Hi I am a survivor of narcissist abuse,help please!

Hello Marylin,

I haven't showed up to this forum for more then half a year. I've been reading what you've been writing down.

I feel very sorry for your continious torture that your sister is harming you with. I don't know what else to say then to hug you. I could tell you things are going to be alright... but I've learned that 1,5 years after I ended the relationship... nothing has changed. All that you can do is trying to be strong and don't look back or avoid anyone. Change your locks and don't give the keys to anyone.

I feel very sorry for you... even tough you don't want people to feel sorry for you. I hope you can find the rest you need to get through this emotional rollercoaster.

@2ndstart4me: I have no advice to give you then to keep your head up. Sixteen years is quite a long time and it makes me feel absolutly a big crybaby. I'm very happy for you you found out right now what kind of person he is. No one can understand why a narcistic abusive person does what he or she does. Keep strong, not matter how great he tries to pull you back in. Think about the torture and see all the lovely things as fake.

I had my third week's counselling session today.I told my counsellor about my mother the other day sticking up for my narcissist sister and saying it was in my head that she abused me and tried to kill me.This made me sad ,angry and furious.I resolved never to phone my mum again,she had me trained to ring her three times a day at set times,I realised I had been used and abused by her again same as my sister.I refuse to allow that woman any further liberty to abuse me I told my counsellor.I will visit her once a year a t christmas but will have no further involvement than that.I will not ring her,if she ring me I will keep her at a distance and never return her calls.I have to draw the line,get out of her orbit and stop letting her suck me in with her dramas.I am very hurt and cannot stand to put up with anymore.It has been 53 years of using me.NO MORE!
And that is it,I will not allow that woman to abuse me ,use me and drain my energy anymore.
I have enough to worry about being ill and having to deal with benefits changes that might cut me off without enough to pay bills and eat and get about.The Tory government are serious about hurting the vulnerable and disabled.....we are being attacked by some seriously extreme right wingers in this country and we might have nowhere to turn.I have to focus on getting well enough to work and make my own money.Cos mother dearest will let me starve she isn't going to release any of her precious pennies to feed me with when it comes down to it.

I am emotionally unsettled,counselling has stirred up unhappy and unpleasant memories,at the same time progress is being made.I am asserting my freedom and unwillingness to continue in relationships that take advantage of my love and kindness and am freeing myself from harm,that is good,but the future is unknown and certain fears can and do overtake me and prevent me moving forward.

We discussed my sexuality and my desire to form relationships of an intimate nature in the future,it is all new and scary but I am not rushing into anything,I want genuine love,caring,understanding,kindness in a partner,and all narcs are to be avoided so I must choose carefully!

I know God loves me and I trust God,can he shield me from the politics of the day and prevent it destroying my comfort and security.I sometimes fear he can't but that is fear and maybe not real?I have been harmed in the past due to lack of faith and connection with God,now I have his love and commune with him surely I will no longer suffer?Now I can see how he opened my eyes and saved me from my persecutor,surely he will never abandon me from here on in.I am tired now and fears play tricks on me when I am tired.Insecurity sets in.Courage to fight on in spite of fears,and not worry about things until they happen,fearing unpleasant surprises is part of PTSD>>>>>So I must have been triggered sometime today.

Yes! We are ABSOLUTELY here for you. With open arms and open hearts.

No one can destroy you, I believe we have something wonderful and special within us (empaths/co-dependents/abuse survivors/whatever you want to call yourself) that drew that person(s) towards you to begin with. That spark of life/love within you will also be what helps you get back up and heal

For myself, one of the first things that really started to make a difference was slowing down, and listening to yourself, your heart and really listening to your gut. It was probably talking to you the whole time, or at least that happened in my case. lol That let's you reconnect with yourself and take some of the power back. I found for myself that it starts to help with some of the cognitive dissonance, which can just drive you nuts and going in endless circles.

Can you explain please soul survivor what is cognitive dissonance?

Marilyn - of course!

We all experience things differently, and as with us all, going through any kind of abuse, is very individual and painful... But as far as my understanding goes, similarities have also been recorded between victims of narcissitic-type abuse. One of them is a huge problem of what folks call "cognitive dissonance" in literature and from professionals I've spoken with. Here's the definition from an article;

"In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental stress (discomfort) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values; when performing an action that contradicts one of those beliefs, ideas, or values; or when confronted with new information that contradicts one of the beliefs, ideas, and values.[1][2] In other words, the term refers to the perception of incompatibility of two simultaneous cognitions, which can impact on their attitudes."

In my experience, I guess I would describe it as an example like; I love and care for someone. My understanding is that they do too because they've always told me that. I find an online dating profile of theirs and they've been looking and being with other women. I tell them and they deny and lie about it and tell me I'm the one who's confused or I'm making things up or maybe that they did it but it was a one time mistake and meant nothing. So your brain might think, did I really see what I saw or not. Or if he loves me, how's he running around on me... So your brain HAS to make a decision, it can't hold opposing thoughts. It makes you stressed and uncomfortable too. So I might think... Yes, he does love me and discount other things. And then he would get caught cheating again and say - it means nothing, you're the only one and I'm his true love. So my brain makes a decision again of how to handle it. And there you go down your path, further and further. You may no longer know what's real anymore. You may have a breakdown... And from what I understand, it's common for a narcissist to abuse in this way and can be a common way for the abusee to deal with the abuse.

If you go no contact, or take time to yourself and slow down somehow... You can connect with yourself and listen to yourself. Let your gut guide you, because it was probably telling you the truth all along, but we might have had to stop ignoring it. Especially if you see yourself as someone like an empath or empathetic, it may help you to reconnect with yourself, use your innate abilities and feelings and understand what IS real and what isn't following your gut.

Hopefully this is helpful!? As well, if I've said something incorrect, please do correct me! I don't want to misguide anyone.

I'd love to chat with anyone around this or any other subjects or hear people's thoughts!

Hi there. I know exactly how you feel. And that is one of the main points a narcissist tries to do is punish you or make you feel like you are being punished. My son has abused me badly verbally and mentally with his narcissistic abuse. i'm still not over it. i get a daily reprieve from praying to god over it and having absoltely no contact with my narci son at all.

It wasn't until recently that I realized what my sister put me through my whole life is abuse. I was told by everyone that it's "sibling rivalry" and "you'll grow out of it" but the thing is, I've always wanted to be her friend, she's just always seemed to hate me, put me down over anything and everything we talk about, there is always something she can come up with to degrade me.

Cash sorry to hear that you also have a narcissist as a sister.it is an enormous shock I know when your sister sees you as the enemy and wants to cause you harm.One of the things that was unbearable was the constant never ending hostility,she always showed me hostility ,my sister,and actually undermined my health and safety.I always wanted her to be my friend,she always saw me as a threat,a rival, and then when she realised she could exploit me for my knowledge and experience she shamelessly played friends to get what she needed from me,she actually did not want to lose me as I represented capital to her so she set about bullying me and controlling my time and moments,she kept others away from me so that I was always alone and dependent on her.

I am sorry your sister is so nasty to you but I am afraid that will never change,narcissists don't love the way we do they are incapable of it.

I am curious what is your username about and why did you choose it?