[starryprince]

Hello all. I've written on here before about my grandmother and my strained relationship with her. She's always been emotionally abusive and she criticizes everything I do. I've lived with her for 22 years, since I was 3, and she's been abusive since then up until now. She's also been sexually inappropriate with me when I was 5. She's homophobic and instead of accepting me, she denies my identity and says that if I've never had sex then I'm not gay (I never told her I was a virgin, she assumed). Of course I would have a weird avoidant relationship with sex, given my history. So I thought that was very inconsiderate of her to say.

Things have escalated between us since my cat passed away (she was abusive to my cat too, but physically and I was too young to help her and I was also being abused too). The problem is where my mother comes into all of this. She doesn't do anything. Instead I'm the one that has to do everything. For example, right now my grandma is giving me the silent treatment because of an argument we had where she said she doesn't understand why I'm depressed because I have a "good life" and I told her that she doesn't know anything about me so she shouldn't invalidate me like that. When I say good morning and goodnight she grumbles something incoherent. My mom said I should continue to say good morning and goodnight to her, but it's okay if she doesn't respond. I don't get that.

My mom has done nothing to address my grandma's emotionally abusive ways against me or her homophobia. My grandma asked me some invasive questions that I found very creepy and that made me uncomfortable when she found it I was gay and my mom didn't confront her about it. Instead, my mom confronts her indirectly. For example, instead of confronting my grandmother about her inappropriate questions about my sex life when she found out I was gay, my mom said, "I accept my child and whoever doesn't accept them can leave". But she never addresses my grandmother directly. The problem with this is that my grandma agrees with my mother when she says those things because she believes my mom isn't talking about her, so it comes off as if my grandma hasn't done anything wrong.

I would think after telling my mom that my grandma was sexually inappropriate with me as a child AND about her homophobia AND about the fact that my grandma talks about my mother behind her back and has called her derogatory terms AND tried to turn me against my mother from the ages of 6-8 that my mother would do something.

Instead, I'm the one who has to meet my grandmother halfway when my grandmother isn't putting in any effort.

I'm currently looking for a job so I can save up and move out.

This is making me more depressed and I honestly don't feel safe home. I don't like being home. It's not a safe space because I can't be myself. I'm always on edge because I'm wondering what will my grandma find to criticize about me next. She's always been somewhat creepy and she checks me out whenever I wear short pants around the house, so I always make sure to cover up when I'm home, even during the summer. I just don't feel safe emotionally and, while I love my mom to death, I feel horribly alone. I understand why my mom feels the way she does (part of it is religious and she says it's not "godly" to turn away family). I think she also believes that my grandmother will change. But what about me, you know? My mom didn't even confront my perpetrator when I was molested because my grandma told her not to (which makes sense with her behavior and all). It's not fair to me.

While I'm still at home, what advice do you have for me to deal with this situation? Thank you.

[starryprince]

UPDATE

Surprisingly me and my family JUST had a talk. My mom was getting increasingly frustrated with my grandmother. Long story short, my grandma made me out to be the bad person. I tried to explain my side rationally and calmly and she was getting angry. We spoke about a past event and she straight up said I lied and then my mom got pissed and said, "-insert my name here-doesn't lie. When has -insert my name here-ever lied?" (I didn't lie FYI). My mom surprisingly confronted my grandma about her behavior towards me after I told her so she started the whole conversation. However, I joined the conversation when I realized that my grandma was saying every bad thing I did, but not every bad thing she did. So I joined it to even the playing field, so to speak. My mom tried explaining to her that I'm going through a lot and that when my grandma says, "What do you have to be depressed about?" it is invalidating to me and that's not right. I feel very weird about the whole thing and I don't think this is over. The tension got worse. But at least my mom said something. I'll see how things go from here.

Still, any advice is much appreciate though.

[Bill3]

What if you always addressed your grandmother directly rather than expecting your mother to intervene?

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What if you always addressed your grandmother directly rather than expecting your mother to intervene?

Heh, I think you're under the impression that my grandmother can have a civil discussion with others. ^___^;; The reason I address my mother instead of my grandmother is because addressing my grandmother doesn't work. I've addressed my grandmother first for literally over a decade and that never worked because my grandmother turned everything on me and said how I was the bad one and how I was too sensitive and, at some points, she would make me believe that my memory was bad and that things didn't really happen in the way I thought they did. I didn't want to bother my mom at first so I'd always address my grandmother. I'd tell her that some of the things she said were hurtful and invalidating and that's when she would hit me with the "You're too sensitive" talk.

