when they die there is no scope left for reconciliation.You don't know they may regret their responses and reactions to you but be too entrenched in their false pride to reach out.

You may be right, but I'm not going to be hopeful for it. I'm expecting for them to continue to see themselves completely as victims. They made it very clear to me that they didn't want me in their life even before we became estranged from each other.

They kicked me out from my home, refused to cosign my loans for university, told me they didn't want to see me, didn't want to hear about my personal life (because I'm gay), and told me I couldn't even speak to them directly. That's not going into all the rejection, delegitimization, mocking, and accusations of "being under the influences of demons" among many other things, and tried to keep me from getting treatment, and put me in conversion therapy (because I'm transgender).

That's in the past year...and considering how they behaved for the entirety of my life, with the severe emotional abuse, and the physical abuse, and by how much they messed me up. They aren't worth the risk of getting to know anymore. They've done far too much that they aren't worth the risk giving them a chance would present, even if they try to convince they've changed.

Not to mention they're complete Fundamentalist Christian who do not tolerate anything again their religion even near them, and kept us extremely isolated from the outside world to keep us away from secular ideas, and you have people who I'd be surprised if they ever change.

I'm at the point where, even if they regret their decisions later in life, I don't want them anywhere near me, and I ESPECIALLY don't want them in contact or near my wife or children when I'm married.

If...one day...they come crawling back to me, out of whatever depths of the underworld they reside in, I won't do a thing for them. I'll tell them to get the hell away from me, and if they persist I'll get a restraining order.

I need them back, I don't want them back...not after everything they've done, not after decades of abuse.

That is all very understandable.I hope with enough distance between them and you you can heal all the hurt they have caused you.I know how hard it is to be bought up in a strict christian family,it inflicts tremendous damage,I still love God but I never judge others.I am more of a left wing christian,and am accepting of diversity in people,I think too many christians follow verbatim the bible and what the preacher says instead of thinking for themselves that what so called christians teach about homosexuality is wrong.It is God create us and our biology and that goes for same sex relationships as well as heterosexual ones.It is a loss to your parents that they had hatred in their hearts for you instead of love.I welcome LGBT people from all walks of life,they,you, make our communities much more dynamic,interesting and loving,and show us how to practice acceptance and embrace differences.
I know you need your parents but can't have them back.Maybe you will find loving role models to replace them,and then you can heal from the pain they caused you.

How far along are you now in your conversion treatment and how is it going?That is if you want to talk about it,you don't have to if you don't want to.

I'm not in conversion therapy. In fact, conversion therapy is considered by all professional associations to be not only entirely ineffective, but also extremely unethical and damaging. Its an atrocious process, and often makes the mental health of the individuals subject to it dramatically worse, often leading to suicide.

They tricked me into conversion therapy, by telling me they wanted me to try a therapist they "felt will respect both sides". Instead they brought in an unaccredited 'expert', as they called him. He was very much anti-lgbt+ (having left accredited psychology BECAUSE of acceptance of lgbt+ people, and lessening restrictions on transgender people), and his purpose was to essentially try and convince me to suppress my gender identity, and scare me away from medically transitioning. I already had a long-term therapist at the time, but they said she couldn't be doing her job because she wasn't trying to convince me from transitioning.

After a few months, I escaped it. My parents then violated the patient-doctor confidentiality of me and my therapist, in an effort to discredit me to her. They dug through my room to find the contact information and then directly contacted her because "I left them no other choice". They don't care about my actual health if it challenges their pre-held positions. They only care about making the thing that their religious believes oppose go away.

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They don't accept people can be transgender, and refuse to listen to any evidence that doesn't coincide with their strict and religious biases...for context, since there is often a lot of confusion on terms, I'm a transgender woman (male-to-female) and a lesbian.

As for Christianity, I left that even before I came out as transgender to my parents. Since 2011 I left the faith, and now I've been a Pagan since 2012. I don't have anything against Christianity itself, but I won't lie that people who say they are 'Evangelical/Born Again/Fundamentalist Christians' cause me to feel frightened and uneasy until I can assess if they're a legitimate threat or not

Thankfully, I have people in my life that have been able to fill the void left my parents. As much as it hurts to say, I don't need them anymore. I guess you could say, because of their actions, 'they left me no choice'.

I am sorry for what you have gone through Sadthrow,I used the wrong word when I said conversion,I meant to say how is your transitioning going?Such as vast distance in meaning between the two.I do not agree with conversion that is trying to change what someone is into what others want them to be,that is so wrong.
I understand you feeling unable to trust christians,so many are right wing and abusive.
I wouldn't try and oppress what you are and my faith teaches me love others above all else,pity more don't practice this.

I am glad you have people that make up for leaving your parents.I had the same thing with my sister who abused me for 35 years I walked away in the end,cut her out of my life two years ago.I was always so ill around her she is a controlling bully and messed with my mind and my mental health was always so bad with her in my life.

I hope you are safe now and free to become who you really are.

It is useless to try and figure out abusers...a waste of time. Instead, focus on YOURSELF and your healing. xoxo

My transition has actually been going well. Its definitely been an adventure, as going through puberty often is, although of course this time its female puberty. >u<

It's helped a LOT, and its definitely helped alleviate gender dysphoria and helping me, be me.

I'm safe, for now, but of course I'm in a pretty precarious economic position.

I know, things are going to get difficult economically for me too.I rely on state benefits and the government in power here in the UK is cutting them back and making life incredibly difficult for us disabled people.They have their excuse austerity while we are in the EU but once Brexit kicks in times will be harder yet again!

My family, what is left of it, is very disfumctional. Thank you for your concern. I am 51 now and i know none of my siblings will change, I so far can live with that, it is there problem, not mine.

Absolutely true,it is your family's problem not yours,indeed if they are a problem for you it is your job and within your rights to get shot off them.I wish I had cut my sister out of my life many,many years ago I wouldn't have lost so many years ill and afraid and held back.I hope you go on to thrive Katy and that your broken heart mends.

My oldest sister is narcissist of the martyr type. It has screwed me up pretty bad. My sis's tendencies has even affected my daughter's relationship with her fiance'!

Hi there. I have a 29 year old son who is a Narcissist. I had to cut him out of my life due to his mental and emotional abuse that put me in the mental hospital a few months ago. The doctors told me "No Contact" with your son. This has been one of the most difficult things in my life i've ever had to deal with. He just got in a motorcycle accident in July with my 8 year old granddaughter and he may never walk again. But the very thought of seeing him or talking to him again brings back so many bad memories and trauma that it scares me to the bone. Now he has turned to my older sister for a mother figure but being the Narcissist that he is, he has brainwashed her to be against me and has her convinced of lies about me and about what he has done to my granddaughter and his girlfriend. It makes me so angry and powerless that it has almost drove me back to the mental hospital. But I pray to God every night about him and te watch over him and his family. I have accepted this is the way it has to be, but as a mother my heart is truly broken inside. I just wanted to relate my personal experience. It isn't easy doing the no contact things but sometimes there is no other choice. Good Luck to you.

Kristen renee,hello,I am so sorry to hear of your son and what he put you through.On top of all that to have him have an accident involving your granddaughter is horrific.Even though he may not walk again it is wise to remain no contact.I know that from experience,narcissists are dangerous people,my sister plotted to kill me literally and even made efforts to bring about my death by sabotaging things in my house and deliberately putting me under mental stress so that she could drive me to suicide.Exactly like you she drove me mad several times so that I ended up in the mental hospital although in my situation the doctors had no idea it was abuse from my narcissistic sister causing my psychoses.Thank you for sharing your personal experience.If you want to talk more about what you son did to you I am always willing to listen to you and support you.If you prefer more private conversations you can PM me on here.Thanks again for sharingxxx

So...I guess I should've seen this coming, but recently I've been having to deal with the fact that not only were my parents emotionally abuse, but they were emotionally neglectful. I know that goes hand in hand, and overlaps quite a bit, but to me they also represent two different things. In particular, they severely damaged my emotional intelligence by their neglect.

A quote to sum up an example of the problem: "If you never felt loved by your parents, you may not know what it really means to love and be loved."

My journey from being emotionally neglected to finding nourishment started when I cut my abusive sister out of my life two years ago.I began by acknowledging my wounded inner child and started looking after my little girl inside,she was around 5 years old to 7, a time when I walked to school alone and came home to no one,waiting outside to be let in when mum got home from work,then aged 10,came home to an empty house and a tin of beans and packet of instant mash.I showed this little girl lots of love and paid attention when I was upset,usually the adult me would be angry,then focusing in on the child I could see she was upset and feeling ignored,lonely,scared,unsafe.So I gave the child and the adult what she needed and eventually through paying attention I self validated,my emotions became important and were catered to instead of ignored.I learnt how to give myself real love and what that meant,keeping myself safe ,giving my needs priority,having time,space and attention and prioritising my feelings above everyone else.I learnt what loving myself was and what it entails and that was I now know what it is like to be loved.

That's awesome to see Marylin! I'm glad you've been able to make progress. My parents were around, but never 'around, if that makes sense. They kind of lived life around me, which was fine, because when they payed attention was usually a bad time for me personally.

To be honest...I don't even think I could even start to do that Marylin...I can't even seem to feel love or being loved, let alone give it somehow to myself. Emotions and feelings like love, like belonging, like safety, like self-esteem or worthinees...none of those things I'm even remotely familiar with feeling, and I can honestly say that, while I may understand them in context of what others tell me about them, I don't understand what they feel like...in all honesty...I'm pretty sure the way I raised kept me from developing the capacity to feel them.

I am very sorry to hear that sad throw,I am sure you can learn to love yourself,I found it hard at first but now I so feel more love for myself and self acceptance,my size has always been a problem and still is I am a lot more accepting of it though and don't feel bad about myself or feel I have to punish myself for it.