I would even try to protect my mom because my grandmother would talk about my mother behind her back and call her derogatory terms and that's when I would get defensive and tell her not to call my mom those terms. Then we would have an argument.

So, any other advice for me...?

[Bill3]

Well family counseling would be a good idea, but I imagine that one or both of them would not go.

If it is impossible to have a civil discussion with your grandmother, then don't try to have one. So for example:

I would even try to protect my mom because my grandmother would talk about my mother behind her back and call her derogatory terms and that's when I would get defensive and tell her not to call my mom those terms. Then we would have an argument.

Good job telling your grandmother not to speak in that manner! And you did that on your own. But must an argument ensue? Remember that it takes two people to argue.

I'd tell her that some of the things she said were hurtful and invalidating and that's when she would hit me with the "You're too sensitive" talk.

You can still stand your ground and say that she is hurtful and ask her not to speak to you in that manner. In other words, just because she says "You're too sensitive" doesn't make it so, and does not "win" the discussion. You could even say something like "Insulting me might be a way to excuse yourself for speaking disrespectfully to me." Or you can, as I said above, end the discussion.

When you go to your mother it is called "triangulating" by family therapists. You might want to google that term. By going to your mother you imply that you are not in a position to handle the situation on your own. My thought is that at 25 years of age you are in a position to handle the situation without involving your mother. If your grandmother won't be civil and respectful you can minimize the amount that you engage with her, and you can say why.

right now my grandma is giving me the silent treatment because of an argument we had where she said she doesn't understand why I'm depressed because I have a "good life" and I told her that she doesn't know anything about me so she shouldn't invalidate me like that.

Good job speaking to her! You can do this.

If she gives you the silent treatment, so be it. Do not make concessions so as to end the silent treatment.

I suspect that you want her to actually validate you. This desire, though, would put you in her power, as she could extend or withhold validation to suit herself and thereby manipulate you. It is indeed helpful to have validation from family members, but remember: you are valid whether or not she says so.

My advice is to deal with her yourself, without calling upon your mother to intervene. By that I mean speak your mind to her in a civil manner but do not get into an argument.

With regard to saying good morning and good night to her: My opinion is that you should just do that and not worry about whether or not she replies. Good morning and good night are small civilities and you can be the bigger person if she won't say them. I suggest that for you, not for her or for your mother: Being the bigger person is good for you, whether or not your grandmother responds.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Well family counseling would be a good idea, but I imagine that one or both of them would not go.

If it is impossible to have a civil discussion with your grandmother, then don't try to have one. So for example:

Good job telling your grandmother not to speak in that manner! And you did that on your own. But must an argument ensue? Remember that it takes two people to argue.

You can still stand your ground and say that she is hurtful and ask her not to speak to you in that manner. In other words, just because she says "You're too sensitive" doesn't make it so, and does not "win" the discussion. You could even say something like "Insulting me might be a way to excuse yourself for speaking disrespectfully to me." Or you can, as I said above, end the discussion.

When you go to your mother it is called "triangulating" by family therapists. You might want to google that term. By going to your mother you imply that you are not in a position to handle the situation on your own. My thought is that at 25 years of age you are in a position to handle the situation without involving your mother. If your grandmother won't be civil and respectful you can minimize the amount that you engage with her, and you can say why.

Good job speaking to her! You can do this.

If she gives you the silent treatment, so be it. Do not make concessions so as to end the silent treatment.

I suspect that you want her to actually validate you. This desire, though, would put you in her power, as she could extend or withhold validation to suit herself and thereby manipulate you. It is indeed helpful to have validation from family members, but remember: you are valid whether or not she says so.

My advice is to deal with her yourself, without calling upon your mother to intervene. By that I mean speak your mind to her in a civil manner but do not get into an argument.

With regard to saying good morning and good night to her: My opinion is that you should just do that and not worry about whether or not she replies. Good morning and good night are small civilities and you can be the bigger person if she won't say them. I suggest that for you, not for her or for your mother: Being the bigger person is good for you, whether or not your grandmother responds.

This was good advice. Thanks a lot. I'll look up triangulation. Thank you.