I went out with my niece again tonight,I am very upset coming back home.My narcissist sister used the opportunity to let her self into my house again,she did this last year in JUne and I changed the locks.She has old keys with a ket opens the back patio door if I don't lock it from the inside before I go out she can get in with the key.I haven't been locking it and tonight,knowing I was out with my niece(her daughter) and knowing exactly what time we'd meet and what time I'd go home she let herself in again.Stuff I'd thrown out the bathroom like old ****** toothbrushes,she had bought old and out back, a bottle of body lotion I'd thrown out she bought a brand new bottle and put it in the cabinet,a set of teeth cleaning tools don't belong to me appeared and stuff I had stored in a plastic box inside appeared outside of it,christmas wrap paper I had stored in the front study room appeared back in the bedroom and other things like an old coat with fur trim I had given to mum and left at mum's house is back in my wardrobe.

It is scary not knowing what else I will find she has done,I am furious with her and myself for leaving her the chance to get in,I must always lock the patio lock when I go out from now on.she definitely can't get in the front cos I changed the mortice lock.

This narcissist ***** isn't going to give up messing with my mind until she has killed me.I am sad,depressed,disappointed in myself,and so ****ing angry,how ****ing dare she.It is over two years since I cut her out of my life but she does her best to try show me she can and will hurt me every chance she gets.

I can't believe the **** I found in that bathroom cabinet I know full well wasn't there before ok I don't check it out that often but I know I threw a load of **** like was in there out and I don't use toothbrushes I have an electric one so I didn't buy new that got that old and ****** looking,she is trying to say I deserve dirt and am dirty,it is to humiliate me,and moving stuff she wants me to doubt my own mind yet again,she know I know it her by now but she just also knows every time she does this it hurts and wounds me.
I am gonna get CCTV this time,I can't stand the thought of her getting into my property.
**** it I don't believe in a surveillance society I don't want to have to go down that route.Please God just let that ****ing narc sister of mine drop dead.

I am very upset and so very alone with this,it is going to take a while for me to feel safe again.I am even wondering if she has somehow learnt to get through mortice locks without a key but the fact I left the indoor patio lock unlocked would have made it easy for her to get in through the back.**** **** **** ****!

So that is it I had a great time with my niece but her ****ing mother ****ed that up again!

Hi, i am sorry that you have been treated badly, I just a few hours ago stumbled upon a picture quote thing about a person who was the victem of narcissism, I never could understand why my husband of 10 yrs plus dating for 6 before that was the way he was towards me. He had somehow convinced me that i was a horrible person, and made me feel like i was to blame for anything that was wrong. I felt like i could never do anything right. i was a target for mean embarassing jokes, he would tell ppl she wasnt this fat when we got together. this was only months after having a baby. I some how went from a confident, sweet, loving person to a scared, timid, no self esteam puppet. things just became worse and worse, a few years ago i somehow started to try and stick up for myself, thats when the physical abuse started. somehow it ended up being all my fault.. i shouldnt have pushed buttons or whatever.. 5 days ago i left and have not gone back. he has been around the clock messageing me to go back.. first being niceish then threatening me. then apologizing. then saying he needs to go to a hospital, and then saying it will never happen again.. I keep telling myself not to fall for it. so far im doing ok. but it is hard, and it sucks, i really do love the good parts of him.. but i cant be his victem anymore.. I wish you luck. keep pushing forward. you wont be alone forever.. you will find ppl to lean on, or they will find you

Hello 2ndstartforme,
Well done leaving that brute of a husband,you did absolutely the right thing,he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve the bad treatment from him.
Thank you for your words of encouragement and support it means a lot to have that from someone going through the same.We are both definitely doing the right thing and you are right it may be lonely now but it won't always be the case that I am alone people who will care will be along.Love and warm hugs to you

Oh my goodness Marylin that's absolutely horrible! It drives me absolutely mad just how much my parents try and keep contact with me. Each and every time to remind me about how "speechless" they are about "how I'm treating them", despite the constant and increasingly toxic emotional abuse and neglect that they put me through, and despite the extreme abuse they put me through upon learning of my transitioning from male-to-female. Like most narcissists they just tried to beat me down until I submitted and until I complied, without ever giving me a platform to voice myself.

The family that never gave me any of my emotional needs. The family that I never even felt safe in or around. The family that pushed me down and berated me. The family that never made me feel loved. The family that suppressed any self-expression, self-worth, or self-esteem. The family that wasn't a family at all. Even today I struggle with how ****ed up they caused me to be...It's not fair...it just isn't fair.

2ndstart4me, stay strong! Narcacissts and abusers will use every trick in the book to try and trick you to come back so they can return to how things were, and not have to deal with the reality that someone finally stuck up to them.

I just became aware my older sister was a narcissist so I guess that would make me a survivor as well. I'm also dating a man who's a survivor of a narcissist as well. I wish everyone well and know your not alone.